(Updated 2022) My name’s Gabriel… and I’m in my twentieth (!!) year of recovery from eighteen years of untreated manic depression; in my fifteenth year of recovery from ten years of untreated diabetes, and; I’m in my twelfth year of being a father… with two little boys, aged 8 and 12. I know, right? Holy crap.
I was born in Montreal and raised across Canada. From birth I’ve had more than fifty addresses.
Since I was thirteen I’ve been a stone picker, farm hand, hunting guide, street punk, daycare manager, bouncer, homeless, large-installation landscaper, photographer, award-winning newspaper columnist and reporter — mostly I covered Internet Privacy Issues. [Relatively] recently I signed my first book deal and have already spent all three pre-published advances on hockey tickets, rent, whole wheat bagels and some very nice towels so consider this my resumé. I’m usually about six feet tall.
My advice to anyone who asks: spend at least three years between high school and university; drink a lot of pure orange juice; learn one song on the accordion; never take nude photos of the woman you love; at least once get really baked on high quality hash, and; for at least a year live somewhere a thousand miles from where you feel safest.
That’s about it. If you leave a mark somewhere I will probably respond, however — being an extreme introvert — that may not always happen. They’ll all be read though, so feel free to leave a comment below or, if you see a need, you can email me here…
What does regret mean when I can’t escape my own mind long enough to remember? Someone asked me if I regretted the pain that my actions have caused others; and, on one level of course I do. But to say that I feel something called regret is difficult. It’s rational, I care about others and hate the idea that I could cause anyone pain. So I would prefer not to. Is that what people mean when they talk about regret? Or is it something more, something like the way heart aches when I lock myself away for weeks at a time, or the overwhelming desire to rip the skin off of my body to relieve a pressure that has no cause? I can’t feel something I would label as regret. Does this make me a monster?
It is not monstrous. It actually sounds like you’re finding some understanding and becoming aware of the effects the disease you host has on the people around you.
“…to relieve a pressure that has no cause…” But it does have a cause. The cause is the disease. It’s the disease fucking with the chemicals in your head, forcing your thoughts to swirl around at a million miles per hour, forcing your body to move and speak and to not be you. You feel, as I frequently did, that you’re being ripped apart because you’re overloading. There’s too much of Something pushing into Someplace deep Somewhere inside your brain.
The disease is causing the people around you pain, the disease is causing you to do harm to the people around you. You feel regret for the things the disease does, even though it is the disease altering your emotions and fucking with your memories. Of course you feel regret. You’re human.
To stop feeling that regret you have to separate your Self from the disease. That means you have to take responsibility, to take the steps to find experienced help. Fuck staring at the Web. Find a human. If you’re religious, find a Cleric or Priest or Shaman. Find a group, join it. Find a doctor. Find the right pills and take them. You must use your lucid moments to build a system to protect yourself.
YOU HAVE A DISEASE: YOU HAVE TO FIGHT IT EVERYDAY.
I hope by ‘regret’ s/he wasn’t referring to guilt. I don’t think we, the atrabiliously disposed, should feel guilt over the harm our affliction has wreaked upon others. It took me 3 years of weekly therapy sessions before I realized that the harm “I” caused was not my fault and that therefore I shouldn’t feel guilty about it. But it’s okay to feel regret, but you have to keep regret and guilt separated in your mind. It’s only human to feel regret, but guilt is the stuff out of which monstrous nightmares are wrought.
I recently started taking Lamictal. It was hard, I am a jewelry designer (I know that this site is geared toward writers – but I am new to the whole web bipolar thing and a writer-friend told me to check you out). I feared that the medication would interfere with the extreme emotional experiences that drive my creative process. But I’m taking them and we’ll see.
Thank you, again, it’s good to know that someone responds and, maybe, understands.
That was my worry as well. My manics were always about creativity, just like everyone else’s. When I was in College I actually stopped taking my pills because I thought I was a better writer off of them. Two months later I was kicked out of College, my girlfriend (quite sensibly) broke up with me and I was kicked out of my room at the YMCA (yes, it is possible). But the clarity of reason can only be found on the medication, when the Disease is being managed. Take the pills. Give them some time, but if they don’t work, find others.
Thanks for dropping by.
I’ve so far managed to avoid your idea of carving a record of my day onto my arm. I think I’ll just stick to the blog… but if it ever goes down I’ll reconsider.
I know what you mean about trying to leave comments on Blogger. It’s a royal pain in the arse having to type in verification two or three times but I guess I’m stuck there now.
Hope things went OK for you over Christmas and wish you all the best for the New Year.
No, thank you…
“Two or three times”? I spent the better part of a week typing badly warped letters and numbers into the verifier… it was hunger and temporary blindness that finally forced me to stop.
Keep the forearm thing in mind, I think I remember something about Sam Pepys using his upper thighs during a paper shortage.
Hi. Found your blog via Mindsalot (Eleanor at Human Givens) and very interesting it is too. Since I am interested in people and in Mindsalot’s blog I thought I’d drop by and politely ask you if you would object to me adding you to my blogroll. (I will add your blog but if you do object, let me know and I will take it off.)Drop by and see whether you want to be associated with a Scottish bipolar shrink who has been fucked up by life, the NHS and stigmatisation.
Meanwhile, I am finding much food for thought in your posts, thanks.
Another BiPolar Scot… I think we’re proving this is all about genetics. Please, feel free to add this site to your Blogroll.
Try this one as well:
The two of you are:
05) married with children;
06) 2006 Medical Weblog Awards Nominees
08) Soon to be having tea together, I’m sure;
09) I’m fairly certain the two of you live on the same block;
Thanks for writing so honestly. Keep going.
Happy birthday. Just heading off to Glasgow now. But have a great day.
I will try and email you a picture!
I’m probably in the wrong place but I don’t know where else to put this (no suggestions thanks!). I just wanted to say thanks for exactly the right words at the right time…. “That’s alright dude. Besides, you were right about the pig thing, and I actually have had sex with my mother a few times, so that was cool as well… oh yeah, ‘mine’ really is that small. So no harm done.”
Excellent! I’m still chuckling.
Anytime Mo. And anywhere you want to say Hi is welcome.
This is belated and unrelated to this thread but I’ll say it anyway: If you were the feartheseeds who posted the comments to the Americans are dumb thread/video over at eastvillageidiot, then I thank you. You said everything that needed to be said and said it well, especially when replying to the smug Swedish expert on American voters.
It took me a few minutes to remember… but, yeah, you’re welcome.
Some Australian “news crew” came over to the States for one of those “lets prove Americans are retards by asking a hundred people thirty questions then only showing eight responses” BS things. There’s a Canadian version as well called “Talking To (or with?) Americans”.
This the post and responses Sean is writing about: eastvillageidiot.com (EVI’s got a very funny website going on, I suggest making it part of your blogroll).
I love salted’s new home … your interior designer should be given a bonus.
And, just who is that masked man at the top of the page!
It’s … Canada Man!
Oh no! I’m a total dip when it comes to figuring out the RSS feed thing, so I don’t think I’ll be much help… but the Marie Holzer blog has an RSS link at the top right of the page.
As far as the Mercurial page, I have no idea what’s going on… or how to fix it. 😦 Help!
You should totally go out for the special olympics ice hockey team. “I have a disease!” Crunch!
Easy Mohareb, two phone calls and you’re sitting in a Syrian basement drinking your own urine for the amusement of others…
I so appreciate your comment. I think I didn’t make my point very well and I admit I was upset about the responses but I’m going to use some NLP stuff to deal with it.
1 – the meaning of the communication is the response you receive. So I must take from that that the meaning of my post was to tell depressed people to buck up which was not the intention at all.
2 – cause and effect. I believe that it is important to be at cause always in your life. If you are at the effect of an event or person then you are not in the driving seat. So to be at cause I need to take charge of my situation by thinking about what the positives are.
I have learned that I need to be very specific about what I am trying to say. The responses I have received have given me an insight about what not to say. As a result I hope to write better posts and therefore have more chance of getting a clearer message across which if I am very lucky may be helpful to someone.
When I was immobilised by depression, I figured out that I couldn’t hardly do anything… except I could put one foot in front of the other. And that’s what I did. I walked. It was the only thing I could do … but I could do it. And I knew that walking was exercise and that meant endorphins. Interestingly, I think the chimp is doing the same thing. He’s doing the things he can and concentrating on them ie tidying the room and taking charge of his diet. Call it a strategy or a way of coping or whatever you want to call it. NLP is just lots of the bleedin obvious I have found. They just went to people and said ‘how did/ do you do it?’ and turned it into a technique.
I really do believe that some people suffer depression through bad thinking patterns and that it is possible to take charge of that thinking and create new patterns. Its not at all easy when someone is in the depths of depression but if you can somehow break in… If it is a chemical issue then not at all? I don’t know? What do you think?
Anyway, I’ve learned loads and made a new friend. I really enjoyed your site and the fantastic responses you have got. I would like to add you to my blogroll if that’s ok.
Again your kind response is much appreciated.
“When I was immobilised by depression, I figured out that I couldn’t hardly do anything… except I could put one foot in front of the other. And that’s what I did. I walked. It was the only thing I could do … but I could do it.”
I think this is the most important thing, literally and figuratively. Recovery from depression or clinical depression or even manic depression is all about using the lucid moments to prepare for the depressions — or the manics as well, in the case of manic depression. And that generally means small steps, or taking the steps you can. Don’t think past, for example, simply finding the local mental health clinic. Once that step’s over, then you can think about walking in to find out what they can do for you.
I think, when it comes to changing thought processes, there might be a need to define “depression”. Or define the differences between forms of depression. Not having a good day causes a depression significantly different than one caused by a death in the family, and again through addiction. And “normal” depression, or depression caused by normally occurring events, is very different than those forced on someone with manic depression.
I think I understand what you mean by “bad thinking patterns”… I’ve heard the same language from people learning a martial art. In a way there is something to the idea of learning new “thinking patterns”. If someone with a clinical depression, or even manic depression, has been untreated for many years they usually need to be reminded how to react to the good and normal in their life.
I’ve always thought the twelve-steps from Alcoholics Anonymous would be an interesting place for someone with manic depression to start their recovery. Most of the people I know in AA needed the program desperately, but eventually moved on after they’d spent enough time sober to get a handle on their lives. So as long as what you’re doing is keeping you from harming yourself, it’s all good with me because each day lucid and alive means you could find a better treatment path. But you definitely have to keep looking… you have to Use the system which works Now, but not let it constrain your recovery later.
As for ExChimp… he enjoys taking on philosophies or mission statements of organizations which purport to work for people with a mental illness. I’ve helped out at least once. But when the comments slip off the mission statement and into the people behind it I get bothered… although there was a guy who was insulting to a bunch of us and it was a lot of fun messing with him. Most of the time EC is fair in his criticism — he’ll let you offer a defense if you want. However, it is a personal blog and open to public responses so there maybe times where people get a little agitated. Again, I thought you were doing fine.
wanted to see if I had changed my link – hope this works
yea – everything is good. Reading a fantastic book at the moment called ‘man’s search for meaning’ by Viktor E. Frankl. I have heard it oft quoted in NLP circles and I now realise why. He was a survivor of the concentration camps and a professor of neurology and psychiatry. His family, clothes and liberty were taken from him, he was stripped down until he has ‘nothing to loose except his so ridiculously naked life’.
He went through torments and deprivations that I cannot even imagine. What kept him alive when others gave up? … the pictures he made in his head and the notion that ‘ it is not really what we expect from life, but rather what life expected from us. We needed to stop asking about the meaning of life, and instead to think of ourselves as those who were being questioned by life – daily and hourly.’
I think it’s a notion I will adopt for myself along with ‘ what does not kill us makes us stronger’ It is when we are tested that we learn the most.
How are you?
I thought you’d find this interesting.
Caveat emptor, I just looked at the front page.
Gabriel…appropriately named. You are being such an angel in trying to help me turn my really “rough at the edges” blog into something worth reading. I appreciate it. I really do.
I would like to add you to my blogroll at TPB. We already have you on BPChicksBlogging.
Please, keep being so kind to me. Few people are.
TPBarbie: I have no problem spreading the Good News of HTML coding and whenever my blog ends up in someone’s blogroll an Angel gets her Lithium… so that’s good. I’ll send you some stuff tomorrow (Nov. 01).
Mohareb: Any site promoting the fact Canada was in there at the beginning of Punk… the Genesis as it were, is a site worth checking out. Even if it’s just the first page. And a big old ab asino lanam back at you.
Dorothy: I’m doing pretty well actually… I was just checking to make sure you were still around, I noticed your blog seemed… stalled? I’m glad you’re still into this whole thing… resurrected even.
Wow. Three responses and three Biblical references… I hope no one crucifies me for my blatant blasphemy.
It’s taken me a while to find you. I’m glad to see you still taking your meds. Hoping you’ve thought about me over the years and that you might like to get in touch with an old friend.
I think my brain just exploded.
Hey old friend, I’m still here. Can’t believe you got this message so fast. I was just reading some of your stuff. Amazing, as it always was. Check [your metro address], I e-mailed you.
hey, thank you for inquiring about my well being. i’m doing much, much better, thank you! life continually surprises….
That’s fantastic, it sounds like Village life is agreeing with you…
It has taken way too long for this. Thank you sticking up my posts in a little blog widget. I was thrilled to see it appear on any blog but for it happen on this one, well I was giddier thank a drunken school-girl.
Thanks for the experimental chimp rec.
And should you wish to smack me about and tell me to stop being so gushing the email is below
exactlyscience hat gee mail dot comedy [that’s the best anti-spam bot security feature I can come up with]
You’ve got some interesting stuff on your blog Dude. As for this, or any other recovery blog, we all stuff our Lithium into the same hole so don’t be intimidated into not taking part in a conversation. The way I figure it we can all learn from each others recovery, and you seem to have a pretty good handle on yours. And most forms of gushing are totally okay with me.
Actually, I put you in my sidebar last week, when you suggested it would be a good idea.
Actually I suggested at least two, possibly three, other blogs. You know, just in case more of your readers felt the urge to purge… their brains against a wall. Just so we’re clear, if you ever encounter a member of my family, don’t give them this URL. I’ve written two posts about this, I don’t think I can handle a third.
I found your site this evening. Thanks for sharing. I look forward to reading more. Jennifer (polarbearmama.wordpress.com)
It do go a bit weird but I have better people around me, both real and digital.
A much shorter gift from me to you, an encouragement to devour Dahl. From Fantastic Mr Fox:
Boggis and Bunce and Bean
One fat, one short, one lean.
These horrible crooks
So different in looks
Were nonetheless equally mean.
Hope you had a happy and peaceful Christmas.
Just getting geared up here for the biggest party night Scotland knows…
Have a great Hogmany and all my love and best wishes for the New Year.
Jen, may your first-footer be a dude with dark hair… and your second-footer be carrying a keg. My best to you and your family.
hey gabriel, I’ve been dipping in and out of your blog but I can’t find a reference to the name of the cult your family was involved with.
do you ever name it or is it something that is private for you?
Hi Nurse Myra… it is Private for a couple of reasons, mostly because my publisher wants as few details as possible online… they’re not entirely thrilled with me keeping this blog, but as far as I’ve been told they’re okay as long as the names stay Private. I will say it wasn’t a traditional capital C Cult, it was more a small c based around the personality and charisma of my father. There are other reasons… in a warped way I’m also protecting my father and The Others, but the publisher thing is the 51%.
ok, that’s cool. I had been watching a doco on the children of god cult and I’d wondered if it was the same one.
fascinating doco. it was called cult killer and it was about a guy called rodriguez
Mine was anti-religion, too bourgeois… opiate of the masses and all that, for a little while in the middle there were some weird limits on who could have sex with whom and where they could do it but nothing like the Children of God people.
Thanks for your comments. I’m learning alot about bipolar as I roam around here!
I have a WordPress question for you. I haven’t been able to figure out how to get my blog buttons into the sidebar, as you have done under
Salted Philosophy. Does the html I used to get them into each post go into a text widget (I’m pretty sure I already tried that.)
Off topic, I know, but thought you’d be able to help.
Finally reading some of the books I’ve bought over the years,
thinking bout ya, gabester. we’re suffering from light deprivation here, which always brings this tune to mind. the history of depp’s shades are a mere plus. i just knew you’d be down for that, right? hope you’re getting a little sunshine with your snowdrifts, my northern pal. if so, please send a ‘lil our way. xx
hey gabriel, just wanted you to know I still call by and read your blog. can never come up with anything to say that doesn’t seem trite but I’m often thinking of you x
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It’s okay Nurse Myra, I appreciate your leaving this note and I understand completely… it’s the biggest problem about Recovery Blogs I have as well. As much as I try to Start a conversation with my posts I know most of them are, basically, too personal for people to drop a comment on. It’s one of the reasons I’m trying (albeit slowly) to restart [my other blog] and keeping my photo site updated… my brain isn’t nearly as mushy as it was last year so I’ve got some things planned so I can have non-recovery based blog relationships as well…
So, any chance you’ll be working your way up to Tarannah?
Thank you. Let’s hope it works xxx
Gabriel, I need some advice on blogging. If you get this, can you email me: . I didn’t see an email for you anywhere on the page, or I would have just contacted you that way.
Really enjoyed reading many of the offerings in your blog; good stuff! Also like your overall layout. And for the record, seeing you spend money on hockey tickets, I remain, at 50 years old, a diehard Chicago Blackhawks fan . . . no doubt you’ll sleep easier possessing this information. Some would say my half-century love for the Hawks makes me crazy but you gotta roll with the team that brought you to the dance.
Thanks CGabriel… with the weird way Bill Wirtz treated the fans, especially with those bizarre television deals, I always felt bad for fans of the Blackhawks. But now that Kane, Toews, Lang, Sharp and Havlet are playing there… not so much anymore. And Patrick Lalime is still one of my favourite players… even after that Toronto/Senators series I’ve thought the Senators made a mistake getting rid of him. I have to admit I’m a little pissed that Wade Redden will probably end up in a Blackhawks sweater…
I just realized my About Page doesn’t mention the teams I spent the book money on… weird. I honestly think I just assumed everyone would know it was on the Ottawa Senators and the OHL’s Ottawa 67’s.
Thanks for coming over Christopher, I’m a fan of your (sort of) radio show.
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Hello! I love yer blog.
Thanks for commenting Seaneen, I’m a fan of yours as well.
Hello. I’ve noticed you linked me. I’m flattered and curious 🙂
terrifying how that happens, isn’t it?
I talk with my hands quite a bit- intentional and unintentional.
Sign language is beautiful (be it the actual language or the emphasis we use it for).
I find the human life’s subjective views of experience interesting 🙂 I’m sure I’ll enjoy those reads; thank you for the suggestion.
You must either a- be a sleep-defunct individual as myself or b- in a very different time zone.
Also, what’s so weird about knitting? Without it, I’m sure we’d be either naked or fashion-less, and that’s not a happy thought considering how icy winter is and how vain the human race is.
Moikka auralay… you’re very welcome for the suggestions, I also highly recommend the other blogs in my blogroll but I thought those two best matched your blog.
There’s absolutely nothing weird about knitting. I’ve had people knit amazing sweaters for me, but Blogging about knitting… when I first discovered they were out there it just felt like they’d either be really dry and exacting, or totally in the style of fetish porn. I was mostly right about both.
If you want access to their world this is one of my favourite blogs: KnitNut.Net
The sleep thing… I’m in the EST, but my internal clock is set somewhere in SE Asia. I have gained some control over my sleep/wake through medications, but at the moment I lack the reasons to take control.
Actually I just took some of those pills not too long ago, so I’m starting to turn into mush now…
Ah… knitblogs.. I can’t say those really blow my skirt up, but they excite some people, I suppose.
I use it for a therapy for the mind and the hands (I’m 22 and my fingers bother me already… too much writing, mom says).
pass the pills along, sir. I’d love to partake.
elsewise, hit me up on AIM, if you like. I’ll be up for a bit unless my circadian rhythm decides to jazz up.
Hi again auralay. I can’t IM/AIM, I don’t have the dexterity or grasp on the lolanguage. Whenever I try I end up writing 600 words where 12 were expected and by the time I post my comment the forum has closed or everyone’s asleep or having IM sex. Plus, I have GTA IV and a PS3 so that takes up most of my free non-blogging time. I think Grand Theft Auto is to me what knitting is for you.
The sleep aid I take is called Seroquel, usually 100mgs when I want to sleep and it knocks me out. It is prescribed in low doses to people with sleep and anxiety disorders.
Ahh lolspeak. I hate it. I prefer to write in whole sentences using real words with their correct spellings. 😀 And don’t even get me started on IM sex… can you say wrong?
I used to be on Klonopin (a lesser form of valium, yet just as effective… one half pill could knock me on my ass), but I’ve since been taken off of it (Addictive personalities and controlled substances sometimes aren’t the best mix).
as for video games, I’ve been reminiscing with my N64 and zelda 🙂 I’m a nerd.
How’d you get that random post thing?
FinPen: Which what random where now? If you mean the link it’s http://wordpress.com/next/
Another RE- untied
I caught myself laughing aloud at a response.
this is terrible.
No, the thing below your search bar.
G’day Finicky Penguin… do you mean the black and white photo..? I got that by taking it. That’s me. It’s a self portrait, the font is arial black and it’s in a text widget with a link to the Next feature. If you want to know more you’ll have to be a tad more specific…
Hi again auralay… over lunch today with my parents lol language came up. My step-father is a VP at an architectural firm and the legal department are getting worried about the rapidly increasing use of lol language when negotiating business deals… I thought it was hilarious that he thought lol = lots of love, and he couldn’t figure out why his admin kept writing that in her emails. My mom knows short-hand and in short hand btw is short for “between”, so whenever mom saw it in an email she thought it meant “between you and me” — as in ‘keep this a secret’.
I never really got into Nintendo… I grew up with the Vic20, then the Commodore 64 then my girlfriend had a Sega Genesis and then I graduated to the PlayStation One. My younger brother, however, has a collection of pretty much every major platform released in the past ten years.
I grew up without cable and all that… good old fashioned playing out doors 🙂
I got my first platform around the age of 13, I think. And then my sisters and I all went in together and bought a PS2 when I was 16.
I’m more inclined to curl up with a book, to be honest.
I’m also kind of worried about how lol language seems to be taking over. What happened to being able to use real words to communicate?
and, RE- untied- I wish I could say mine was stress-related, though I can commiserate (I worked as a cook for about 6 years on and off, and managed the kitchen for one summer… that was enough).
I just got round to watching those tubes of the frantics you left at DE ages ago. Awesome.
I don’t know why boot to the head is so funny, but it totally is.
you are wonderful. 🙂 keep writing (i know you will.)
We are nearing our two year blog-friendship anniversary. Happy early! Any thoughts percolating?
You’re right, we should definitely figure something out… I know I’m definitely giving you and your family diabetes in the form of at least a quart of maple syrup. I may toss a few shirts in the box as well…
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There is a pic on CNN of a wall street trader that looks suspiciously like you. Are you sure you live in Canada?
I don’t know… I was hoping for someone a little more Clooney-ish. I’ve gotten a lot of comparisons to Brendan Fraser, a good Canadian lad, which I’ve come to terms with over the years… as long as it’s Brendon from “The Quiet American” rather than from “George of the Jungle”… actually I just checked and I think I’d be okay with either.
It’s always good to see your chocolate footprints on my blog…
Damn. How long have I “known” you. Like a year? I knew you looked like someone. Brendan Fraser is who. A year and it took you to point it out. Oy vey
This article on Torontoist had some stuff about a new program you might be able to write about.
Don’t know how it could have taken me so long to discover your blog, but its Brilliant!
Unfortunately it does mean that i’m now going to have to move in for a few weeks, and obsessively read my way through your archives and blog roll! Can I pitch my tent round the back? I promise not to light any campfires, and I’ll keep my goat on a leash.
Hello and thanks Lola… feel free to read and comment anything and anywhere you want, I’m almost always in here somewhere. Campfires are allowed, but no yelling after 2am.
Hi. Remember me? The unresponsive, sometime blogger? Congrats on your 2nd anniversary.
I read your most recent post (rather controversial, it seems), and actually took a look around. It’s absolutely amazing how completely I’ve isolated myself. But then again, I do tend to alienate anyone with whom I interact whenever I do come out to play, so…
You guys really do have quite the thriving community, and it looks like you’re a pretty big part of it. Congrats, again.
Hi Pythia, of course I remember you. Thanks for coming over again.
I don’t think the post was that controversial, maybe unexpected though. I haven’t written many “issue” pieces here, I have a whole other blog for that. But I think I’m going to start doing more of it here.
I am but a tiny cog in a larger machine. We’ve all been hanging out together for a couple of years now… if you want in we are accepting applications. I can put in a good word with Aikaterine, I think she’s still in charge.
hey Gabe – coincidentally we celebrate xmas at almost the same time as you – maybe just 10 hours earlier 🙂
hope you have a great yuletide and may 2009 be a year of health, happiness and recovery xxx
Merry Christmas, Gabriel. And the best wishes of health and happy for you in the New Year, my friend. xx
Happy Holidays, dude. Easy friendships are very rarely worth it.
There is no way in bloody fucking hell I can read 84 responses…not tonight…maybe not ever unless we ramp my stims up to a level where even an ADD’er will be on a massive party trip.
Who is Gabriel? What is he about?
He’s a “puzzle” just like me, just like you, just like we all are.
Due to the “puzzleness,” we may not always understand each other in the moment but we still always know that we do. We will always “get” each other.
Gabriel is my friend. He is always there for me. When he is not “immediately” there for me, I think that he may be going through something…my nin-JAH maybe needs some rest? However, my wonderful Gabriel is a beautiful and sensitive human being. He cares.
He’s proven that to me–because he’s tossed those feelings back to me when I’ve needed them myself. He’s always looked out for me…been beautiful, given me care and sensitivity when I’ve been in pain.
And he’s funny as hell, too.
Love you, nin-JAH.
hey Gabe – hope 2009 is particularly good to you xx
Thanks Dame and Justin… and especially to Nurse Myra for writing from the future.
If nothing else, Purple ninJAH, this Gabriel guy is definitely your friend. Thanks for writing that.
I am bi-polar at times and at times I’m me. These days I’m working on living the 74th year of my life as well as I can. I have read Dr. Whybrow’s, A mood apart! and believe that reading gave me enough perspective on my bi-polarism to live “as well as I can” without meds.
As for those who have been “hurt by me being me”, I recognize that happened and I did accept in discussions with them that I can be “hard to live with” whether I am on the High mood or the Low.
At age 50some I let my common law partner at that time convince me to visit a psychiatrist at the Ottawa Hospital. Gawd what a nut case he was. I did try a prescription for Lithium salts and one blood test to balance the amount of that substance in my blood. When me legs and arms started trembling, unbidden, I decided that was enough of that. When I told him he said “Well you should have asked me for an antidote!”
I said “Dr. that’s the real problem in my life I have tried too many antidotes and I have decided that come what may I’m compatible with Lithium whatever”.
Twenty some years later and a few other woman connections, I am more convinced than ever that I like myself as I am without any bi-polar meds. Long live my highs and lows. That’s me love me or leave me!
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Oh, man. THAT picture. Thanks.
Holy Cows! Moo, the power of the personal story has been the ONLY thing that has helped me to articulate this smuckiness. Thanks no kidding, no joke. Pleeease don’t leave us out there floundering around without a word to float on?
Do I have to give up coffee?
Just checking in. You’ve not posted in a wee while so email or something and let me know you’re okay. Miss you too big guy!
PUDDLE!!! This is so weird, I just created this “MIA” section for dormant blogs to my blogroll and suddenly three of them have come back to life. Either I’m a miracle worker or my blog is… or maybe we’re just channelling a greater force. WordPress be praised.
It’s always, always, always great to see your avatar on my blog Jenny Jen Jen.
Glad to be here.
(and glad you’re well)
Hope you and your bro have a blast at the wedding.
thank you for your comment. i commented back, but on my blog. i’ve no idea if it’ll tell you that i did, so i’m here telling you instead.
thanks again for help the other day too. your blog is fantastic.
Did you get my email vis a vis the visit?
[I did thank you, it touched me in ways I could never have imagined. I’ll send you the photos.]
Thanks Puddle, so far the pre-wedding festivities are… not quite so festive. I think the bride has been throwing up for three or four days straight.
Thanks robismo, I’m liking your blog as well. Very cool stuff… any comments you make will turn up on your “My Comments” page, which you can find on your “Dashboard.” Now, anytime anyone leaves a message here this thread will show up on your My Comments page.
thank you for the compliment, and thank you (again) for the wordpress knowlegde!
…do you mind if i link to your page from mine?
I don’t mind at all robismo… technically I think asking a blogger if they’d mind being in a blogroll is a little like asking a cat if they’d like to smoke a bowl of catnip.
Did your card ever arrive, btw?
[me: Yes it did. And thanks. There are times when I have to be reminded that I have friends. Thanks Justin.]
You drive me absolutely bananas.
Fair enough bromac, but I have no idea what you’re referring to…
I’m going to be going to a convention in Ottawa on the May 24 weekend (which, oddly enough, is May 15-17 this year). You got any plans for the Saturday evening?
LOVE the new header!
Thanks Little Sister… and I’m checking the post box everyday for the buttons. I’m trying to come up with a really short list of people I’d be willing to give one to… I haven’t thought of anyone worthy enough yet.
Hi Justin, dinner would be great… I can bring CSG.
oooh crap. I really should mail those, shouldn’t I? …one made it onto my coat and I think I have four left… you should have them by 2012.
i seriously love the goldfish photo you have up right now. it would make my macbook very happy to have it as its wallpaper. hint hint.
Your goldfish content has been provided… let me know if there are any other photos you want. Somehow I’ve managed to collect a lot of sleeping rat photos, and a couple of shots of mice being mice.
I got the buttons, and they’re totally freaking awesome. You’re now, officially, my favourite sister. I can’t even remember the names of the other two… Phyllis? Debra? No, it was Mo’Nique something and Sandra. No… uhm… whatever.
Glad to know you are easily bought. You’ll be receiving a magazine in the mail within about two weeks. I am 90% happy with it.
After sinking Lori’s blog I am beginning to think that you are a genuine evil genius. Keep up the the good evil work
I just wanted to let you know that I love that the hover over your link to my blog says, “blunt and to the point.” I very much take it as a compliment.
I’ve resurfaced again, don’t know for how long–as long as it takes for me to drain the vitriol from my soul, I guess. Ok, maybe not–that would take forever.
Part of the reason I’m back is that I signed up for Twitter. I started posting all sorts of bitter, complaining crap, so I figured, what is the point of this? I need more than 140 characters to get this crap out. So, here I am again, and this time armed with an iPhone and an app that lets me post straight from it to here. Yay!
I’ve been feeling angsty, and I need to get it out. We’ll see how long it lasts.
Oh, and duh…
Hi there Gabriel, saw your post in that forum page about the person leaving in 2010… just wanted to say that I’m glad I wasn’t the only one who noticed that some people like to attack others and insult. I know that someone commented on your reply “piling is never cool” but I agree with you, they also commented on my post. I guess I may have been a little hypocritical, but the only way to stop behavior is to say something about it right? Anyways, I like your blog, very informative. I look forward to more posts.
I added you to my blogroll already, so thank you for your words and Happy new Years!
After developing a nasty little heart problem, after then being diagnosed treatment resistant twice in the past 15 years, after a last ditch effort ie electroconvulsive treatments, I bought a dug out and a bat. Not softball, silly. Pot. I still have 4 Zyprexa in the cabinet.
No more meds. Depression as a side effect is ironic, weight gain is hell on my joints, but heart problems?
Air. I meditated on air and rendered myself worthy to breath. It was a good Christmas, spectrum lighting helps, the three tokes I took for three days in a row lifted my mood and left it there. That was over a week ago.
What the New Year brings? A trip to a good homeopath, a therapist change, and excercise.
Thanks for sharing your journey. It helps.
Thanks for your blog and your words. I appreciate your candor and your struggle. Keep up the good work. We’re not alone.
Hey there. Thanks for your words and your blog. We’re not alone. I appreciate your stretching to explain that which to me seems relatively indescribable except to others with the disease and therapists… if you’re lucky to a) have one and b) have a good one.
Cheers to the salt that makes it all possible!
Testing. Hi Richard… in WordPress they have a page individually set up for us users called “My Comments” — so whenever I make a comment on another WordPress blog, it automatically appears in “My Comments”. Then, any comment made after mine by anyone else, also turns up in “My Comments” to let me know there’s a conversation going on.
It’s also supposed to work when I leave comments on my own blog posts and pages. Right now it’s not working… and the person from WordPress support who I’m trying to get to fix it, doesn’t know how the “My Comment” system works. So she’s telling me there’s nothing to fix.
She’s been giving me the wrong advice for a week now. It’s a little frustrating.
UPDATE: I think they’ve figured out what’s wrong. Now comments made on either of my WordPress accounts — on pages or posts — are appearing on the My Comments section of my other account. It’s a start.
Hi. I really enjoyed reading your blog last night. I still have much to read on here, but you’ve done a great job describing and explaining things. I’ve added it to my blogroll (Magical Shrinking). I hope that’s okay!
Hi right back at you Christiane. Thanks for taking the time to comment. Just so you know, asking a blogger if it’s okay to put their URL in your blogroll is generally like asking an addict if they’d like to smoke a crack sandwich… thanks for that as well.
…I changed the URL attached to your name so it directs to your new blog.
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Hi Gabriel – Can I ask? Who drew your avatar?
Hi Lydia, if you meant the Bipolar Devil, the original was a b/w line illustration on a band T-shirt back in the early 1990’s (ish). They were called “Tongues & Bones”, I think they were a Guns & Roses tribute band. I never saw them, or heard them, but a friend did at a parking lot concert in Ottawa, he thought they were cool and grabbed the shirt. Then, years later, I traded him a dress shirt for it. About four years ago I started using an actual photo of the original devil as a header image, then I did a trace, scanned it, and I’ve been altering it ever since.
You can see a couple of the versions here (one of them looks like Batman dressed as a cat): [link]
So, long story short, I don’t know who did the original, but I like mine better.
That first response was right on the money and very helpful – its good to be reminded of what it’s all about and there’s a shock of recognition which makes for a connection even if it is webified
I agree about hask
I wonder if many b.p. people tend toward the eclectic? I do in work as well as interests….
There is a thing called a “thought record” chart that b.p.’s can use which i’ve been finding helpful – charting is always helpful
thanks for this blog – it’s the bong! i mean bomb!
Hi Frank , and welcome. I think you were right with “it’s the bong”. People with a case of the bipolars tend towards the “eclectic” because we can’t focus on anything long enough to finish. It’s kind of, sort of, like the difference between watching ‘Akira’ and ‘The Americanization of Emily’. One’s just a vague story with lots of flashing bright lights and tentacles that just leaves you drooling, confused and with a giant headache… and possibly causing seizures, the other is a somewhat linear story starring Julie Andrews and James Garner in the greatest anti-war movie of ever and ever.
Thanks for commenting, nice to meet you.
I used to read your blog a few years ago (2007-2008ish). I am glad to see that you are still blogging. I am “following” you, if you don’t mind.
Hi! I don’t mind at all, welcome back.
Gabriel I’ve nominated you for the One Lovely Blog Award
Thanks Paz, that’s very kind of you.
I nominated u for the Sunshine award. check out http://santuonline.wordpress.com/2012/05/31/my-2nd-blogger-award/
Hey, just came over to say hi old friend. Thx for dropping in on my now un-updated blog! And congrats on the book deal.
Hey Gabe, excellent to hear from you. Sorry for the delay, between vacation and losing my job I’ve been a bit busy. Glad to hear you’re enjoying life with a few people, miniature or otherwise. Glad to see you’re writing, too, and hope to gain some inspiration from your blog. Drop me a line any time, and friend me on my facebook page (without the middle initial; the other I started recently for professional reasons; my other is just Alan Kors). I can’t seem to respond to your profile for some reason though.
Great blog. I am a coach/therapist in Toronto who works with many clients with bipolar. I have been following the discussions about the various forms of lithium yet I can’t seem to find a source of Lithium orotate in Canada. I’m not sure whether I can order it on line as I’ve heard that drugs sent through the mail are typically confiscated. Do you have a good source and what is your experiences with getting ahold of it? Thanks and good luck!
Hi Bradley. This is just my opinion*, but I would suggest that taking lithium orotate as a treatment for depression (or, really, anything else) makes about as much sense as sucking on a tiger’s dried up dick to treat impotence. Stick to lithium carbonate, there are several studies into its effectiveness as a treatment for manic depression. Just make sure you use it under the proper supervision, and make sure you get in for the blood tests.
Remember: lithium orotate = dried up tiger dick.
Thanks for coming over, and good luck.
*if you, or anyone else, can find one peer-reviewed / published study that shows the effectiveness of lithium orotate as a treatment for depression — including the proper therapeutic dose and all that wonderful stuff, I will stuff a dried up tiger dick in my mouth and sing Robin Thicke’s hit single, ‘Blurred Lines’, while dancing naked and waving a ‘rainbow flag’ in front of a Russian police officer.
Referring now to macindog.org I note from the content of my most recent blog entry,
that you and I, while in close agreement on many of the aspects of our shared affliction, disagree somewhat. I agree that MD has been highly romanticized by the laity, and you decry that. But in the above blog piece I attempt, in a very personal way, to explain it.
Hi Bruce. I’ll respond to your comments soon… I thought I’d have time before now, but I just don’t. You make some excellent points, and I do want to cover them properly.
Just a note about your website… when I cross over to ‘macindog.org’, I get a malware warning from my browser (Firefox). So I’ve turned the link off (and removed it from your name). For some reason, the blog entry you left here seems to work just fine, so I’ll leave that alone.