“Blowjob Girl”; ‘derrick comedy‘
“no, no… that’s the opposite of what is good…”
“For the record, boys [and girls], oral sex is sex, and while it’s low-risk for HIV, oral sex can leave you with a nasty case of gonorrhea, herpes, warts, and stank-face. Unlike the Feds, I’m not telling you this to scare you, nor do I believe you should wait to have sex until you’re married. (If I had to wait until I were legally married to have sex, I’d never get to have sex at all.) I’m only telling you to be careful out there, okay?”
“Head Help“, Dan Savage (December 28, 2000)
I just added this to make this look like a semi-respectable post.
“I’ve always known that it was common for girls to find the penis icky – it grows, it shrinks, it waves hello, it shoots things in your eye – but I haven’t heard about many guys who don’t like going down on a girl. What the fuck is this shit? I’m going to be honest. That’s a deal-breaker for me. But don’t take my opinion too seriously, because I’m kind of a huge bitch when there’s something important like an orgasm on the line.”
“It’s My Cooch, Not a Venus Fly Trap”;
The Over-Educated Nympho (June 24, 2007)
Other Things That Are The Opposite Of What Is Good:
1. Slow Torrent Downloads: God dammit I want my freaking illegally attained crap now, not seventeen hours from now, now. I’m paying for 10M/second service so what the fuck is with this 124kb/s download speed shit? Actually I just started doing it a couple of days ago, so I really don’t know shit about shit. I downloaded a three CD Grunge Retrospective… it took fifteen minutes and the entire time I was thinking “what the fuck is taking so long?” and “that’s it, my computer is going to melt from the eight thousand viruses jammed into my machine by the computer arm of the Chinese Military. Fucking Maoists.” I spent close to four years straight doing nothing but reporting on Internet copyright and privacy issues.Yesterday I downloaded 36 hours of music in less than 90 minutes. I’d feel a whole lot more dirty if I hadn’t just finished listening to “Bitches Brew” by Miles Freaking Davis.
2. Kissing Before Brushing: I don’t get people who don’t get this. Seriously, hands and feet only until you’ve brushed.
3. Blogs With PopUps: I know where the fucking box-stores are, and I’ve mastered Google. If I want to buy something I’ve got all the bases already covered. And Google Ads suck as well. If I need to send a money order I have no problem walking to the post office or bank, and what the fuck is with those flashing ads for emoticons?
4. Sweaty Oral Sex: honest to God, if someone’s eating out at a restaurant they don’t rub the Lemon Chicken under their armpit first. I’m just saying.
5. Getting Arrested In GTA: very little is the opposite of what is good more than spreading mayhem and destruction on GTA for an hour then getting busted in a totally lame way, like getting smacked off my motorcycle by an FBI vehicle and landing at the feet of a cop. At least give me a chance to get up and stab him in the throat.
6. Sex In Chlorinated Water: two words: “totally no lubrication”. I just downloaded the entire career of Elvis Presley. Elvis. Presley. Suspicious Minds. King Creole. Whoops… and there’s the Best Of The Flaming Lips.
7. Backseat Sex: great place to start, lousy place to do anything else. Except for the lack of head room limousines aren’t too bad, but Limo’s with chlorinated hot-tubs are completely the opposite of good. Wanna know what else is cool about Limo’s? Playing the latest from The White Stripes really, really loud. All I’m missing right now is the Limo. That’s right, now I’ve got Icky Thump. Wow… okay, now it’s just getting silly.
8. Phone Sex: seriously… really. It’s awkward and silly. What am I wearing? Three quarts of ketchup, the empty carcass of a teddy bear and there’s an 8×10 glossy photo of my mom at the beach hanging from my pubes. I like to see what I’m having sex with. Call me old fashioned. Being on the phone while having sex can be pretty cool though. Unless someone’s telling you your grandfather just died… that’s a boner killer.
9. Anything About Anna Nicole Smith: Jesus fucking Christ, what a total fucking trainwreck. Fuck Paris and her Celebutard BritLindNicKrew, they wanted what they got, but Anna… Jesus. And in thirteen years her kid gets to watch it all in syndication. And now I’ve got Lauryn Hill… I think maybe I’ll just send my next disability cheque straight to a random record producer. Whoops, there’s The Strokes “Is This It”… holy crap “Last Nite” rocks.
10. Dark Blog Themes: the dark themes for blogs are, for the most part, the most irritating thing I encounter while blogging. I can handle the spelling mistakes, badly formatted photographs, flashing .gifs and even the lunatic ravings of a total fucking nutbar. But a dark theme… they’re not an outward expression of the inner turmoil in your conflicted existence, they’re nearly impossible to read and they never look half as cool as the people who use them think they do. Ever wonder why magazines and newspapers don’t publish in six-point white sans-serif font on a black page? Because most of the people involved in designing newspapers and magazines aren’t insane. There… I finally said it. I’ve been holding that in for eight months… just because you’re depressed doesn’t mean you have to surround yourself with depressing things.
11. Russian Hockey Referees: it’s like the Russian Hockey Federation is still run by the CCCP and the only referees they send to international tournaments are automatons with the reasoning capacity of a concussed bunny (for the past couple of weeks Team Canada have been playing Team Nyet Nyet Soviet in an eight game junior hockey “Super Series”, we’re kicking their Commie asses six games to nada. Tonight’s game seven and so far the Red Refs seem more interested in blowing the collective penises of Team Gulag rather than refereeing the game… did you like the way I just wrapped that up? Start with the Oral Sex, finish with the Oral Sex.).
…since november fourteenth, 2006.
“You burn things when there’s no going back. How much of
yourself have you had to burn away to be
the person you are today? Because baby, my body
is ash and my mind is still smoking.”
Curiously, I woke up this morning thinking exactly the same thing about my blog theme and I’d just changed it when I read your post. I am still wending my way through this whole CSS shebang in an attempt to try and get mine looking how I want it to look. I am a secret fontgeek and have a horror of sans-serif fonts, as a rule. But yes, the white-on-black has gone, and I feel so much cleaner for it!
That is absolutely hilarious.
Tempest, I am a web developer. What do you want it to look like?
If you have a jpg of the design, I can rip the css for it.
*sigh* I remember the days when I had broadband. Unfortunately, at that time the connection was shared with the Welshman whose spare room I was renting and he always maxed out the connection downloading fucking Genesis albums, so it always took me ages to get anything. That, and the foot-thick brick walls of the 19th century house made the wi-fi randomly cut out every so often.
Pop-ups on websites are always annoying, but I have a particular hatred of the external link-preview pop-ups that WordPress added as default a few months back (although I never see them, because I blocked the site’s script via a Firefox add-on). I don’t particularly care what a site looks like. That’s never going to be a factor I take into consideration when clicking on a link. I’m one of those people who randomly highlight sentences while reading websites, so random things blocking the screen are hugely distracting.
Oh, and to jump in on the fonts issue, too: Anyone who wants to call themselves a fontgeek will, of course, be aware of the ergonomics of serif vs. sans serif fonts. There’s plenty of usability studies that show that for reading from a monitor, sans-serif fonts out-perform serif fonts significantly, particularly at smaller sizes. This, of course, does not apply if the font in question is comic sans.
comic sans must die.
And sweaty oral sex. Thanks for that. I’m about to eat dinner.
And jeez, someone get Gabe a hooker already. 🙂
holy god, what a funny post!
Great post… I use to run Google ads just to see what they would associate with my blog. It was funny when I would post something when I was in a bad mood and I would get ads for solving PMS problems. I should have really posted more about that but I found it was more for personal enjoyment then really trying to sell anything.
And damnit I like my blog being dark if I want it, not because I’m constantly depressed but because I really like dark colors. Maybe the next time I change mine I will do a black blog with black font and the only way that it will be able to be read it is if you highlight the text.
That would be grand wouldn’t it? But I’ll be nice and throw up some gifs of monkey having sex and throwing poo just to distract the readers from the real point of the blog.
Heh. That video is the opposite of what not funny is. Awesome.
Just so you all know, this was a test and it turns out you’re all perverts. Your certificates are in the mail.