My Grandfather Has Died

copyright banner salted photo header

spacer

My grandfather died before the sun came up Friday morning.

He had bone cancer, but never knew it. He was admitted to the hospital a week ago with severe pain in his back. After some preliminary tests the doctors found a cracked vertebrae. For the first few days they treated him for the pain, and the expectation was he would be admitted to a facility for the elderly. But he slipped into a coma, and when the results of the tests came in the cancer was discovered.

I received a call from my sister on Wednesday letting me know the doctors expected him to pass on that night. My grandfather had signed papers several years ago asking that no heroic measures by taken in a situation like this one. So none were. He decided when to go.

And he went.

Continue reading →

Posted in Bipolar, Bipolar Disease, Bipolar Disorder, Clinical Depression, crazy people with no pants, Health, Living With Depression, Living With Manic Depression, Manic Depression, Mental Health, SeaJay | 19 Comments

Suicide Is Not The Only Way Manic Depression Kills Us

copyright banner salted photo header

spacer

“In Canada, suicide accounts for 24 percent of all deaths among 15 to 24 year olds and 16 percent among 16 to 44 year olds. Suicide is the second leading cause of death for Canadians between the ages of 10 and 24.”
The Canadian Mental Health Association

Over 23,000 Canadians are hospitalized each year for a suicide attempt.
Canada Safety Council

“In clinical samples, about 50% of persons with bipolar disorder (BD) were found to have a history of a suicide attempt. In the largest epidemiological study on the topic to date, the suicide attempt rate in persons with BD was twice that of individuals with unipolar depression.”
Suicide Attempts and Completions in Patients With Bipolar Disorder; May 1, 2007

“The causes of physical illness and death among psychiatric patients are much the same as those in other groups — cigarette smoking, obesity, diabetes — and are treatable. The problem is that people with serious mental illness tend to be low on the socioeconomic totem pole and often don’t get the best available health care. Frequently, their own doctors pay little heed to their patients’ physical health.”
Time Magazine: Why Do the Mentally Ill Die Younger? Dec. 03, 2008

I was diagnosed with manic depression in 1989 in a pre-Internet era when information regarding the disease was almost impossible to find. But I knew the basics. Some days I felt like dying, and some days I didn’t.

It has been twenty years since, and I am only now becoming aware of the damage done to my body over that time. I’ve only recently begun the basics of trying to repair my body from the damage done by living so long untreated and unmedicated.

That process of trying to change, even just modify, the damaging behaviours which have become my life has been slow. And it’s only within the past few months where I’ve begun to realize most of the damage is permanent, and will be the cost.

And the cost of resisting treatment, of misunderstanding what the disease is, and my outright general ignorance, will be a severely reduced life expectancy, not of days or years, but of decades. According to several recent studies into mental illness, the cost will be my death from natural causes decades too early.

Continue reading →

Posted in Bipolar, Bipolar Disease, Bipolar Disorder, Classic, Clinical Depression, crazy people with no pants, Diabetes, Health, Living With Depression, Living With Manic Depression, Manic Depression, Poverty, Psychiatry | 8 Comments

Another Salted Milestone Plus Some Links For Better Blogging And A Birthday

copyright banner salted photo header

My photo blog is now fifty posts old. Which, in human terms, means it’s about to start stealing cars and hiring homeless dudes to buy it alcohol and smokes. So, basically it’s eleven.

My photo blog, Salted Shambhala, probably has as much to do with my life and recovery as this one does. Just with more sexual innuendo, music and savage beatings. And photos. Mostly photos. And, as well as publishing my fiftieth post, I also changed the layout to make it prettier. Go Team Salt.

The reason I started the photo blog was to have someplace where I didn’t have to write about me. It was just to have someplace to do creative stuff that had nothing to do with punching a spigot into my chest every week so I can bleed my life out.

People who use blogging as a recovery tool have to be as honest as possible, otherwise we’re just writing nonsense. It’s like being in therapy, if you’re not honest in the group, or with your doctor, you’re wasting your time.

Continue reading →

Posted in 50 Posts, Bipolar, Bipolar Disease, Bipolar Disorder, crazy people with no pants, Health, Living With Depression, Living With Manic Depression, Manic Depression | 2 Comments

No Post Day | PS3 Down

copyright banner salted photo header

spacer

My PlayStation3 froze a few days ago, and won’t restart. It’s busted. According to my little brother the problem is fairly common, his own PS3 has been sent back to be fixed a couple of times. He thinks the optical laser is burnt out. Which would make sense. I’ve had the system for almost thirteen months now and I don’t think I’ve gone two days in a row without using it more than a few times.

I’ve had a PlayStation since 1996. The PS3 was a gift from my little brother. They’re a great way to turn your brain off, or at least the parts that only get in the way. There’s a surprising amount of clarity to be found in performing acts of great carnage while sitting in a comfy chair.

If I can convince Sony to take my PS3 back for repairs it’ll take another six weeks for me to get it back. This is going to leave a huge chunk of time I’ll have to fill somehow.

So my questions for this sacred No Post Day are:

Continue reading →

Posted in Bipolar, Bipolar Disease, Bipolar Disorder, crazy people with no pants, Health, Living With Depression, Living With Manic Depression, Manic Depression, No Post Day | 16 Comments

Friday Conversations With My Psychiatrist | June 12, 2009

copyright banner salted photo header

spacer

Psychiatrist Day

spacer

This was my first appointment after telling my parents about my girlfriend being pregnant. It was not a good ten days. There is a level of passive aggression in my family that is unrivalled.

When I first told my mother she seemed happy, at least after the first few moments of indecision. After her first hersitation she seemed happy, even excited. For the next week, however, she let her anxieties show in questions like “are you sure you want to be a father”, “are you happy she’s pregnant” and “is this something you want”.

Do I want to be a father, and am I happy my girlfriend is pregnant. How could I possibly be expected to answer those questions? To me she might as well be asking if I’m going to raise my child or abandon it like my father did me. How can that even be a choice?

More recently she decided the lack of positive response from her and my step-father was my fault because I wasn’t “taking the lead” and I haven’t been “happy enough”. But I was happy when I told her, and also when I told my step-father, and the response from him was as though I had pissed in his cereal. He barely even shook my hand.

Continue reading →

Posted in Appointment Day, Bipolar, Bipolar Disease, Bipolar Disorder, Clinical Depression, crazy people with no pants, Health, Living With Depression, Living With Manic Depression, Manic Depression, Pregnancy, Psychiatry | 9 Comments

My Last Father’s Day As A Spectator

copyright banner salted photo header

spacer

Today is Father’s Day. It’s a day which has always meant something different to me than most people. Father’s Day for me was always a day to remember something I never had. It has been a day to remember being abandoned. A day where it was always made clear to me I had a father who did not want to share in my life.

Well, this Father’s Day is about something else.

Early Sunday afternoon, probably on the deck at my parents home, I’ll be telling my extended family about my girlfriend’s pregnancy. I hate talking about myself in front of people. Especially when I know there’ll be a whole lot of judging going on. But it has to be done, and doing it on this day makes sense.

So what I’m going to do is stand up, ask for everyone’s attention, and I’m going to say “Today is my last Father’s Day as a spectator. I’m very proud to say [my girlfriend] and I are having a baby.” Maybe some other stuff as well, but I figure that’ll be as much as I can remember.

Then I sit back and plan how I’ll respond on Father’s Day in eighteen years when my incredibly successful daughter hands me the keys to my new Ducati 1098 R Bayliss LE Superbike, and says “Happy Father’s Day… dad.”

.

...thanks.

.

Posted in Bipolar, Bipolar Disease, Bipolar Disorder, crazy people with no pants, Health, Living With Depression, Living With Manic Depression, Manic Depression, Pregnancy | 8 Comments