The Zombie Meme

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Dark Entries woke up early a few days ago and, having some time to kill before his owner fed him, he found a meme… then, as is his character, he stole it.

So I’m passing it on as well to five people I’m fairly confident will carry it on — because they love children and would never want bad things to happen to them… but feel free to add your buck sixty-five in the comment area if you’re so inclined.

The rules are as follows:

You are in a mall when zombies attack. You have:
1. One weapon
2. One song blasting on the speakers
3. One famous person to fight along side you.

So you’ve got a mall full of the undead and need a weapon. It’s the age-old quandary… to kill a mall full of zombie’s you need something that will explode a head at long range, but still small enough to get up in a hurry when a zombie pops up in your face. You need something that will do the job right with one shot, with a large magazine and is easy to reload.

Machine guns and anything with 9mm in its name are too small and are not reliable beyond ten feet. So any zombified family member shambling around very close to you will catch some bullets, but because those bullets are so small their brains will remain intact while yours and those of your children will be eaten.

Shotguns are handy to have, but have small magazine’s which take forever to load. So seven shots, then a full two minutes to reload. That’s a max of seven mashed zombie brains, then you stand around reloading while the three hundred other zombie’s zero in on your position thanks to the incredibly loud sound of seven shotgun blasts.

When they’re available everyone in a zombie movie seems to love the Assault rifles. Even in Shaun Of The Dead the humans ditch the things which work, the cricket bats, in favour of a single shot Winchester .44calibre rifle.

But even modern assault rifles hardly do any damage to the body. They certainly don’t have the capacity to blow the head off an attacking zombie. Rifles are accurate, but they act like an arrow… straight in, straight out. If used against a zombie in combat you’d need a bucket load of bullets to take your targets down.

There is always the pistol option, and there are some .50 calibre models in production now which would take a zombie’s head clean off. The problem with using pistols against zombie’s, however, is they lack substantial range… plus the recoil would probably break smaller wrists, making it useless for any children in your survivor party.

Therefore the best assault weapon to use against zombie’s would be the Auto Assault-12 (AA12) combat shotgun.

The AA12 fires shotgun shells full-auto at 300 rpm. And we’re talking full titanium slug and FRAG-12 High-Explosive ammunition — which is actually a grenade, and turns the AA12 into a FULL AUTO grenade launcher.

That means when you find a nest of sleeping zombie’s after they’ve stolen your dog, you can put 32 high explosive rounds (grenades) into their midst in less than twenty seconds. You never have to worry about aiming for the head again. But, just in case, the AA12 is deadly accurate up to 175 yards.

And there’s no recoil so the children can use it as well.


The awesome AA-12 assault shotgun…

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For the song selection I’ve chosen the Gary Jules remake of the Tears For Fears classic “Mad World”. I could’ve gone with a metal song, something like “Rock ‘n’ Roll Nigger” by Marilyn Manson, but the way I see it all zombie movies are about sucking the audience in with the possibility of survival.

Zombie movies are inevitable. At least the good ones are. The first ending to “28 Days Later” sucked tick infested dog balls, as did both endings to “I Am Legend”. While mostly cool, the metal soundtracks to the recent zombie movies just feel like cheats to me…

Plus I’m assuming this is supposed to be the soundtrack for the last charge and it’d be a slow motion montage of some kind…


Mad World.

.

The person I’d most want at my side while firing off the last rounds of my AA12 would be the original El Mariachi… I thought about Jesus, but he’s already a zombie.


Ten Minute Film School feat. El Mariachi

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And the five people I’m tagging with this meme are…

finicky penguin; alruiceis; Justin; Natalia, and; Perfect Defect

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Bonus Zombie Song…


“Zombie” by The Cranberries

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...thanks.

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About Gabriel...

...diagnosed with manic depression in 1989, for the next 14-years I lived without treatment or a recovery plan. I've been homeless, one time I graduated college, I've won awards for reporting on Internet privacy issues, and a weekly humour column. In 2002 I finally hit bottom and found help. I have an 8-year old son, and a 4-year old son... I’m usually about six feet tall, and I'm pretty sure I screwed up my book deal. I mostly blog at saltedlithium.com....
This entry was posted in crazy people with no pants, Entertainment, Health, Meme, Zombies. Bookmark the permalink.

16 Responses to The Zombie Meme

  1. darkentries says:

    You’re so sweet. You’re like the little boy in school who pulls the girl in fronts pigtails because he doesn’t know any other way to profess his love for her.

    I remember when my friends and I would bandy latin around at school. We thought it made us worldly and clever. It didn’t of course, but delusions are important when you have no life 😉

    Take it easy you old saltatrix tonsa

  2. Gabriel... says:

    I keep forgetting how easily you emo types bruise… and it takes an old saltatrix tonsa to know one, so when you have a moment away from draining your girlfriends bank account you’ll have to show me the insult in ‘ab abusu ad usum non valet consequentia’* which overwhelmed whatever good sense you had left…

    *”Used by legal specialists and suggests that a right should not be withheld from people because of others who abuse it.”

    Oh… wait, here’s an emoticon 😉

  3. Luckly, I’ve read the zombie survival guide.

    Weapon: AK47 (Good sized magazine, easy to dismantle, clean, and put back together (5 year old could do it), back end is a great bludgeon)

    Music: Two words: Old MacDonald

    Famous Person: The black guy who does the Allstate commercials

  4. thordora says:

    ah zombies, how I love you.

    I am Legend the movie SUCKED BALLS. Novella SOOOOOOO much better.

  5. Gabriel... says:

    Hello Finicky Penguin… AllState dude’s a great choice but I’d take him from “The Unit” — more guns, less caring about the welfare of others. I thought about the AK47… lots of killing power but it has no range. You’re right about the butt-end though, it makes a very durable club and I think you can boil it down into a tasty mash.

    Hi Thor… when I read about where they got the source material I had higher than usual hopes for a big budget movie, and it was good. In fact I thought it was excellent… right up until the chick and kid drove up. Then it just slid downhill until bottoming out with the last ten minutes. I understand that’s pretty much how Hancock runs as well.

    Hello Dark Gloom Entries… I moderated your comment and my response just before going to bed, and now there they are. I never did “bandy latin around at school”, but I’m glad you had a few moments where you felt life had some worth.

  6. aikaterine says:

    he wishes, I drain his accounts. It’s what I do. Really you two are like an old married couple.

    I am mildly annoyed that I did not get the zombie meme; in fairness though, I would not know how to answer. I would just end up doing a bunch of research on zombies to come up with the most appropriate answers. Not really the point.

  7. I guess he still qualifies as the Unit guy.

  8. alruiceis says:

    Weapon: A Hanzo samurai sword. Yes, it’s partly because I’m asian, but it’s also because I want to do zombie crowd control like the Bride handling the Crazy 88s.
    Music: Nude by Radiohead
    Person: Patton Oswalt.

  9. Gabriel... says:

    Annyong alruiceis… Patton Oswalt is an inspired choice. Anyone who has worked on both SpongeBob SquarePants and GTA: San Andreas has to be someone worth fighting zombie’s with.

    I’m starting to think I should change my song to Angel by Massive Attack…

    Geia sas Aikaterine. Not so much a married couple as two enabling addicts. I’m still not sure why GFDE went off on my choice of Latin, I thought I had picked something non-insulting… but I didn’t mean anything in my response and I know he wasn’t serious in his comment. If you want meme’s I still have a trunk load to give away.

  10. Pingback: Zombie Meme « Natalia Antonova

  11. Hey…I made you my number three.

    It really just makes sense you know!

    (nin-JAH!)

    There’s your complete (un)dead giveaway…

  12. Gabriel... says:

    Well of course that makes sense… while you’re still in pill form you need someone to flick you at the zombie’s — purr-pull ninJAH-AHTTACK!!

  13. aikaterine says:

    Hey you,

    Yes, memes are good. Feel free to send a truckload my way.

    I have stopeed trying to understand men’s fragile egos. And yes, they are fragile. The slightest little statement can get a man’s panties in a was quicker than [insert colloquialism here].

    And while some men are worse than others, it is a common affliction to most (you and DE included). I happen to think it’s cute, endearing even, I want to get you two in a room together and watch you go at one another. Maybe PA will join me.

    Seriously though, be kind to yourself. You have a lot going on with this Buck stuff. Take it slow. You know how to reach me if you need someone with some distance.

  14. aikaterine says:

    I have also stopped trying to proofread. Sorry.

  15. Hey, I forgot about yes…my even tinier nin-JAH pill form! Yes, we need your nin-JAH re-designed version of the good ol’ fashioned slingshot.

    And note to Aikaterine: watching them go at one another? Are you kidding me?! I wouldn’t miss that for the world!

    Are we talking wrestling mats, here? Any other fun items?

  16. Pingback: Zombies, right? « I am Justin’s lack of decisiveness

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