There’s too much to write about at the moment, which means there’s a backlog in my head… which means when I sit down to write about one thing, three other things get in the way.
So, instead of writing about what’s going on, or about my recovery, or my broken foot, I’ve rediscovered the diversionary power of my PS3 and GTA IV.
Some of the things I want to write about:
1. my brother was here for a visit, with his wife and new baby. It was pretty awkward because he thinks I’m doing something wrong by preventing our (abusive and manipulative) grandmother from being near my son.
2. …great, now that’s all I can think about.
3. I saw a documentary recently on NFL running back, Ricky Williams, and his search for himself and some understanding of his role as “father”. It’s called “Run Ricky Run”, and it’s basically his real time recovery from years of abuse and neglect from his father. He turned his back on $30millionUS and spent four years becoming a yoga master, and discovering Hinduism. It was brilliant, and a lot of it made a lot of sense to me.
4. Even though I’ve recovered from most of the direct effects of manic depression, the indirect parts… the behaviours, have become a direct threat to my life through the diabetes. Most likely, because of how long I’ve lived with my blood sugar so high, I will die from diabetes… and what’s preventing me from mending myself, healing myself, is having lived so long with the manic depression without treatment.
…anyway. There are a few others that I can’t remember right now. This is the preview for “Run Ricky Run”…
I just wanted to basically write something to acknowledge there have been a lot of long pauses between posts on this blog (and my other ones) recently. But it’s mostly because I haven’t been able to concentrate on one specific topic long enough.
I’m still fairly confident this blog (and one of the others) is helping more than hindering my recovery, so it’s still a necessary part of my life… maybe even to my life continuing.
So I’m going to try and limit my distractions over the next few days, and try to spend some time on my own so I can give these issues the time needed to gain some clarity.
Because otherwise they’ll just keep swirling around in my head, causing nothing but damage and confusion.
The short-term plan also includes getting rid of cable… which just sucks my brain dry, so I end up avoiding these issues through culturally induced brain damage.
I guess that’s it for now.
Listening. Not always talking…but here nonetheless.
Cable free has helped us quite a bit. It’s one less distraction. I do still fall into the internet when I’m feeling avoidant though. There’s always a distraction when you really want one.
Being one to go on and off of cable TV, I find myself to be much more productive and I suppose happier without it. A couple of weeks ago my TV broke and I just got it back yesterday. Now all I want to do is leave myself by watching TV. It really is not a good thing.
I enjoy your blog.
Thanks Linda, that’s very kind of you. There are times when I enjoy it as well… congratulations on starting your own blog, I hope it helps in your recovery as much as this one has helped mine.
I did disconnect the cable from the TV for a week, but I caved when my girlfriend wanted to watch “Storage Wars”. I felt guilty because I was working on the computer, and she only had magazines to keep her occupied. But I was also seriously jonesing for hockey. Cable TV should be classified as a drug.