How To Grow A Beard And Start A Revolution.

How To Grow A Beard And Start A Revolution…

Step One:
Let your beard grow. Actually I guess step one should be “be physically able to grow one.” Seriously though, stop shaving for six weeks. Mark it on a calender somewhere if you drink a lot.

Step Two:
Use shampoo, not hand soap, and rinse your beard really, really thoroughly. The soap, or lack of washing, is what makes it itchy.

Step Three:
After six weeks you can start trimming your beard — carefully — it took six fucking weeks to grow the damn thing so plan it out. And for fucks sakes, keep it off your neck. A beard is meant to conceal the evil in compliment your face not act as a hair transition from your forehead to your pubic area. Remember, it takes a few months until your beard is fully grown.

Step Four:
Sit back and wait for the checks to roll in. Yes, beards pay dividends.

Step Five:
Count the money, slowly.

Step Six:
Lay it out on a bed and nail your new trophy wife, Annette Bening, on all that frigging money.

Step Seven:
Buy the poor. That’s right, by now you’ll have enough money to buy all the frigging poor people.

Step Eight:
Make all the poor people grow beards, even the women and children… especially the women and children.

Step Nine:
Wait six weeks.

Step Ten:
Take your recently purchased army of recently-bearded poor people and any remaining funds and take jazz-dance lessons: it is vital you learn “jazz hands”, all the rest is useless. In fact just tell the teacher to only teach “jazz hands” to you and your army of bearded poor people, the rest of jazz dancing is just fucking retarded (note: if the check frequency has dropped off using a good conditioner on your beard will get the money flowing again).

Step Eleven:
Buy red jump suits for your entire bearded army of poor people.

Step Twelve:
If you’ve done everything right by this point you should have a whole lot of bearded poor people standing around, kind of bent at the waist and knees, with their arms outstretched just a little and bent at the elbows, flailing their hands while dressed in red uni-jump suits. If you don’t have this, or something just doesn’t feel right, just go back and repeat Step Six but this time really go to town with your trophy wife, Annette Bening… like seriously funky shit, like let her try a strap-on and you be the catcher, or midgets. Or midgets with strap-ons, I don’t know… Internet stuff.

Step Thirteen:
While your army of recently-bearded poor people are ‘jazz-handing’ in red uni-jump suits you have to be on some sort of podium, something just high enough so you can see the back row of your army of recently-bearded poor people so you should be, minimum, thirty or forty feet high.

Step Fourteen:
Stand perfectly upright, but really really still. Look out at your army of recently-bearded poor people without really seeing them.

Step Fifteen:
Wait. It will all become self-evident soon.


You’ve got the biggest beard, you’ve bought the poor, you’ve forced them to resemble your beauty, you’ve got them doing some seriously weird shit at your whim, Hollywood has-beens are tickling your penis, you’ve been gangbanged by midgets with strapons and now you’re ignoring the plight of your people. Mr. Chavez will be contacting you shortly.



About Gabriel...

...diagnosed with manic depression when I was nineteen, for the next 14-years I lived without treatment or a recovery plan. I've been homeless, one time I graduated college, I've won awards for reporting on Internet privacy issues, and a weekly humour column. In 2002 I finally hit bottom and found help. It's now 2022, and I have an 8-year old son, and a 12-year old son... I’m usually about six feet tall, and I'm pretty sure I screwed up my book deal. I mostly blog at
This entry was posted in Entertainment, Fear The Seeds, Humor, Humour, Politics. Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to How To Grow A Beard And Start A Revolution.

  1. puddlejumper says:

    Love the post.
    But keep getting stuck on “step one”
    Would letting my armpit hair grow count?
    # sometimes its hard to be a woman # (she sings, mournfully)
    I think orange jumpsuits might work better though…

  2. Gabriel... says:

    There’s a Maggie Thatcher joke in there somewhere… it really is just one more sign of the oppression women have suffered under that I can’t think of one good example of a bearded or non-bearded female Revolutionary Dictator Leader.

  3. puddlejumper says:

    What about Emiline Pankhurst from the sufragette movement?
    Catherine the Great?
    joan of arc?
    Please not Thatcher though. Wish she wasn’t one of “ours”

  4. Gabriel... says:

    Emmeline actually spent a lot of time in Canada:
    “When Emmeline returned to Britain [from Canada] in 1925 she joined the Conservative Party and was adopted as one of their candidates in the East End of London.”

    Revolutionary Leaders, maybe… Gloria Steinham? Or, maybe, ‘Leaders Who Are Revolutionary’… Golda Meir? But not Revolutionary Dictator-like Leaders. Not yet. Women leaders still have a lot of ground to make up before we can mention them in the same breath as Chavez, Castro and Pinochet.
    We must continue the fight until millions of people can be savagely oppressed, fairly and equally, by either sex.

  5. Pingback: My Thanks To You On The First Anniversary Of Salted Lithium… YAY YOU. « …salted lithium.

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