The Official Pregnancy Announcement

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My girlfriend is pregnant. The baby is due in December or January.

So starting in September I’ll be auctioning off naming rights, and there’ll also be sponsorship possibilities.

It’s still too early to know whether it’s a girl or boy, but I’m assuming it’ll be a girl because I have no idea how to raise one. I think, with a boy, I’d have an honest shot at doing a good job without reading any books or asking questions.

Just so there’s no confusion, boy or girl, we might as well set our calendars now…

Assuming a January, 2010, birth we can expect cancer to be cured sometime around 2035. She would’ve done it earlier but she was under contract to the Ottawa Senators. Speaking of which, the Ottawa Senators will be winning the Stanley Cup starting in the 2018/2019 season. It’ll be a five year dynasty. I’m fairly confident she’ll be a goalie. She’ll be asked to stay and coach, but she has to go cure cancer.

You’ll probably start reading about her in the newspaper when she’s sixteen and graduating from university — sixteen because she’ll probably take a year off to work rebuilding Los Angeles… and there will still be newspapers in the future because by 2025 she’ll have endorsed them, and people generally listen to Olympic champions.

She’ll release her first box set in 2040-ish, it’ll be a collection of Led Zeppelin covers because the estates of Plant and Page insisted. Mostly she’ll do them in a 1976-1989 punk style, and she’ll dedicate the first single to the families of those lost during the attack of Zombie Jesus.

It’s pretty much a certainty your children, and probably grandchildren, will be reading her first three books as part of their high school curriculum. I don’t want to give away any plot lines but there are no boy wizards, and all of the words will conform to the dictionary as published by the Cambridge University Press. Speaking of words, people using “Internet speak” will become ostracized and forced to live only in underground caverns, and those using emoticons will be beaten with sticks by people wearing T-shirts with my kids face on them. You’re welcome in advance.

Don’t worry, my little girl will be a benevolent great leader friend to your child.

I should also take this time to apologize for not procreating earlier, and more often… sorry.

My girlfriend and I have known about the pregnancy for the past six weeks. There have already been complications. My girlfriend has a three-year old son already, but two earlier pregnancies ended badly. So the doctors consider this to be a “high risk” pregnancy. Which, so far, has meant many late night trips to the Emergency Room for both of us.

Not telling anyone was initially my idea, but she agreed it made sense. We wanted to get out of the first trimester before telling our parents. But it stopped making sense when the late night ER visits were interfering with her shifts at the convenience store. So we agreed a few days ago she would explain everything to her boss.

She has letters from her doctors, so she can’t be fired for missing shifts — her boss is actually a pretty decent guy, but I’m always wary of bosses. She’ll be guaranteed a certain percentage of her salary, thanks to Employment Insurance (re: Canada), but she’s barely making $12,000/year as it is, I’m not sure how she can make do on less.

…that’s actually the average annual salary of a single mother in this region, regardless of the number of kids.

My girlfriend is mostly happy about the pregnancy. She’s worried about the “high risk” part, of course, but she has always wanted two kids. Her plan in high school was actually six… which at this point is unlikely, even my sperm would have a hard time making five kids at once without all the lab work.

She does plan on having a hysterectomy after our kid is born.

I’m not freaking out about this, I do want it to happen, and I’m going to spend the next eight months doing my best to take care of my girlfriend. It’s a weird situation for a lot of reasons… but that’s another post.

So, I’m going to be a father. Who saw that coming?




About Gabriel...

...diagnosed with manic depression when I was nineteen, for the next 14-years I lived without treatment or a recovery plan. I've been homeless, one time I graduated college, I've won awards for reporting on Internet privacy issues, and a weekly humour column. In 2002 I finally hit bottom and found help. It's now 2022, and I have an 8-year old son, and a 12-year old son... I’m usually about six feet tall, and I'm pretty sure I screwed up my book deal. I mostly blog at
This entry was posted in Bipolar, Bipolar Disease, Bipolar Disorder, crazy people with no pants, Health, Living With Depression, Living With Manic Depression, Manic Depression, Pregnancy, Zombies. Bookmark the permalink.

30 Responses to The Official Pregnancy Announcement

  1. bine says:

    i so totally didn’t see that coming, but once the two (or three) of you have decided you are are mostly happy about this, i am hugely happy for you.
    i just spit my coffee all over my laptop reading your “assuming it’ll be a girl because I have no idea how to raise one”.
    okay, let’s assume it’ll be a girl. gimme your address, dude. i wanna knit pink socks.

  2. Soire says:

    Girls are awesome to have. My first two are girls, and we’re finally pushing past the princess stage into strong willed tom-boys. It’s GREAT! 😀

    A toast to the future generation.

  3. bipolarlife says:

    Sweet Zombie Jesus! That’s excellent! Congrats.

  4. thordora says:

    Didn’t see it coming. But it’s awesome.

    And I vote boy so I can marry a daughter off. 😛

  5. auralay says:

    Congrats on opening the door to fatherhood 🙂

    Can I start knitting a blanket now?

  6. Alicia says:

    I always wanted a boy because I’d been a tom boy and as far from a girlie girl as could be. So of course, I had a girl. Which, considering I used to hate pink and all things female, was a “WTF do I do know?!” Thankfully mine has morphed into a bad-ass princess, so I’m content.

    No matter, boy or girl, I success…for your child and for you as a father. Best wishes!

  7. Congrats dude!! xx

  8. I haven’t been here in a while and I’m not quite sure but when I do “disappear” for a bit and then come back, there’s always some, massive, fucking, what the hell going on in your life!!!

    You know, when I first started reading this, I thought it was a joke! *laughing* Well, in a weird kind of way. I mean, she’s your girlfriend so I thought maybe someone else got her pregnant. And you were cool with that?

    I’m such a dork. Well, I don’t know.

    Then I got to the end and I was completely stunned. I didn’t know what to do!

    Now, how ridiculous is that? Me not knowing what to do! I’m not involved in this new addition to the family. I didn’t have sex with your girlfriend and get her pregnant! *laughing again*

    Well, I suppose congratulations are in order? Yes?

    I like the idea of auctioning off naming rights–or at least letting us all have fun with making suggestions–even though I suck at naming things.

    Oh, I know what I can suggest, though! May I be cool, crazy Auntie PA? Yes! I can be part of the family! That would be awesome. W00t!

  9. zoom says:

    I don’t know what to say, except congratulations Gabriel. I wish you all the very very best as a family.

  10. Yo is Me says:

    Hey!! Congrats!!!

  11. raino says:

    sweet jesus. congratulations gabriel. things happen for a reason right.

  12. Nita says:

    congratulations Gabriel! I think this is great news and I wish you all the best.

  13. Gabriel... says:

    Thanks everyone… we were at the hospital again tonight. My girlfriend was at work and started having pains. I got to the hospital just after she had gotten in to see the doctor — only a thirty minute wait this time. There was some bleeding, but the doctor did an ultrasound and the baby is fine.

    And just to answer my own question, I didn’t see this coming either. For a lot of reasons I was just coming to terms with the idea of never having kids. So… wheee…

    Griezi Bine… sorry about your laptop. Little pink booties would be awesome. I’m not sure exactly how it happened but I think the majority of my blog friends, and blog readers are major knitters and now cultivating all these relationships for so long is really going to pay off.

    I actually knew before my girlfriend told me… it wasn’t really difficult, she spent a few days complaining how it was hard to keep her food down, and my brains first reaction went something like “okay Pepto-Bismal… wait… oh shit, right, no condom…”. My concern during those days was more on the “what does she want to do” side than the pregnancy itself. I’ll send you my address if you’re serious about the booties… I think she’ll probably take a mens size eleven.

    Fakaalofa atu Soire… having a girl would be awesome… awesomely scary. I mean, just offhand I can’t see any way of slipping a dick joke into the conversation. And that’s like half my shtick… “my dick is so big movie theatres now serve popcorn in Small, Medium, Large and My Dick.” And dresses… I’ll have to buy her stuff. This is going to be weird.

    Haileo Seaneen… and thanks. It’s always great to see you here.

    Marhay na aldaw BPL… thanks dude. I was hoping someone would spot the zombie reference. I can’t remember the episode, but there was something about there being no more video cassettes because they were all destroyed during the second coming of Jesus back in the 25th century. I laughed myself into a coma that night. They’re talking about bringing Futurama back because the movies are doing so well… which would make my baby the second most awesome thing to happen this year.

    Hi Thor… I think this is when we start negotiating a dowry. There’ll probably have to be a PlayStation5 and some games involved, and maybe an overnight trip to the underwater city of Montreal.

    Moikka auralay… I feel like I’m starting up a gift registry already. Since I don’t know yet if I’ll have a son or daughter I think a black blanket with some silver skulls would be appropriate. Or maybe a Zombie Jesus and His twelve ninja disciples.

    Alicia!! You’re back!! It has been so long… I’m sorry, I haven’t checked in for so long. I’m pretty sure I’ll be happy no matter which archetype she chooses, but bad-ass princess would be high up on my list. I’m already planning on picking up the Xena box set as a tutorial. I figure it’ll be interesting for either my son or daughter — maybe for different reasons, maybe for the same… I’m rainbow friendly.

    Madainn mhath AudaciousAria… thanks, and thanks for coming over again.

    Konnichi wa Purple NINjah… uhm… no, I definitely wouldn’t be cool if it wasn’t mine. That would be an entirely different post with much more usage of All Caps. You’re definitely part of the family though.

    Zoom!! Thanks Zoom… just so you know I think I may be hitting you up for advice on a few things, so just a heads up on the 4am emails.

    yo, Yo is Me… you changed blogs. That was a very gutsy thing to do. And I’m pretty sure this is the first time you’ve commented here… thanks. And thanks for the congratulations.

    Skênö raino… sweet Jesus indeed… to be exact, sweet Zombie Jesus. Things happen for a reason, and after they’ve happened there’s no going back so why sweat the details, lets just get on with getting this thing done. Whee…

    Thanks Nita, it’s great to see you here.

  14. Looks like I picked a bad week to stop drinking.

    On the other hand, this does explain how enthusiastically she put the Shwarma away.

  15. bipolarlife says:

    That would be fuckin’ AWESOME if they brought Futurama back! We’ll credit your baby with that.

  16. bromac says:

    Wow! I mean….wow.

    I have been trying all day to come up with a response and “wow” is all I can come up with.

    I really hope she is able to have a healthy and stress-free pregnancy.

  17. Richard says:


  18. bromac says:

    Ok, over my shock. WooHoo–congrats to you both!!

  19. Hella Stella says:

    Whoah…. Amazing! I’m really happy for you and your genius daughter!

  20. qweenminx says:

    Gabe!!!!! I am so bloody over the moon for you both!!!

    It’s fantastic, utterly fantastic news. And, you will make a wonderful father. Being a mother is the best thing that ever happened to me. I am truly truly happy for you.

    love always


  21. madcarole says:

    Congratulations to you both, thats lovely news

    Hugs Carole xxx

  22. exactscience says:

    Oh I haven’t replied yet. Silly me.

    My first thought was of adorable baby toques. That says way too much about me.

    Good news, great news.

    First rule of parent club – don’t drop the baby.

  23. Ameroux says:

    You won’t believe this, cuz I don’t even know you, but when you mentioned girlfriend’s nausea a while back, I just knew she was pregnant. I just had this lightning bolt of certainty. Sending you all good vibes and prayers for safe delivery, Papa Gabriel.

  24. Anita Marie says:

    that is wonderful news…!

  25. Woodsy says:

    I accept your apology for not procreating sooner.

    I am truly happy for you three, and I sense that you will be an amazing dad (as you already are to your girlfriend’s little boy).

    Now, what can I start knitting? Where are my giant knitting needles? Ah, here they are. Knit one, purl one…

  26. Pingback: Our Mothers React To Their Babies Having Children « …salted lithium.

  27. Clare says:

    How amazing prayers for you all

  28. Em says:

    late to the party… but a big congrats to you three! Here’s hoping everything goes smoothly from here on in.

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