Maybe it’s the penicillin, maybe it’s the sugar levels in my blood taking a nosedive because I’m off the apple juice, whatever it is I saw a public service announcement about the evils of teen pregnancy starring Bristol Palin and her child, and it just pissed me off.

In the PSA she stands in an upscale condo, with her baby in her arms, wearing her Sunday best pearls, and she asks a series of questions as the camera tracks closer to her face. After the last question the camera pulls back and she’s wearing sloppy clothes, the condo is now a slum, and the baby is walking around with a needle hanging out of his scabby arm.

Or something. Whatever. The point is either we’re supposed to fear being poor outright, or we’re supposed to fear having sex while poor.

From start to finish the entire thirty seconds is filled with exactly the kind of hypocrisy and bullshit pop psychology Sarah Palin — her mother — preaches in front of people who think Glenn Beck is saving America.

Even the name of the campaign, “Pause Before You Play”, makes absolutely no sense… because Bristol is supposed to be selling abstinence, but Pausing *Before* Fucking, to me, means there’s a restart coming fairly quickly.

So I answered all of Bristol’s questions for her, because that’s how fucking cool I am.

1. What if I didn’t come from a famous family?

Your family is famous for being morons. Google it.

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2. What if I didn’t have all their support?

You don’t. Your mom is off trying to organize the 35% of Americans who think basic health care reform — you know, so a young mother’s baby can’t be refused health coverage — is Communism.

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3. What if I couldn’t finish my education?

You mean, like, what if ideologues hadn’t been voted into State and Federal governments who then proceeded to gut programs supporting single mothers? Ask your mom and her fellow FOX-a-maniacs about that one.

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4. What if I didn’t have all of these opportunities?

Well, I guess you’d be just like the 98% of Americans whose mommy didn’t make $12million last year talkin’ ’bout gettin’ rid of dem programs which help the people you don’t want to be.

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“Believe me, it wouldn’t be pretty.”

Fuck. You. I get it, we all get it, having babies is best done after twenty. But kids fuck, and if the only answer you and your mother have is some bullshit based on your religion… well that’s not nearly enough of an answer.

It’s not really your fault, Bristol, that your mother unwittingly raised a sex maniac. She did her job and taught you all about abstinence and chastity vows and real Family Values, and you broke her heart by going out and fucking a moron bareback because you had no idea what contraception was.

And now you’re on The View and GMA, teaching millions of teens about the shame you feel about having to raise your little mistake, and how they all should sign chastity vows and abstain from sex… because it worked in your case, so it should work in theirs.

…in other news, this year the US will start sending millions of ‘female condoms’ to Africa, in addition to the tens of millions of regular ‘dude sheaths’.

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