My girlfriend is pregnant. The baby is due in December or January.
So starting in September I’ll be auctioning off naming rights, and there’ll also be sponsorship possibilities.
It’s still too early to know whether it’s a girl or boy, but I’m assuming it’ll be a girl because I have no idea how to raise one. I think, with a boy, I’d have an honest shot at doing a good job without reading any books or asking questions.
Just so there’s no confusion, boy or girl, we might as well set our calendars now…
Assuming a January, 2010, birth we can expect cancer to be cured sometime around 2035. She would’ve done it earlier but she was under contract to the Ottawa Senators. Speaking of which, the Ottawa Senators will be winning the Stanley Cup starting in the 2018/2019 season. It’ll be a five year dynasty. I’m fairly confident she’ll be a goalie. She’ll be asked to stay and coach, but she has to go cure cancer.
You’ll probably start reading about her in the newspaper when she’s sixteen and graduating from university — sixteen because she’ll probably take a year off to work rebuilding Los Angeles… and there will still be newspapers in the future because by 2025 she’ll have endorsed them, and people generally listen to Olympic champions.
She’ll release her first box set in 2040-ish, it’ll be a collection of Led Zeppelin covers because the estates of Plant and Page insisted. Mostly she’ll do them in a 1976-1989 punk style, and she’ll dedicate the first single to the families of those lost during the attack of Zombie Jesus.
It’s pretty much a certainty your children, and probably grandchildren, will be reading her first three books as part of their high school curriculum. I don’t want to give away any plot lines but there are no boy wizards, and all of the words will conform to the dictionary as published by the Cambridge University Press. Speaking of words, people using “Internet speak” will become ostracized and forced to live only in underground caverns, and those using emoticons will be beaten with sticks by people wearing T-shirts with my kids face on them. You’re welcome in advance.
Don’t worry, my little girl will be a
benevolent great leader friend to your child.
I should also take this time to apologize for not procreating earlier, and more often… sorry.
My girlfriend and I have known about the pregnancy for the past six weeks. There have already been complications. My girlfriend has a three-year old son already, but two earlier pregnancies ended badly. So the doctors consider this to be a “high risk” pregnancy. Which, so far, has meant many late night trips to the Emergency Room for both of us.
Not telling anyone was initially my idea, but she agreed it made sense. We wanted to get out of the first trimester before telling our parents. But it stopped making sense when the late night ER visits were interfering with her shifts at the convenience store. So we agreed a few days ago she would explain everything to her boss.
She has letters from her doctors, so she can’t be fired for missing shifts — her boss is actually a pretty decent guy, but I’m always wary of bosses. She’ll be guaranteed a certain percentage of her salary, thanks to Employment Insurance (re: Canada), but she’s barely making $12,000/year as it is, I’m not sure how she can make do on less.
…that’s actually the average annual salary of a single mother in this region, regardless of the number of kids.
My girlfriend is mostly happy about the pregnancy. She’s worried about the “high risk” part, of course, but she has always wanted two kids. Her plan in high school was actually six… which at this point is unlikely, even my sperm would have a hard time making five kids at once without all the lab work.
She does plan on having a hysterectomy after our kid is born.
I’m not freaking out about this, I do want it to happen, and I’m going to spend the next eight months doing my best to take care of my girlfriend. It’s a weird situation for a lot of reasons… but that’s another post.
So, I’m going to be a father. Who saw that coming?