Friday Conversations With My Psychiatrist | April 3, 2009

My doctor and I rarely start with the heavy stuff straight away. Actually, after I walk into his office and we shake hands, our routine consists of my weighing myself on his gravity scale, then I sit down and straighten the second chair, I place my water bottle and Diet Pepsi on his desk and we do a quick catch-up. Then I usually start with something relatively minor and recent.

Like the mini-media event that was the Conficker Virus, which blew up a few days before this appointment.

On Monday I flipped the channel to the CBC national news broadcast and watched as a friend of mine — the editor of an online tech magazine — was interviewed about Conficker. Then, a few minutes later, I flipped to the early edition of the CTV national news broadcast and got to watch another friend — an editor with a national tech magazine — also get interviewed about Conficker.

I haven’t seen either of them for almost six years… maybe seven, but we were pretty tight when we were together. They both looked older… and puffier, but seeing them reminded me I’m at a point in my recovery where I want to be doing something relevant, but I don’t know what or even how I’m supposed to find the opportunity.

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Posted in Appointment Day, Bipolar, Bipolar Disease, Bipolar Disorder, Clinical Depression, crazy people with no pants, CSG, Health, Living With Depression, Living With Manic Depression, Manic Depression, Psychiatry | 12 Comments

Infection Infected Infectious

I started feeling a pain in my throat last weekend. I knew right away it was an infection and wouldn’t get better without treatment, but I thought I’d have a few days until it got really bad. And I was right. A few days later it was really bad. My throat was swollen, my tongue was swollen, my ears hurt and I couldn’t swallow without it feeling as though there were knives in my throat.

I was even having trouble breathing when I was laying down.

But, other than that, my girlfriend, her son and I had a great time on Wednesday at the Museum of Science and Technology in Ottawa.

I’ve been on antibiotics since Thursday night… 1500mgs of Novamoxin (Amoxicillin) per day for a total of ten days. Plus two Extra-Strength Advil every couple of hours for its anti-inflammatory properties.

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Posted in Bipolar, crazy people with no pants, Diabetes, Health, Lithium, Living With Depression, Living With Manic Depression, Manic Depression, Ottawa | 12 Comments

Third Date With CSG And The Punks Come To Town For A Wild Meat Party

My girlfriend (CSG) met with legal aid last Thursday morning. She’ll hear back this week, but it looks like she has a lawyer and will be eligible for full funding. It also looks like her soon-to-be-ex-husband (STBEH) is about to be stripped naked, tarred, feathered and driven around town in the back of a pickup truck.

I almost felt bad for the guy. Actually, if I knew him at all, I probably would. The house he’s living in will most likely have to be sold, with half the sale going to CSG; he’ll have to pay child support plus alimony, plus some other payment called “equalization”… or something.

I hope STBEH gets full use out of his BBQ this summer, because I doubt he’ll be able to afford meat for the next fifteen years.

Most importantly for her though is it’s inevitable CSG will have full custody over their three-year old son.

She was really nervous before the appointment. I went with her — after having been up all night trying to write something, which was dumb. I waited in the office with her, holding her hand, helping with the paperwork and trying to keep her entertained. The local legal aid office is in an old home, one of the original homes of the town, so it feels like a library. The walls were really thin, and I think they were using the volume from a small radio to hide the lawyer-client conversations in the next room.

I waited outside for most of the appointment… once it started I could almost hear them, and I really don’t feel like I have any right to know the details of the divorce. Or the why part.

Once it was over I took her for a slow walk along the river that flows next to the town, we mostly talked about things we’d like to do together. On the way back to the car I suggested we walk through the downtown mall.

There’s a small pet store in the local mall and CSG loves looking at mice and dogs. The owners also have a huge display case with their own pets on display, two huge iguanas named Pink and Floyd. The smaller female was about the length of my arm. Her boyfriend looked like he could have eaten my arm.

The owners let CSG play with Floyd, the female. They got along great. It was the first time CSG had held a dinosaur.

By the time we started back to the car it was lunchtime, so I took her to a local bakery where she had her favourite cookies and I ate sushi with chopsticks made from two butter knives because they had no real ones. Which made her laugh. She was very impressed at my butter knife-chopstick prowess.

The bakery makes incredible cookies, including both CSG and her son’s favourites, so I bought a bunch.

Which is when CSG told me we were going to her parents home to pick up her son… and meet her parents.

I had met CSG’s father once in her kitchen while he was dropping her son off. But that was pretty early in our dating relationship. Since we met CSG has been telling me stories almost daily about how badly she had been treated by her mother.

But overall it went very well. I ended up outside with Mr. CSG and he asked me some questions, and we had a nice conversation. Inside, meanwhile, Mrs. CSG asked CSG the “is he treating you well” type of mom questions. Thankfully no one asked about my job situation, or if manic depression is communicable.

I did ask CSG after we had pulled away that she not spring any more family visits on me. I need time to prepare for stuff like that. I think that’s as close as we’ve come to having a disagreement.

Her son really liked his cookies… they were in the shape of bunnies. But he asked CSG first if he could have one. Which I thought was cute. He has started looking at me, which I think is a good sign. He’s also getting excited when he finds out I’ll be in the car with them… but once I’m on the car he almost never speaks to me. Small steps.

CSG and I had our third (official) date last Monday… I made dinner for us, and I’m thinking it could become a regular thing.

I’m not surprised anymore when she says things like this, but CSG told me it was the first time she had watched a dude cook, and the first time a dude had cooked for her.

I baked some chicken with a spicy peanut sauce — kind of like General Tao’s Chicken, then in a separate dish roasted some potatoes and carrots with rosemary and some canola oil. I put some corn into the chicken dish for about fifteen minutes as well. All together I think it took forty minutes. I don’t know why I keep forgetting how easy and quick it can be cooking at home.

I don’t use my kitchen a whole lot… I like the one they have at the local Chinese restaurant. So it did require an all day cleaning. The night went really well… I found a neat way to light the table using tea-light candles and high-sided dishes in the shape of card symbols, which kind of made my dining room sort of almost romantic.

For dessert my idea was to go out somewhere for ice cream, but it got late and we got lazy so we had carrot muffins and diet-ginger ale.

At some point in the evening she asked if I’d like to go to her family’s cottage in the Quebec mountains. It would be me, CSG and her son out for the day, with a stop at a small candy factory. So that’s happening this coming Tuesday. Sweet freaking Jesus I hope the kid’s in a good mood.

I think we’re also going to Ottawa this week as well… my idea is to take her son to the Museum of Science And Technology for the day. He likes trains and planes, like most sane three-year olds, so I think he’ll get a kick out of the SciTech Museum. Then, maybe, we can swing past the Aviation Museum as well.

So everything was going great, then I was invited to a “Wild Meat Party” where I met some punks from Toronto I haven’t seen in seven years.

My mother called on Saturday night asking me to attend a church dinner with my step-father, because he had two tickets and couldn’t find anyone else.

A “wild meat party” is a supper where the main courses are all hunted game. There was buffalo, elk, moose, wild goose and wild boar… and rice. It was prepared different than I expected. I’ve had buffalo before, and it was prepared like a roast. But when I got to the buffet table there were three kinds of stew, and the buffalo, moose and elk had been ground up and turned into meatballs.

The goose and elk stews were very tasty. The meatballs were… meatballs.

I spent my time there basically staring at a wall. My step-dad knew a bunch of people, but I’m not down with the over-50 crowd yet. While I was finishing my dessert a hand clamped down on my shoulder… it was a friend who moved back home from Toronto about the same time I did, but he came back to start a business — which has grown into one of the more successful in the region.

So we chatted. We were pretty close back in Toronto — he had given me a place to stay a couple of times. When we were in Toronto he was part of a well known punk band made up of kids from my hometown, and we had many, many adventures. But this was the first time I’ve spoken to him since last summer.

When he started his business he brought in his family, and some of the punks from the Toronto days. And now he’s bringing up more. He’s determined to change the demographics of our little village.

They actually just moved into town on Friday. So we met at the ‘good pub’ in town for a drink and started telling stories… mostly about drinking competitions between punk bands — crazy crazy fucking crazy times. One of the punks I didn’t really know, but we had been to a lot of the same shows. The other one I knew fairly well. His band just broke up last fall after ten years and four albums.

And now he has moved here to restart his graphic design career. Crazy crazy.

I don’t think I’m going to spend a lot of time reconnecting with these guys. Most of their lives seem to still revolve around alcohol, and I’ve managed to isolate myself from the friends who own the business — intentionally or unintentionally, I’m not sure. And I’m not sure CSG would like them very much… I think she’d enjoy hearing stories about a piece of my past, but not necessarily from this group of people.

Anyway… I’m not sure what it means. But it feels like two very different parts of my life — the quiet part I’ve created here, and the noisy and blurry part I left to come here — are merging in a potentially very annoying way.

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...thanks.

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Posted in Bipolar, Bipolar Disease, Bipolar Disorder, crazy people with no pants, CSG, Health, Living With Depression, Living With Manic Depression, Manic Depression | 3 Comments

My Second Date With CSG And We’ve Become Grease For The Village Gossip Machine

One more disadvantage to living in a small, rural village is you can’t buy decent flowers after five o’clock.

Convenience Store Girl and I had our second official date on Friday night. After CSG finished work we drove into Ottawa for dinner and a late movie. I did manage to get her flowers, but just barely. I had an appointment with my psychiatrist that afternoon and I was late getting home so the “good” flower shop was closed. The “not-so-good” flower shop, however, was still open because the owner was stuck in automated customer service limbo and her phone cord wasn’t long enough so she couldn’t lock the door.

She only had four types of flowers and most of them had turned. When she managed to find stems with flowers still attached, she started waving them in the air while describing her adventures through voicemail. So I watched the freshest flowers I could find in her tiny display fridge lose their petals as she told me about how her distributer had screwed up the delivery schedule.

I managed to get out of there with a fist full of white flowers and some yellow ones. CSG nearly cried again when I gave them to her. Our date in the Big City was her first in a long time as well. Her favourite fast food place is A&W, so that’s where we went. Then to Chapter’s (a chain bookstore) for an hour.

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Posted in Bipolar Disease, Bipolar Disorder, Clinical Depression, crazy people with no pants, CSG, Health, Living With Depression, Living With Manic Depression, Manic Depression | 4 Comments

Old Post Day | In Search Of An Intervention

I was untreated for eighteen years… for some of them I was homeless, for almost all of them I was surviving on two dollars a day. What I was capable of was making an appointment and, eventually, getting to an office for an assessment. But I was incapable of making the plans necessary to carry out any reasonable treatment.

What I needed was someone to offer me the things I wanted, but couldn’t get. What I needed was one of the many doctors I asked for help to offer me a plan. What I needed was my family to take an active role in helping me get better. What I needed was an intervention.

In between being diagnosed with manic depression and finally finding a treatment which works for me were a lot of years of pain, suffering and general abuse… I was abandoned by friends, my family ignored the disease and blamed me for my behaviour, and the doctors I went to for help left me to the vagaries of the mental health system as though I should have understood the processes by virtue of needing them.

This particular Old Post Day is about how I think the mental health care system should operate…

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Posted in Bipolar, Bipolar Disease, Bipolar Disorder, Clinical Depression, crazy people with no pants, Health, Living With Depression, Living With Manic Depression, Manic Depression, Old Post Day | 3 Comments

Flowers Make CSG Cry And Other Things I Learned On Our First Date

We had our first official date on the weekend. Until now whenever Convenience Store Girl (CSG) and I (I) got together it was either at her store for a few minutes while I paid for my orange juice, or in my apartment, where we listen to music, talk, then watch a movie until she falls to sleep.

We did go out for lunch on Wednesday, and then for a walk along the river, but I didn’t really feel like I had asked her out specifically on a date. It felt like there could still be room for a misunderstanding, so during the car ride home I turned to her and asked if she’d like to go out… like, on a date.

“So… would you like to have lunch with me on Saturday?”

“Sure. That sounds great.”

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Posted in Bipolar, crazy people with no pants, CSG, Health, Living With Depression, Living With Manic Depression, Manic Depression | 11 Comments