A Whole Bunch Of Stuff I Learnt At God Camp…
Part One: Have An Arsenal

Instead of simply filling a balloon with water which, after some time will dry and hardly cause any scars whatsoever, go halfway with the water. Then reach for the shaving cream, this is what’s called a Level One Response. You want something with a lemon-lime smell, put as much of it into the balloon as you can and give it a bit of a mix.

You can go directly after the person you wish to target, if you’re a pussy. If you’ve got stones, however, you walk into their cabin while they’re out looking for you and dump the whole mess into their suitcase. Or into their sleeping bag. It smells like pee. Honestly, you could probably use a large jug but then it’s just anger and hate. With a balloon it’s funny and rakish.

Level Two is replacing the water with root beer.

Level Three is replacing the shaving cream with Neet, Veet, Nair or any liquid or gelled hair remover. To use this one properly you have to get close to the person, so be prepared to be soaked. But seeing the bald spots the next day is totally worth it. I have only seen the Neet bomb used successfully on one occasion, but after having three Level Two’s performed by a girl using a coffee can and not a balloon against the sweater my aunt knitted me, I did prepare one and chased her around the Mess Hall… but after I caught her I let her go.

If you’ve reached Level Four then all bets are off. I’ve seen kids hit with bombs made from Coke and white glue. You need something thick and gooey enough so it’ll stick, but watery enough it’ll break on contact. But stay away from things like liquid cement or rubber glue… unless absolutely necessary. Like the Soviet backed Cubans invade and Patrick Swayze says it’s okay.

Then there’s the shaving cream grenade. I’ve only done this once, and I’ve only seen it done successfully a couple of times. It’s very tricky. Take a can of shaving cream, pierce something like a steel tack into the side of the can. Keep your thumb over the tack until you open the cabin door and toss it in. Hopefully whatever you put into the can will, on hitting the floor, pop out. The aerosol and shaving cream should spray out in every direction for a good ten seconds. Again, lemon-lime shaving cream eventually smells like pee.

If this goes wrong, however, you will end up with a can of shaving cream exploding in your face. So maybe get your son or daughter to work the kinks out first.

I didn’t pick this up at camp, but writing about shaving cream grenades reminded me of something I learned from the An@rchists Cookb00k…

Cut a one inch slice into a tennis ball and insert a small piece of rough sandpaper. Cut the heads off about 200 wooden ‘strike anywhere’ matches. Fill the tennis ball. Throw tennis ball at target. Repeat as necessary.

When you’re stuffing the ball with the match heads a smaller hand definitely works better, so get your kids, or your neighbours kids, to work on that part. Plus, if anything goes wrong, they’ll probably be too young to go to jail. Remember, it’s vital to teach your kids to never snitch on daddy.

Next time I’ll post a photo of me at camp. For a few years I was a camper, then I counselled there when I was seventeen. Which made me a whole year older than a third of the campers, and the worst Bible teacher any of them ever had.

I was almost kicked out of camp once because I was dating one of the kitchen staff, but there was only like a day or two left. As a counsellor, however, I was kicked out of camp a bunch of times, all for really stupid reasons.

One of the funniest was because my ‘camp name’ was Dove. Some of the younger girl campers made up a song about me and “I saw [their counsellor’s name] showering with Dove” was the chorus. That got me kicked out for almost an hour. I was packing when the Camp Director finally figured it out. Man… I was such a badass.

.

Next Time: 3am Make-Out Sessions And Total Blasphemy

.

.