Ten Things I Did Last Year, Eight Things I’ve Stopped Doing This Year, Three Revelations And A Ten-Year Old Holding A Gun

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The reason I write / is to make something / as beautiful as you are. / When I’m with you / I want to be the kind of hero / I wanted to be / when I was seven years old /
a perfect man / who kills.
“The Reason I Write”, Leonard Cohen

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She sits with / tears on / her cheek / her cheek on / her hand / the child / in her lap / his nose /
pressed / to the glass.
“Young Woman At A Window”, William Carlos Williams

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Ten Things I Did In 2006…

01) I Quit smoking on January 21st, 2006, after 18-years of mostly Player’s Light Regular. I used the patch for four weeks, then willpower since then. I still feel a need for one.

02) Stopped biting my nails… who knew they were so useful when they’re allowed to grow?

03) Started speaking to people for the first time in four years… who knew they could be so useful?

04) Started walking outside again… I actually turned a browner shade of pale for the first time in a couple of years.

05) Got a new computer, I thought it was time since the last one was a 14-year old 486 running Win3.1.

06) Got hooked to the Internet and cable at home, both for the first time.

07) Erased three years worth of rewrites and research for my book while moving files from my old computer to the new one… (see number five). This was in August? Sounds right…

08) Grew a real beard for the first time… although this was done because I was so depressed my heart physically heart and I was unable to move for a couple of months (see number seven).

09) Started three blogs in an attempt to show whether I could still write… or wanted to anymore… two of them are still around. (Salted Since November 11)

10) Shaved my beard because I could finally move again. But mostly because it was Christmas and it was kind of expected I’d show up without the beard.

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Eight Things I’ve Stopped Doing So Far In 2007…

01) Started dating… kind of. And I guess this one should be “stopped not dating”.

02) Stopped dating… her anyway. Well… actually, anyone for a while. Probably for a little longer than that… she told me it was one of those “not in that way” relationships.

03) Stopped walking outside… unless I’m in need of milk or another 2L bottle of pop.

04) Stopped pretending to eat healthy, back up to 2L/day of pop again…

05) Stopped talking to people. Unless absolutely forced to.

06) Stopped answering my phone. Unless it’s late and my defences are down.

07) Stopped shaving, so I have another beard. Yay. I’m using the excuse that it’s a “Playoff Beard”, but you should probably go back and read number two. Actually… it’s probably 65 percent a Playoff Beard.

08) Started posting on Salted Lithium again. But I guess this one should really be “stopped not posting on Salted Lithium”… because I’m not sane yet (this has a little bit to do with 2007 number two, a lot more to do with 2006 number seven, and a really, really lot to do with a couple of emails I’ve received lately… which I’ll get to later).

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Three Revelations

Last Spring I Found out that while I’m on “Permanent Disability” there’s nothing the credit agency can do to force me to pay anything, so I am now free and clear to laugh at their feeble attempts to harass me.

I found out three weeks ago that I’m not sane yet (please see 2007, number eight).

Two weekends ago I moved twelve tonnes of stone and found out that I can lift, and walk with, more than 300lbs at a time. Something, apparently, I’ve done several times in the past without realizing it… weird.

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A Ten-Year Old With A Gun…

I have no idea who the kid with the gun is… but I’d listen to what his thought balloon says, he looks fucking crazy.

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...thanks.

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About Gabriel...

...diagnosed with manic depression in 1989, for the next 14-years I lived without treatment or a recovery plan. I've been homeless, one time I graduated college, I've won awards for reporting on Internet privacy issues, and a weekly humour column. In 2002 I finally hit bottom and found help. I have an 8-year old son, and a 4-year old son... I’m usually about six feet tall, and I'm pretty sure I screwed up my book deal. I mostly blog at saltedlithium.com....
This entry was posted in Bipolar, Bipolar Disease, Bipolar Disorder, crazy people with no pants, Health, Humour, Lithium, Living With Depression, Living With Manic Depression, Manic Depression, Mental Health, Salted Lists. Bookmark the permalink.

36 Responses to Ten Things I Did Last Year, Eight Things I’ve Stopped Doing This Year, Three Revelations And A Ten-Year Old Holding A Gun

  1. hymes says:

    Congratulations on quitting smoking!!!!!!!!!
    Staying off nicotine while depressed is a huge achievement. I am in truly in awe.

  2. Gabriel... says:

    Thanks so much… and thanks for coming back. My psychiatrist was really nervous about my quitting… he was worried about the added stress and potential for relapse and failure, and rightfully so.

    The first six weeks (!!) were crazy, but the patch took the edge off. The anti-depressant I’m on might have helped a little bit… it’s also marketed as a “smoking cessation treatment” but under another name — when I first gave the script to my pharmacist I had to sign a pledge stating I was using the pills to treat BiPolar… the anti-depressant version is covered by the Provincial health insurance, but the “smoking cessation treatment” version is not. Weird.

    Full disclosure: Eugene Melnyk, the dude who owns Biovail — the Canadian company which makes “both” pills — also owns the Ottawa Senators, the NHL Franchise… and my Senators sweater has its own place on my couch.

  3. leblank says:

    despite the beard, i find a lot of similarities in our 2006 vs 2007 lists.
    i’d make one too – but i’m still stuck in 2001.
    keep up the writing. it’s hard to find a consistently strong blog to come back to. i have 2 in mind. yours is one of them.

  4. Gabriel... says:

    Thanks very much. One of the weirder parts of our disease is we really do get ‘time stuck’, it’s something I’ve been experiencing recently kind of in reverse… as my recovery progresses I’m realizing that I’ve been standing still while everyone around me has been, you know, Doing Stuff. I think that’s maybe my next post.

    I hope your blog helps with your recovery, maybe writing a list about what you did back in 2001 would help. So… did you keep the beard?

  5. sisyphusledge says:

    Hi Gabriel, sorry to read that you’re back in this place again. The MD that is. You really gave me the kick up the ass I needed when I was still stuck on my road to recovery. The ideas for blog links, writing about positive stuff, made my mind open up to see different perspectives. I don’t know what I will do with my various blogs; yes, I killed off Rumbligs, but I started a whole load of other ones for writing in different moods, in different personas and that has some benefits for me. They are not linked on my SL site and I am remaining private/pseudonymous, but your different blogs inspired the thought that for me it would be useful to have different places to write. Just an experiment I guess, as I am not in a writing mood anyway at the moment. I tend to write more when I am slightly down or in a mixed manic phase. When I am well, there are just so many other practical things I want to do and if I try to write I sit looking at a blinking cursor.
    ECT and medication have only ever been the things that have worked for me. Anything else is just palliative. That said, there’s nothing wrong with palliative treatments/measures so long as they are used as well as the physical/pharmacological ones. I am writing this here because I have just read through all your recent posts on this blog and am answering in one reply – no doubt messing up your post, sorry. I do hope you’re back to [the other blog] soon.

  6. puddlejumper says:

    Hi,
    I think you are being a little hard on yourself. Okay so maybe you’re relapsing but you’re still doing pretty good as far as I can see. Plus you know yourself the sorts of things you need to be doing to pick yourself back up again.

    Maybe you want to try and eat better (less sugar) and see if that helps. I’m the same. I eat absolute junk when I’m ill but I’m getting to the stage I wonder how much is cause and how much is effect? Oily fish, fresh fruit and veg, go out for a walk. Even if you decide to ignore everyone and anyone you meet on your travels you can give yourself a pat on the back for getting some fresh air and exercise and feel good about yourself for it.

    Listen to me…like I’m some sort of an expert? Hahaha. I mean well…

    Anyhoo. I just mean take care of yourself. If I lived over there I would be popping round just now with tea and sympathy and I’d tell you funny stories about my own life to try and give you a lift.

    However, I’m over here. I’ve just watched a really funny thing on “This Morning” (daytime TV show…I’m supposed to be studying but am avoiding it and surfing net instead). Laughing my head off now watching these guys…

    So I’ve trawled youtube and there they are.

    A 3000 year old band.

    Do you think the elderly get irony?

    x

  7. Gabriel... says:

    My Scottish Tribe working together… thanks for the support. I’m not doing great, but I’m not in any danger of falling apart. There’s a BBQ this Sunday, and I’m supposed to be going to a movie with a friend on Saturday so there will be human contact. Plus there’s Dr. O tomorrow afternoon.

    And, apart from a screwup last weekend that messed up my sleeping schedule (FUCK), I’m still fully and properly medicated, and no thoughts about damaging myself… this whole thing is weird. It’s me feeling down about stuff happening around me, which may be a good thing because it might motivate me into a new phase of my recovery. Or something. I really don’t know. A couple of months ago I was starting to feel like I actually was entering a new phase. I was feeling pretty good, I was looking into the future and seeing one I kind of liked… not so much right now. I’m going to write about it soon… it’s a bit of a pain in the ass because a little bit of what I want to say may unintentionally upset a certain Queen and that’s not something I want to do. So… to recap: 1) people are doing stuff, while I’m not; 2) my financial situation has eerily, at least for another week, reverted back to what it was back in the bad old days; 3) a fairly significant relationship is over; 4) I’m pretty sure there’s a four somewhere, and; 5) where there’s four there’s usually a five.

    Now, while I have both of you together… there is this little issue about killing off blogs. No lectures, but if you want to knock off your blog in the future there is a very easy way to save all of the material — photos, responses as well as posts — to your harddrive in nice single file, where you can retrieve it again at will and import it — lock, stock and two barrels — into your new blog. So, no matter how many blogs you blow up, you can bring back the material later on. It’s actually a good (but not necessary) idea to save your blog-material to your harddrive on occasion, just as a backup. So… ahem… stopkillingyourfuckingblogs.

    Just so you know, I “time shifted” this response… it’s actually 2.30pm here in Canada Village… I really don’t think you two could have been more in synch with each other than you were this morning.

  8. leblank says:

    true, true about the stuck part. and nope, no beard – i’m a female – so unless i’m italian, it’s quite hard to maintain one.
    but if you’re referring to my man, yes, he is still around.
    but in regards to being ‘stuck’ – i think it has more to do with anger/resentment/longing for a time when i was a functioning happy healthy independent spirit.
    problems all began in june 2001, after graduating from mcgill, i went to work for a non-profit organization in west africa for the summer. took a drug called lariam to not get malaria and ended up going crazy instead. apparently it is like an LSD trip and give you flashbacks/recurring episodes for up to 10 years – even with it out of your system.

    doctors just assumed it was bipolar, didn’t listen to my rants about this drug which apparently is on the FDA top 20 most dangerous approved drugs, and then put me on about 10 different kinds of medication in a span of about a year- flip flopping around anti psychotics, mood stabilizers, anti depressants, etc. etc. and not only did they not work – but it may things much, much worse.

    it was extremely frustrating because of the fact that i used to be in (ironically?) pharmaceutical advertising and i knew first hand the dangers of some of these drugs but because i was told to ‘trust the doctors’, i finally relented and gave up my fight against more medication.

    afterwards, i essentially became a walking vegetable with very little short term memory or cognitive capabilities. i had to retrain myself to read, wash my hair, basic daily processes, and become a seemingly normal functioning member of society.
    i was the type of kid who, growing up, was never problematic, never prone to depression, never so much as took a tylenol for a headache.

    so i have a feeling most of my ‘stuckness’ stems from frustration at a system that is so quick to medicate rather than listen to the fact that maybe, just maybe, medication is not the answer for some individuals. nor is labelling as you are right, not only do you get stuck with shaking this label off of you, but everyone else defines you by this label.

    and to me, it’s not so much the label anymore- it’s now the fear of no longer having a good day, a good week – and the one thing i used to depend on so much (my mind) – is no longer the reliable friend that used to get me out of trouble, get me promotions, get me good marks. if my biggest task of the day is taking a shower or doing laundry, what kind of a life is that? what silver lining is THAT?

    oh and i love the people who say, ‘it could be worse’ like HOW, HOW the FUCK could it be worse than having a brain that does not work the way it used to? well, they say, you could have cancer. you could have a family that kicks you to the curb. it’s a very lonely existence when you have idiot pep-talkers that remind you of situations that have nothing to do with your own and cannot grasp the concept that ‘it’s all in your head’ is actually a very scary notion.

    i have a feeling that may, just may, have something to do with my stuckness…

  9. Gabriel... says:

    Lariam? As in “Somalia-lariam”? Holy fuck. Have you managed to get on disability? Lariam… I haven’t thought about Lariam in years. Jesus, it’s fantastic how far you’ve come, after a bad dose of that stuff a lot of people didn’t come back all the way. Man, I remember those poor bastards in the Airborne when no one wanted to talk about the fucking Lariam. It was everything except the drug… the Airborne culture, the Airborne mentality, the beer… and that poor fucking kid.

    (In 1992 Canadian Airborne Troops (Special Forces) were used as Peacekeepers in Somalia, which was fucking retarded. You don’t send trained killers to be traffic cops. Then they started handing out the Lariam. Back then it was still experimental, it didn’t even have a name then…the Airborne even called the day they got their Lariam dose “Psycho Tuesday”. This poor fucking Somali kid, Shidane Arone, was tortured and murdered by a Canadian soldier who had recently taken the lariam and had a few beers…)

    You’re right, “they’re” wrong, it really doesn’t get much worse than a bad trip on lariam. Was there any help from the Provincial or Federal government with your recovery? Please, tell me you didn’t have to come back from that on your own… and I’m glad it didn’t leave you with a beard. That would’ve really sucked.

  10. leblank says:

    haha. no doubt. yes, unfortunately i did plenty research AFTER i digested it. i went to ghana which, according to the organization, there were really only two options: lariam or doxyclicone. i was like, hmm….a time release once a week or a daily one? well, i hate taking pills – so i’ll just take the once a week on a monday. that was basically the extent of my decision making process. man, i regret that was the time i decided to not be a keener and trust blindly.
    i have never in my life experimented with any street drugs (pot only once or twice after the fact – thinking it was helping me cope and sleep. just made me more paranoid). so in all honesty, i can’t blame it on any of those ‘experimental ‘ times. there were none.

    and i wasn’t in a war – so no one can blame it on PTSD – which countless of government officials have done for soldiers – so i know, without a doubt, it was the lariam for me.

    actually, for the last 4 years i’ve had the google alert enabled on my gmail for ‘lariam’ – and unfortunately, there are not enough ‘red flags’ to warrant any kind of ‘class action’ suit for me to sign up for.

    and there is no way i could afford to go up against the drug manufacture. they, incidentally, were responsible for accutane as well. so we know their lawyers are top notch.

    trying to explain a cause and effect situation with a mental illness is much harder than if i started growing a third arm and that was a common side effect.

    if you google ‘taken as directed’ – there’s a documentary about it – trying to expose some kind of government conspiracy on this drug – and how essentially soldiers and peace corps volunteers are being used as guinea pigs. and you’re right – soldiers are NOT the ones you want to be giving this drug to. it literally messes with your reality like no other (i have no frame of reference – so i couldn’t compare it to anything else really, save for the fact that: imagine you think everyone is trying to kill you and your friends and family are not who they say they are. and then equip that person with a gun. good luck).

    as a result, my life has now been structured on my own terms – namely, no more than 2 cups of coffee a day, little to no alcohol (that one is hard), limited social interaction (can be too stimulating/tiring/paranoia inducing), no sugar, and trying to remember to eat every couple of hours. and sleep.

    i can’t watch television or any movies with either intricate plots or sharp editing (no frank miller 300 for me!) – and obviously no conspiracy or government things – books, movies, or otherwise. which really sucks because my family and i have always been big into film. so essentially i’m a bit in a self contained bubble of sorts.

    which i guess you can say, sucks, but it beats being strapped down in an observation room at montreal general or in the psych ward at niagara hospital. or rochester. or cam-h.

    and regarding government help, i wouldn’t know where to begin. the paranoia kicks in and out at times and i question whether i’m ready to explain anything. plus, i have yet to find a ‘professional’ who believes me.

    i picked up smoking again when i didn’t get through customs at the u.s. border to visit a friend in manhattan (back in march). that was scary. but niagara hospital was moreso.

    i feel if smoking nicotine is helping me deal with this – and i’ve cut out everything else fun – so be it. if someone wants to question my willpower – well, let’s just say – i’ll feel really sorry for the person on the other end of that intrusiveness.

    so no beard, no. i would say it’s more a 5 o’clock shadow of gloom.

  11. gloomferret says:

    Is it wrong that I enjoy this blog more than your others?
    I guess it just suits my head state more…but somehow the writing seems more, real? Probably talking bollocks…

    I quit smoking October 2004, and had a nervous breakdown a few months later…the two may not be related 😉
    Still not smoking though…i have just about got over the occasional pangs when around other people who are smoking…

  12. Gabriel... says:

    Have you thought about dedicating a part of leblank.wp to how you’ve overcome the… I don’t know what to call it… “wrong dosing”?

    Considering what you’ve been through if people are still questioning your willpower or how damaged you were I’d suggest that you’re hanging with the wrong people.

    I know how difficult it can be to convince people you’re suffering from something they can’t see or understand, but eventually there should be a time where you either just stop being around them, or you just nod your head and agree with everything they say when they pass you the pepper.

    I gave up the caffeine a long time ago… or at least I still try to. The Diet Pepsi beckons me. But the alcohol is a major one. I’ve had, maybe three beers since Christmas… which is very hard when one of your best friends owns a brewery. All of those “grocery drugs”, the caffeine, nicotine and alcohol have definite side effects and do alter the brains chemistry. Maybe not as drastically as a pharma, but definite. Although, of the three, nicotine is probably the least worrisome when it comes to brain stuff.

    I would’ve thought there’d be lots, or at least some, doctors who have treated people who have gone through what you have. I have a friend in Europe who read your comments, she says there have been more than a few medical studies done over there on Lariam. If you can find one, a doctor, I would think getting onto disability — while not easy, should be possible… I hate making assumptions.

    This is the website for the Canadian Mental Health Association: http://www.cmha.ca they exist to help people like us. It might be worth giving them a call, or checking out the website and sending an email, just to find out if there are people in Canada who have been allowed on to disability because of their bad reactions to Lariam. Something like that could get you access to specialized treatments as well.

    Have you ever had an MRI or FMRI done?

  13. Gabriel... says:

    Gloomferret… I was starting to wonder how many blogs I’d have to create before you enjoyed one. So as disappointed as I am that you don’t appreciate my [other blog], I am glad I can stop now because the next one was all about me being undressed and flashing my junk at nuns…

    I still want a cigarette when I’m writing… like now. But after a little while it goes away… nope, not yet… wait… no… okay.

  14. puddlejumper says:

    Wow. That is scary shit. The Lariam stuff. I’d never heard of it.

    As for the saved blog stuff. I do still have my back-up. I’m just trying to get away from the Bipolar stuff for a while. It was important to me at the time but I needed a bit of distance so I can find out where I figure into my life again?

    I have a friend (who is great in every other respect) apart from when we go out and she insists on introducing me as J**** -she’s Bipolar you know” like it’s some kind of exclusive club membership. It gets on my nerves a bit and last night I challenged her about it but she said, “but it makes you more interesting” I was like “NOOOOO, it doesn’t, it fucking sucks, I hate not being able to work, I hate having to take pills that fuck up my short term memory and my libido, I hate having to tick the I’m-disabled-box on forms, but somehow I have to figure out a way to fit all this into the space that was my life.” I don’t think she realised just how ill I’ve been sometimes and I think it made her see it in a new light. I know she meant well but please!!!!!

    I may resurrect puddlejumper one day. Just to keep you company and so I stop blogging on your blog 🙂

    For what it’s worth, you thought something was going between you and a certain someone. I thought there was something going on between you and a certain someone.

    And now there isn’t. Frankly, I’d be more worried if you didn’t feel at least a little bit out of sorts. I think that actually says you are recovering better than you think. Medication doesn’t make you immune from feeling shitty when sad stuff happens, nor should it. Its natural you should feel a bit down.

    But good for you, because you stuck your toe back in that big scary swimming pool. And you will do it again. I just hope it doesn’t put you off ever trying again.

    True love is indeed hard to find but so worth it when you do.

    HUGS
    x

  15. Thanks for the hugs. You can blog on any of my blogs anytime you want. What happened to that whole “NewsUK” site you had? Have you thought about writing an open blog about the stuff happening in your region? If you want to write columns for the local paper it might be a way in… write a few things, maybe get a link from their website and you can be “The Local Papers Web Reporter”.
    I fucking hate those kind of “friends”… the only ones worse are the ones who “warn” their friends beforehand then give semi-sly glances at them when you go on a little too much. I haven’t had a lot of either, but the ones I’ve had in the past didn’t stay friends for long. I can remember one night out where I thought everything was going great, my friend had brought this chick who I hadn’t met before — I thought, or had been led to believe, that it was a preliminary date thing — so the four of us were talking and having a nice time, then she leans in — and I’m thinking “all right, what’s my phone number again?” — and says something about her sister being bipolar and could I tell her all about the disease…
    So… Louise killed queenminx, yesterday I think. Too bad. I tried to stop her, at the very least she could have used it for the 50M of storage space.
    I didn’t ask my doctor one single thing I promised you and someone else I would… it was a pretty intense session, and by the end of it this masssive storm was rolling in… I had to walk about ten blocks to meet my ride. Almost got rained on.
    (I time-shifted this response… it’s actually 2.42pm on Saturday…)

  16. leblank says:

    thanks for the tip. you’re right. i should get on that and check it out.
    as for people questioning – it’s not so bad anymore. i’ve dropped a lot of people out of my life, or i should say, most gave up on me – and the ones i have around now -albeit few – are the biggest fans of mine. they are the true keepers. i believe it has a lot to do with continued sense of humour and the fact that they used to work with me in pharma and have seen me at my best and at my worst – and love me regardless. plus, they say i am pretty entertaining to have around – and the brain farts work because i have the self depracating thing down. so i guess i can’t complain too much in that department.
    i was more complaining about some of my mom’s comments – and her annoyingly ever present girlfriends – they’ve been in each other’s lives since they were 8 years old – so they ain’t go anywhere – they are the type that love to talk like they experts in every field and half the time have no idea what the hell they are saying – just love being the spotlight of attention. trust me: each one of us kids, plus most people who meet them – are like, wow, i wouldn’t last 5 minutes with this person. and i’m like, yeah – try going a vacation with all of them. and you wonder why i smoke.

    the drinking, you’re right – is awful on my mood. just awful – that, over the years, i’ve come to the realization that my limit is 3 drinks. seriously- i am the cheapest drunk around now. however, even with just one beer – i’ll nurse for 6 hours now – and that suits me just fine. plus, anything more than 2 or 3 – i have to deal with the 3 day post mood dip. and it’s just not worth it anymore.

    and thankfully, the friends i’m around are no longer ‘c’mon – shots!!!! everyone’s doing it’ – they get that i can’t do shots or drink in excess anymore. it used to go along with our industry – i think everyone had a mickey in their drawer. and i think i’ve gotten more respect from them – them seeing how much better i’ve gotten with my own restraint.

    as for the blog portion, no. i’m keeping it light and stupid. just for getting me back into the writing habit.

    i am trying to write a memoir, possibly titled ‘delariam’ (delirium? get it. yah, not sure yet) – about my journey these past 6 years – mostly my own personal account of hospitalization, the doctors, emergency visits with 10 minute diagnosis by med students, chapters with what it feels like to have these types of delusions and then return to normal, patients i’ve made friends with, nurses i still keep in touch with – it’s a passion project of mine that is on my ‘the number one thing to do before i’m 30’ list.

    i just have to go back to my grade 2 story bubble map to get a sense with how i want to lay it out and what tone it needs to be. i’m anything but linear – so i can’t imagine it would be written or read in that way.

    so in the meantime, the blog is just for fun. an outlet of stupid daily stories.

    and in the meantimes, i will take you up on that advice – and start being proactive in seeking help with this.

    ps – they’ve attempted to give an mri about 2 times – but when i was a crazy – so i never lasted – kept thinking i was getting a lobotomy and they were taking my brain. so, um, no. never a complete one (!) i should get on that now that i don’t think those thoughts. (mind you – my brain has a powerful habit of going back to ‘this looks familiar’ mode and snapping back to delirium very quickly. hmm, i should probably go with someone then…)

  17. It sounds like you’re got a really good handle on the Lariam situation…

    I have a friend who, with his father and brother, have been building a brewery in our little village. It’s been running for almost a year now and they’ve been very successful… a few years ago this would have meant me having a keg set up in the kitchen and them making biweekly deliveries to my apartment. It was nothing for me to run through a “two-four” halfway through the evening, then ask “so… where’re we going now?”. I had one of my friends beers at the Bistro down the street and I got a headache. I’ve been going without for almost three years now, and it has really helped. Alcohol dehydrates you (so does caffeine), and a lot of the anti-depressents and mood stabilizers need a refreshed and hydrated brain in order to work properly. It’s also a good idea if someone’s taking Lithium — like me — to not be out in the heat for long periods of time for the same reason.

    I still get “looks” from friends and family about the drinking thing though… I’m pretty sure half the people I know think I’m a recovering alcoholic.

    I kind of know what you mean about the MRI thing… I had a CAT scan done when I broke my neck back in 2000 and… I’m not generally claustrophobic, but having to be perfectly still while that thing hummed around me was starting to freak me out by the end of the session

    Like I said, it sounds like you’ve got a decent handle on what’s going on… with time the “Sane Brain” has time to learn how to overrule the “Not Sane Brain”.

    (Hi… I time-shifted this response… it’s actually 2.59pm on Saturday…)

  18. Thanks for the email update Sisyphus, and you can barge in wherever and whenever you want… and, for the next couple of weeks, I’m leaving “senators in six.” as my nom de blogge.

    (time shifted… this is kind of cool)

  19. sisyphusledge says:

    Quick comment-sorry to barge in- FTS/Salted, I have just updated my email, you should get it with this comment hopefully. Delete comment if you wish, just letting you know so you can email stuff wot isn’t blog friendly (you know like asking whether Canadians eat Beaver….I’ll never live that one down. 😉

  20. Honestly, if the top WP blog (500,000 hits/day) is about cute cats and bad spelling, I think the Nun / Junk blog would probably work… at least until I was arrested. There is / will be plenty of gloom here, so feel free to stock up… I’ve had the same (basically) concentration issues, the [other blog] thing has helped. Writing the pieces helps me focus on one thing for a little while… of course it can take a week to write something it used to take me an hour to write, but even knowing that is giving me a benchmark to work from.

    (Time shifted… I wonder how far back they’ll let me go… maybe I can blog about knowing Socrates)

  21. gloomferret says:

    Ha! Very good.
    Not a lack of interestingness on your part…just my brain having poor concentration skills a lot of the time.
    I would read the nun blog though.
    I am a gloomferret, I feed on gloom. Cheery banter about famous canadians and hockey is like mwah mwah mwahhh to me 😉

  22. leblank says:

    btw, finally saw my gp – she’s setting up an mri. but this time i told her to feel free to prescribe whatever will knock me out for the duration of the mri. she laughed.
    she’s recommending me to some headcase specialist (no pun intended?) at sunnybrook who deals with unique head cases.
    so, today was a very hopeful awesome day. just thought i’d let you know. it’s been a first in awhile
    cool.
    i gotta attempt to sleep now – head is killing me.
    later gaters.

  23. Sunnybrook… in Toronto? That’s a good hospital. I’m glad you had an awesome day, we all need more of those.

    Just a quick note to you, Sisyphus, Puddle and Ferret… I was out for a couple of days so I “time shifted” some responses to notes you all left here.

  24. puddlejumpe says:

    Okay. I’m all confused now what with you changing your name and messing around with time.

    Who do you think you are? Doctor Who or something? 🙂

    Not a bad idea with the local blog though… I may put some though into that…thanks

    x

  25. I was going to make a Tardis joke when I was doing the timeshifting but my brain’s a little fried from working outside this morning. You like the new name? It’s only until the playoffs (NHL… hockey… ice hockey) finish. I was going to change the avatar to a Senators logo as well, but I figured I’d have to make too many explanations…

  26. puddlejumper says:

    ….some thought (with a T at the end) even! And get myself a proof reader ha!

  27. gloomferret says:

    working. outside?
    cripes.
    You will get some of that fabled ‘cure-all’ exercise and accidentally cure yourself, and then where will you be? Forced to join the real world with those normal people who talk about last nights TV and american idol (insert localised version of reality famewhore crap here)
    I am going to be bumming around Maine from next thursday in my exciting first ever visit to the states. I may even cross over into the land of the erm, whatever Canada is the land of.
    [edited by request: insert random Canadian city name here].
    May. I probably won’t as there should be enough to hold my interest in Maine. I am tempted to do it just to have visited Canada though. And to check out the border security. Maybe stop short of the border, and sneak across country on foot. Then stroll back through the checkpoint and say i went through hours ago and nobody was there.
    I can’t imagine getting that bored though.
    I am looking forward to the junk food though. I live in Wales. We have no decent junk here, its all fecking fresh free range organic wholesome locally produced crap. Tastes great. Whats up with that?
    I need some greasy fried grease with grease sauce. Taco Bell. Pancakes with bacon and maple syrup. Great lardy tubs of ice cream. Sodas the size of a small ship. Not chocolate though. Americans are rubbish at chocolate.
    Not sure what canadian chocolate is like. Do they have their own kind of chocolate?

  28. Why would you chose Maine as your first excursion into America? Nice place, kind of a Canada with no health care…
    …true story, way back in the day there was a dispute about the North Eastern (Maine) boundary between Canada and America — actually there were a bunch of them but this one was leading to a more “explosive” means of settlement — so the King of the Netherlands (no shit) was brought in as an arbiter and the whole thing was wrapped up in 1829. We got more than the Americans wanted to give, but we got less than we were supposed to… apparently our “negotiating team” spent most of the time drunk.
    When I was a kid a group of us used to go on “bike-hikes” through Vermont, New Hampshire and Maine, roughly 500 miles. Very nice piece of the world. When we’d enter into the States the American Customs guys always had large sidearms, there were shotguns and assault rifles in the guard building… they always seemed angry. I went in to refill my water bottle once and there were rows of monitors, they must have had fifty or 100 video cameras in the woods surrounding the town. When we came back into Canada we had to ring a buzzer at the Customs office then a guy carrying a cup of coffee would eventually come out, ask us where we had gone, chat for a few minutes then wave us through… back then the Canadian Customs Building actually closed at 10pm. The border stayed open, but there were no guards on duty.
    I haven’t been across in a while, but I don’t think it’d be a good idea to be sneeking across the border right about now… they’re starting to hand out guns to Canadian Customs agents.
    As for chocolate… yeah, I guess there’s Canadian chocolate… the “store brand” chocolate I think you’re talking about has paraffin wax added to it, which — I don’t think — most Euro Chocolate doesn’t have. But any specialty store here would have chocolate on par with anything the Swiss or whomever can make… I mean, they’re Swiss, right? How hard could it be?
    And if you’re in Maine it’d be easier for you to get into Quebec City, Montreal or Ottawa than [edited by request: insert random Canadian city name here]. Going to [ditto] from Maine would be like driving from Cardiff to Inverness… maybe Glasgow.

  29. Clare says:

    Hey.

    Just wanted to let you know I am still here. I have an appointment with my “psychiatric caregiver” Tuesday.

    I really relate to this entry and to many of the responses but my mind is too lazy to process and reply sensibly.

    I will say that I have been increasingly anxious to the point of the anxiety stopping my days successively. This will be the first thing I mention to my Dr. Tuesday.

    My life has been very jarred lately. My father is in the hospital and there is much uncertainty with “lifethings” that act as anchors for me.

    Keep writing here, G.

  30. gloomferret says:

    “Why would you chose Maine as your first excursion into America?”
    Er. Thats a story.
    You know how it goes.
    As for ‘entering’ Canada…[edited by request: insert random Canadian city name here] would be my destination so I can go play with PA!
    Surely putting wax in chocolate is a sin?
    Also, perhaps you don’t care, but you’re bipolar, so you probably do, even on a minor, niggling level, I haven’t blogrolled you because I update my blogroll very infrequently, and i have been avoiding my blog because i would feel pressured to write something then, and I don’t want to write anything at the moment because life is far too confusing.
    Erm, but I have your rss live boomarked in firefox…which is like an anonymous blogrolling, only better cos I don’t even have to visit you to see if you’ve posted. I’m lazy like that.

  31. Thanks for the bookmark, I appreciate it. One thing (of many) that I’ve learned in my seven months of blogging on WP is not to worry about other peoples blogrolls. My blogroll is a place for blogs that I enjoy and that other people may enjoy. The RSS thing is more personal. If either was a status thing we’d all have that cat site with the stupid spelling mistakes and Scoble in there.

  32. gloomy you bugger! No one knows where fucking PA is from! Jesus Christ on a flaming pogo stick!
    Oh fuck it all to hell now…well, I guess all the readers here will know…so yes, confirmation that [edited by request: insert random Canadian city and hospital name here]…why yes it is! And PA had her first bloody inpatient experience there!
    And Sis, if you ever come back to read this…HA! Do Canadians eat beaver??? Oh you’re kidding me… Oh dear, you must have gotten razzed for that big time…
    Note to gloomy: don’t worry about it…don’t get yourself all worked up…it was a slip. My anonymity is just slowly fading away…maybe it is time to post a pic…
    Wait a minute. Now don’t you even think about it on your blog or I’ll head directly over to Lampy and there WILL be bloodshed. There’ll be a dead ferret, mark my words!
    Two can play at that game you know…

  33. Did you two want some editing done to these comments?

  34. Actually, thanks senator…that might be a good idea for those who haven’t read it yet? But time has passed so I don’t know if you’ve had enough/that much traffic?

    If you want to blank out the city info then that is fine but like I said, it may not matter as people have already come by and seen the comments?

    But thanks for thinking of me!

    PA

  35. Thanks senator…

    PA

  36. Pingback: My Thanks To You On The First Anniversary Of Salted Lithium… YAY YOU. « …salted lithium.

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