Another Salted Milestone Plus Some Links For Better Blogging And A Birthday

Posted on July 1, 2009 by Gabriel...

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My photo blog is now fifty posts old. Which, in human terms, means it’s about to start stealing cars and hiring homeless dudes to buy it alcohol and smokes. So, basically it’s eleven.

My photo blog, Salted Shambhala, probably has as much to do with my life and recovery as this one does. Just with more sexual innuendo, music and savage beatings. And photos. Mostly photos. And, as well as publishing my fiftieth post, I also changed the layout to make it prettier. Go Team Salt.

The reason I started the photo blog was to have someplace where I didn’t have to write about me. It was just to have someplace to do creative stuff that had nothing to do with punching a spigot into my chest every week so I can bleed my life out.

People who use blogging as a recovery tool have to be as honest as possible, otherwise we’re just writing nonsense. It’s like being in therapy, if you’re not honest in the group, or with your doctor, you’re wasting your time.

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Posted in 50 Posts, Bipolar, Bipolar Disease, Bipolar Disorder, crazy people with no pants, Health, Living With Depression, Living With Manic Depression, Manic Depression | 2 Comments

No Post Day | PS3 Down

Posted on June 27, 2009 by Gabriel...

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My PlayStation3 froze a few days ago, and won’t restart. It’s busted. According to my little brother the problem is fairly common, his own PS3 has been sent back to be fixed a couple of times. He thinks the optical laser is burnt out. Which would make sense. I’ve had the system for almost thirteen months now and I don’t think I’ve gone two days in a row without using it more than a few times.

I’ve had a PlayStation since 1996. The PS3 was a gift from my little brother. They’re a great way to turn your brain off, or at least the parts that only get in the way. There’s a surprising amount of clarity to be found in performing acts of great carnage while sitting in a comfy chair.

If I can convince Sony to take my PS3 back for repairs it’ll take another six weeks for me to get it back. This is going to leave a huge chunk of time I’ll have to fill somehow.

So my questions for this sacred No Post Day are:

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Posted in Bipolar, Bipolar Disease, Bipolar Disorder, crazy people with no pants, Health, Living With Depression, Living With Manic Depression, Manic Depression, No Post Day | 16 Comments

Friday Conversations With My Psychiatrist | June 12, 2009

Posted on June 24, 2009 by Gabriel...

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Psychiatrist Day

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This was my first appointment after telling my parents about my girlfriend being pregnant. It was not a good ten days. There is a level of passive aggression in my family that is unrivalled.

When I first told my mother she seemed happy, at least after the first few moments of indecision. After her first hersitation she seemed happy, even excited. For the next week, however, she let her anxieties show in questions like “are you sure you want to be a father”, “are you happy she’s pregnant” and “is this something you want”.

Do I want to be a father, and am I happy my girlfriend is pregnant. How could I possibly be expected to answer those questions? To me she might as well be asking if I’m going to raise my child or abandon it like my father did me. How can that even be a choice?

More recently she decided the lack of positive response from her and my step-father was my fault because I wasn’t “taking the lead” and I haven’t been “happy enough”. But I was happy when I told her, and also when I told my step-father, and the response from him was as though I had pissed in his cereal. He barely even shook my hand.

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Posted in Appointment Day, Bipolar, Bipolar Disease, Bipolar Disorder, Clinical Depression, crazy people with no pants, Health, Living With Depression, Living With Manic Depression, Manic Depression, Pregnancy, Psychiatry | 9 Comments

My Last Father’s Day As A Spectator

Posted on June 21, 2009 by Gabriel...

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Today is Father’s Day. It’s a day which has always meant something different to me than most people. Father’s Day for me was always a day to remember something I never had. It has been a day to remember being abandoned. A day where it was always made clear to me I had a father who did not want to share in my life.

Well, this Father’s Day is about something else.

Early Sunday afternoon, probably on the deck at my parents home, I’ll be telling my extended family about my girlfriend’s pregnancy. I hate talking about myself in front of people. Especially when I know there’ll be a whole lot of judging going on. But it has to be done, and doing it on this day makes sense.

So what I’m going to do is stand up, ask for everyone’s attention, and I’m going to say “Today is my last Father’s Day as a spectator. I’m very proud to say [my girlfriend] and I are having a baby.” Maybe some other stuff as well, but I figure that’ll be as much as I can remember.

Then I sit back and plan how I’ll respond on Father’s Day in eighteen years when my incredibly successful daughter hands me the keys to my new Ducati 1098 R Bayliss LE Superbike, and says “Happy Father’s Day… dad.”

.

...thanks.

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Posted in Bipolar, Bipolar Disease, Bipolar Disorder, crazy people with no pants, Health, Living With Depression, Living With Manic Depression, Manic Depression, Pregnancy | 8 Comments

Five Great Songs And Five Things About Me Because Six Of Each Would Be Conceited

Posted on June 17, 2009 by Gabriel...

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The pad of my right thumb is at least twice as large as my left. I noticed this a couple of weeks ago. It took about eight seconds for me to realize why… my left thumb controls the stick, my right thumb works the buttons on the PlayStation controller.

I haven’t found a reason to use my newfound power, but when the need arises — and it will — my thumb will be ready. Really, you have to figure I’m just one super-thumb among thousands. Most of the dudes of my generation have been playing videogames since before the C64 was cool, so surely we’ll find a way to harness the thumb power we’ve created.

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Someone I blog with is leaving her role as a volunteer at a food bank / soup kitchen in Ottawa so she can concentrate on beating the cancer in her breast. It’s the same food bank and soup kitchen I used for three (or more) years back in the early 1990’s.

Back then my girlfriend eventually got tired of me being borderline homeless and being on social assistance. So I put together a résumé for a job at a pool hall. It was pretty short, I had some bartending experience, a few months as a producer at an Ottawa university radio station, I helped organize a summer day care program near my home town, I spent six months as a fishing guide at a remote camp and there was all the summers I spent as a farmhand.

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Posted in Bipolar, Bipolar Disease, Bipolar Disorder, crazy people with no pants, Entertainment, Health, Living With Depression, Living With Manic Depression, Manic Depression, Poverty | 10 Comments

Next Week Our Baby Grows Arms And Legs Which Will Come In Handy When She Has To Mow Our Lawn

Posted on June 10, 2009 by Gabriel...

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If everything goes according to plan my baby will be borne in the same hospital where I was hospitalized for a month twenty years ago for being suicidal.

How weird a circle is that?

My girlfriend and I had our first appointment with the high-risk pregnancy group at the Ottawa General Hospital on Tuesday. Compared to the service and general competency of the rural hospitals we’ve been hanging around in so far, the OGH was covered floor to ceiling in crushed velvet and diabetic-friendly chocolate was pouring from the fountains.

The location of the birth is one of quickly growing list of things I haven’t planned for yet. My girlfriend’s three-year old son was meant to borne in the same hospital, but things happened too fast and now his birth certificate has the name of a town I grew up making fun of… our high school used to beat their high school in everything.

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Posted in Bipolar, Bipolar Disease, Bipolar Disorder, crazy people with no pants, Health, Living With Depression, Living With Manic Depression, Manic Depression, Pregnancy | 16 Comments