Team Xenu Lands In Haiti To Offer Quake Victims Touch Therapy And eMeter Readings

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“Every day in the daily papers one discovers people who have been victimized… [The Scientologist] should enter the presence of the person and give a nominal assist, leave his card which says where church services are held with the statement that a much fuller recovery is possible by coming to free services… Handling the press he should simply say that it is a mission of the church to assist those in need.”
L. Ron Hubbard, King Scientologist; February, 1956 — as reported in The Independent


“Casualty contact is very old, is almost never tried and is almost always roaringly (sic) successful… This is a pretty routine drill really. You get permission to visit. You go in and give patients a cheery smile. You want to know if you can do anything for them, you give them a card and tell them to come around to your group… Your statement, ‘the modern scientific church can cure things like that. Come around and see’ will work. It’s straight recruiting!”
L. Ron Hubbard, Worst Sci-Fi Writer Ever; September, 1959 — as reported in The Independent


Pronunciation: \’va-kyə-wəs\
Function: adjective
1 : emptied of or lacking content
2 : marked by lack of ideas or intelligence


Two weeks after a massive 7.0 earthquake destroyed whatever was left of Haiti’s cities, Scientology has set up specialized aid stations offering their own unique brand of disaster assistance.

According to reports there are currently 150 Scientology volunteers in Haiti, as well as 250 medical staff. Mostly American, these volunteers are called Scientology Volunteer Ministers, and have responded to a request from a Scientology Volunteer Ministers Disaster Response Coordinator to join the team in Haiti. According to a report in The Independent newspaper, the cult “hopes to have 400 of each in place.”

Scientology has also responded to disasters around the world, including after the recent earthquake in Sumatra, Indonesia. The cult has several bizarre methods of treating survivors who have been traumatized by earthquakes, tsunami’s, Katrina and even man made disasters like the events of September 11, 2001.

These include “touch assist”, during which a “properly trained” Scientologist touches the effected person repeatedly near their injury while letting the person know what’s going on. There’s also the “nerve assist” which, according to their literature, involves the properly trained therapist stroking the upper body, legs and arms with their index fingers to release “standing waves in the nerve channels of the body, improving communication with the body and bringing the being relief”.

My personal favourite is the “Locational Assist” where a “properly trained therapist” points at an object while telling the effected person what the object is… then repeat as necessary.

This is the official procedure, straight from Scientology headquarters, on how to perform a “Locational Assist”:


1. Tell the person you are going to do a Locational Assist and briefly explain the procedure.

2. Tell him the command to be used and ensure he understands it. The command is “Look at that (object).”

3. Point to an object and tell the person, “Look at that (object).”

4. When the person has done so, acknowledge him.

5. Continue giving the command, directing the person’s attention to different objects in the environment. Be sure to acknowledge the person each time after he has complied.

For instance, you say, “Look at that tree.” “Thank you.” “Look at that building.” “Good.” “Look at that street.” “All right.” “Look at that lawn.” “Very good.” You point each time to the object.

6. Keep this up until the person has good indicators and a cognition. You can end the assist at this point. Tell the person, “End of assist.”


This example of “Locational Assist” is taken straight from the Scientology sanctioned blog of a Scientology Volunteer Minister who was in Sumatra treating survivors:


“…rescue workers found a child who had been buried under debris for two days. Her body was a mass of bruises and open wounds, broken bones and gangrene. Frantic, she didn’t know where she was; she thought she was still trapped in the rubble.

The Scientology Volunteer Ministers realized the child needed a Locational Assist. Shock tends to rivet a person’s attention in past painful or distressing incidents. Locational Assists help orient a person in his or her current environment so the relief trauma victims can experience from this kind of assist is often quite dramatic.

The little girl soon realized where she was, but her pain was so intense she was still beside herself. The Volunteer Minister continued to help her for several hours, giving her various Scientology Assists, procedures which have come to be known as “spiritual first-aid.”

Gradually, the little girl began to relax. She stopped screaming and flailing and she finally drifted off to sleep — her first sleep since she was rescued and probably since the earthquake struck.

Promising to return the following day, the Scientology Volunteer Ministers took their leave at the end of a grueling (sic) but rewarding day.”


So we can all rest a little easier because tonight, somewhere in Haiti, a tiny battered, bruised and gangrenous girl is being told by properly trained Scientologists to “look at that lawn”… and the cultists will absolutely believe they’re helping her heal.

In fact, the Independent Newspaper found a French Scientologist in Haiti performing “Touch Therapy” on a Haitian man whose leg had been amputated. Asked what she was doing the woman replied she was using “the power of touch to reconnect nervous systems… . We are trained as volunteer ministers, we use a process called ‘assist’ to follow the nervous system to reconnect the main points.”

The Haitian man, when asked, believed Scientology was a “French charity.”

Responding to disasters, even if it’s only to have a photo taken with a banner reading “Scientology Was Here”, has been a part of Scientology’s long term expansion strategy since L. Ron was still a breathing, drunken sex fiend.


They performed “purification rundowns” on recovery workers sifting through the ruins of the World Trade Center after 9/11, administered “touch assists” to victims of the tsunami, distributed literature after the Virginia Tech shooting, and are on the ground in Haiti right now warning the starving, dehydrated populace about the dangers of psychiatry.


On January 26, in a bizarre move, Scientology had one of their highest profile members, John Travolta, fly his personal jet to Haiti’s only functional airport with 7,000lbs of medical supplies. According to reports there are at least 800 planes from around the world, including those of respected relief organizations like Médecins Sans Frontières, waiting for clearances to bring supplies to Haiti.

In keeping with L. Ron’s “Casualty Contact” doctrine, Travolta’s arrival in the shattered country was, of course, captured by Scientology PR officials and reported around the world… although, in the straight press at least, mostly as a “WTF?!” story.




About Gabriel...

...diagnosed with manic depression when I was nineteen, for the next 14-years I lived without treatment or a recovery plan. I've been homeless, one time I graduated college, I've won awards for reporting on Internet privacy issues, and a weekly humour column. In 2002 I finally hit bottom and found help. It's now 2022, and I have an 8-year old son, and a 12-year old son... I’m usually about six feet tall, and I'm pretty sure I screwed up my book deal. I mostly blog at
This entry was posted in crazy people with no pants, Health, Living With Depression, Living With Manic Depression, Mental Health, Scientology. Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Team Xenu Lands In Haiti To Offer Quake Victims Touch Therapy And eMeter Readings

  1. Lili says:

    This makes me want to scream! A-holes. No other word for them.

  2. bromac says:


  3. Gabriel... says:

    I know. It’s insane. While I was looking through links for this stuff I also found out the Co$ has set up shop and is spending wads of cash in desperately poor countries all over Africa and South East Asia, looking for recruits who can then be converted into a workforce to look after building the mother ship. Or something. I think I’ll write something about this later on…

  4. Whoa. I’ve read about Scientology, but this is beyond craziness and frightening.

  5. Soire says:

    Super creepy :/ I would not want them touching me!!

  6. Pingback: Tweets that mention Team Xenu Lands In Haiti To Offer Quake Victims Touch Therapy And eMeter Readings « …salted lithium. --

  7. Pingback: Friday Conversations With My Psychiatrist | February 12, 2010 « …salted lithium.

  8. Rhiannon says:

    This is really interesting to me; now I hate the whole anti-psychiatry cult b.s. that these people strew about them, however I have been through DBT and we used a similar skill. I’ve found through my own experience and supporting others with psych issues that becoming mindfully aware of your immediate physical surroundings can pull you out of attacks of anxiety and dissociation. This is not to say that I think it changes the fact that scientology is fundamentally flawed but I see the merit in this particular approach.

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