The pharmacy has screwed up my two last Wellbutrin refills, so I’ve only been getting two-thirds of my regular dose for the past six weeks.
Or else my psychiatrist called in the wrong dose when he renewed my prescription. Either way, I think I’ve figured out why I’ve been so fucking run down lately.
I’ve been blaming it on the heat and humidity, but I’ve been uncomfortable with my self-diagnosis because it was only unbearably hot for a couple of days and nights — which, for me, starts at 26C, but gets really bad over 30C.
Just getting off the couch has been difficult, but when I’m walking I kind of feel as though I’m collapsing in on myself. Like, my shoulders are folding towards my chest so maybe I should just lay down for a little while.
I get very quiet at low doses, deliberate would be a good word. I also stop writing. Which would explain why this month has been my lowest word count in three years, both on the blogs and in the notebook.
And when I’m not writing in my notebook, or on the blogs, I end up writing in my head…
So I just realized I haven’t written anything about the kittens living on my balcony for the past two months. My girlfriend kind of adopted a stray, which very quickly got knocked up by my girlfriends tomcat. We figured that out when we came home and found four kittens in her shed.
My girlfriend wanted to take them to the SPCA pretty much right away, but I wanted to make sure they had at least a shot at healthy life. So I kind of adopted them.
I haven’t had a pet since I left home. I move around too much, and most of the rooming houses I’ve lived in had “no pet” policies. So I have no idea what “cat behaviour” is supposed to be, what’s unusual or what’s expected — my parents have cats, but they mostly just breathe.
So watching the family unit operate has been fascinating. Someone told me it’s unusual for the daddy-cat to hang around, but this one takes an active part in parenting. He sleeps with the kittens, he hangs around when their mother is feeding them… he’s a wide-faced, muscular orange cat with a beat-up face and orange eyes.
I don’t like anthropomorphizing animals, but he looks patient when the kittens — all female — are harassing him.
Their mother is a small, quiet, almost entirely grey tabby. She brings at least one mouse or mole to her kittens everyday. So now I have a little collection of bones on the ground below my balcony. I’ve never seen a cat nurse kittens while standing up, but I’ll check on them in the morning before I go to bed, and there she’ll be, standing up with four kittens attached to her belly.
She looks patient as well.
It’s crazy how attached I am to them all. I’ve set up a space for them by attaching chicken-wire to the balcony posts, so they can climb over my futon and chairs. Their main playthings are the empty beer bottles I’ve been storing out there. So when they’re playing it sounds like a tavern where everyone is toasting something.
I really like just standing in there while they play fight with each other.
We always knew we couldn’t keep them, of course, and we’re finally taking them to the SPCA at noon today (Thursday). But I tried to get them homes on my own. I made posters with a photo of them, and plastered it all over town. But around here cats, especially kittens, are like sand in Daytona. Every farm has a colony of cats in the barns. One person told me they just had four cats drop a litter each, so they have sixteen new kittens to deal with.
I asked if she wanted to make it an even twenty.
I think I’m adopting one of the kittens. Of the four, two are blond and two are black and white tabbies. But one of the tabbies has orange streaks, and instead of white her fur is a light orange. With the grey she almost has a purple tinge to her.
For the past couple of weeks I’ve been calling her “Tab Two”. Someone emailed about the kittens, and wanted to see photos. So when I archived them I gave the cats names… Blondie, after Clint Eastwood’s character in “The Good, The Bad and The Ugly”; Tuco, “The Ugly” part of the same movie… because she has an eye infection; Lilly, which was named by my girlfriend’s son, and; Tab Two, because she was the second tabby to be archived.
I would have gone with “Angel Eyes” — “The Bad” dude — but it seemed too… sentimental.
I’m still not really sure. I can barely — barely — take care of myself. But mostly, I think I just don’t want to fuck it up. And the idea of having something in my life with emotions, something requiring my attention… having something like that in your life, it’s a drain. It’s a black hole for your emotions. You can almost see the light flowing from one to the other.
It’s something I would have to automatically care about, twenty-four hours a day… and I can’t even do that for myself.
All of which goes to show how ready I am to have a child in my life.
I’ll probably keep the cat.
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...salted lithium. 
Thankfully, Cats are less work requirement than dogs. You need to remember to feed it dry food every 2-3 days if you put a big bowl down and let her graze, and to scoop the litter twice a week.
.. given that we have 3 kids, and 4 cats, I feel qualified to say the cats are much easier, keep me awake less (though can be demanding of 4am snuggles) and aren’t nearly as expensive to feed and clothe. However, like a child, a cat is a 20 year attachment if acquired as a kitten.
“Tab-tab” is a cute name too.
It’s hard in this fucking humidity to know what’s what-but damn it’s scary to think of them screwing with that! Fuck….
I spent most of my pregnancy with Vivian wondering if I could do it-staring at the enormity of it, and wondering why me, how I could move past my life and raise an awesome person. Somehow, the same principles apply between cats and bebes-give them a clean place to poo, food in their bellies, scratches behind the ear and hugs.
Being a little worried is normal, and frankly, I’d be concerned if you weren’t.
Cats don’t talk incessantly from the minute you wake up to the minute you pass out however. Big plus for the cats. 😀
Cats are easy. They’re super independent. Put food down when it’s empty. They don’t, like dogs, eat until their belly explodes but to satiation. They require so little attention compared to dogs. A cat purr on your belly is medicine for any emotional breakdown I’ve ever had.
I would beg you to get the cat “fixed” to help prevent more homeless animals in this world. Are you allowing her to be inside-outside? Any cats I have seen that are kept inside are a bit crazy(just my experience). Please don’t declaw…..extremely inhumane in that it is very painful and if said cat got loose, would have absolutely zero protection against dogs.
Tom’s have wide faces because they grow extra cartilage (sp?) around their eyes to protect them b/c they fight so much. I have NEVER seen a Tom react that way toward their brood; quite interesting.
Daytona has increasingly less sand. Every time there is a hurricane the beach erodes, quite dramatically in recent years.
You’ll be a great dad.
I’m pretty sure it’s the phucking pharmacy… I don’t know why, but the PH thing is amusing me today.
They screw up a lot there, but mostly it’s just relatively harmless small town stuff… like, putting the wrong timing on the label, so instead of “Take At Bedtime” it’ll say “Take At Supper Time”. Or take three pills in morning, four at bedtime, instead of four and three.
Mostly I put up with it because it’s ten seconds from my apartment, and the only alternatives are a town away. Which would mean a $50 round trip cab ride.
Plus I kind of have a crush on the pharmacists’ assistant.
I just spoke to them, and they’re claiming I’ve been on my current/wrong dosage since last year, but I know that’s bullshit.
My psychiatrist did give them the wrong dose at some point, but we fixed it a long time ago… so I’m thinking they’re referring back to that prescription.
I just called my psychiatrist and left a message. I think he’s on vacation, but he’s pretty good at checking messages.
…and, ten minutes later, he called me back. He’s calling the pharmacy now to change the prescription. So there you go.
I also just bought kitty-litter and cat food. I kept the kitten. We brought the other three kittens, their mother and (surprise) my girlfriend also gave up Leo, her cat which fathered the kittens.
I got a little emotional, which was also a surprise. I think Leo was equally surprised at being taken into the back of the SPCA.
Overall, it’s been a strange little day.
My little kitten will be “fixed”, and probably won’t be allowed to go too far into the outside world. At least not for a while. She can still fit into my hand, and there are raccoons, skunks, porcupines and the occasional stray dog and cat around.
I hope you enjoy having the kitten. I have always found my cat to be very easy to look after. Hannah X
You’re going to be an excellent cat keeper Gabriel. I hope the other kittens and cats get good homes too.
Like Thordora said, it’s perfectly normal to question your parenting ability. I worried about that for the full nine months. What if I didn’t have what it takes to be a good parent? What if I didn’t feel what I was supposed to feel? What if I didn’t even like being a parent? I think every good parent worries they’re not up to the task.
After he was born, I discovered that the love one feels for one’s child is an awesome and powerful thing. It’ll get you through just about anything – colic, teething, earaches, tantrums, toilet training, teens years, anything. It won’t always be easy, but you can do it. (And there will be times when it’s the easiest, most natural, most joyful thing you’ve ever done.)
Just remember to take good care of yourself so you can take good care of your family.
ahhh…. change and growth and evolution. i’m not a fan of it either. and it’s humid here. which i hate. it’s like another layer of skin. totally annoying.
i’m glad you got your prescription figured out. i love when things can be fixed with a phone call.
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