Merry Christmas From
If You’re Heading Home For The Holidays
You Will Need Help, So Here Are…
5 Sites Where You Can Escape From
Your Family’s Holiday Judgments:
The ‘Amazing Toothpick-Family Adventure’: Here.
It’s as mesmerizing as what we all thought “Sea Monkeys” would be like… only woodier. Remember when Dad gave you that “Sea Monkey Adventure Kit”? Remember when your Uncle laughed and laughed and laughed and nearly dropped his eighth beer when you came back into the livingroom crying after you realized the “Sea Monkeys” were just fish food in a plastic cup with all the ‘life’ of a burnt shred of paper? This is the payback year baby. E-coli for everybody…
A Brief History Of Pork In Classic Literature: Here…
One of the most intriguing aspects of having a library / reference tool of unlimited size (re: Internet) is the focus people are able to place on the most obscure facts. And by focus I mean “what your little sister used to do to ants with that magnifying glass”… man. Remember that crooked ‘Juliette Lewis in Natural Born Killers’ smile she’d get after the thirtieth ant got smoked? That was spooky. Mom says she’s on some new meds this year so…
Proof Your Sibling Decends From A Monkey: Here…
Because, seriously, he practically still has a tail. Is that drool? Look at the way he dresses… was that a dick joke? Oh my God he’s telling dick jokes in front of Granny. Now… wait… what’s he doing with that spoon? Oh for the love of…
Learn How To Play The Piano: Here.
Remember that year Mom mistakenly called your Dad “Mike”, which just happens to be the name of your next door neighbour… the one who looks so much like your brother that when you were kids you used to joke that maybe they were related? Dad remembers. In fact, that’s Dad speaking about it right now. Well… not so much ‘speaking’ as throwing empty whiskey bottles at Christmas Carollers. Hey! Check it out, it’s the cops. Something must be wrong, they’re usually here much sooner than this…
Latin: Not Just For The Dead Anymore: Here.
Can you still hear the moans of a mother without grandchildren? Focus on learning Ancient Latin for a few hours. If your family is like mine you’re going to have some time to kill until the family sits down to eat… Mom’s Seroquel-induced coma won’t wear off for at least another hour, your Little Brother is staggering around with his fist stuck in his mouth trying desperately to inhale, and your Little Sister has gone searching for a lawyer to get Dad bailed out of jail. Now’s the perfect time to lose yourself in the dead language of the medical profession and enjoy your jug of ‘Christmas EggNog’ (re: SuperSized White Russian: 12oz Vodka, 6oz Kahlua, add milk, ice and lithium to your taste. Repeat as necessary).
Bonus List: Who’s BiPolar At Your Christmas Table? Here.
Happy Something To Someone And
Loads Of Whatever To Whomever From
Whoever Wrote Something Here.
What do you mean sea monkeys aren’t real?
*eyes wide in despair like some MacCauley Caulkin impersonator*
Merry Christmas to you too.
“Nill illigitimi carborundum ”
Sea Monkeys are real, they just don’t travel well in tiny packets.
Plaudite, Plaudite, Plaudite! Amor vincit ab asino lanam!
“Three cheers! Love conquers a wooly ass!”