Handing Out Flowers Again To Anyone Who Wants Them Because It’s February And We Need Some Colour


This one’s for Dame and all the other February haters. August 21, 2007 — photo by Me.

.


.

Your Body’s a small world with many meanings.
Love. If. Yes. But. Death.
Surely I will love you a little while,
perhaps as long as I have breath.

December is thirteen months long.
July’s one afternoon; therefore.
lover’s must outwit wool,
learn how to puncture fur.

To my love’s bed, to keep her warm,
I’ll carry wrapped and heated stones.
That which is comfort to the flesh
is sometimes torture to the bones.
“Canadian Love Poem”, Alden Nowlan

.


.

Last summer I took my little pocket digital camera and walked around my Little Village taking photos of some of the great gardens we have here. It was my way of getting out into the sunshine and taking a little responsibility over my Recovery. I also had the idea of printing them off and tacking them to my wall… it would be my way of adding colour to winter.

And then it hit me that I could offer the photos on Salted to anyone who wanted them, and I did. And now there are 31 people in eight countries with my photos. But that was August and September, and now it’s February and I thought I’d make them available on a page of their own.

It’s a simple process and it’s all there on the page, so have at it… add a little colour to your winter. It’s absolutely Free.

.

...thanks.

.

Posted in Bipolar, Bipolar Disease, Bipolar Disorder, Clinical Depression, crazy people with no pants, Depression, Health, Intervention, Lithium, Living With Depression, Living With Manic Depression, Manic Depression, Photography, Punk | 6 Comments

Be My Lithium Valentine


“I Choo-Choo-Choose You, Happy Valentines”; — Photo by Me, Dec. 14, 2007

.


“It Takes Two”; Rob Base and DJ Easy Rock
It takes two to make a thing go right, It takes two to make it outta sight
Let me know if the YouTube isn’t available.

.


.

.

It’s amazing how hard it is to concentrate on writing when someone is playing Manhunt 2 directly behind me and still taking the time to describe what’s going on.

I have a house guest for the next few days… maybe ten. A good friend of mine just got kicked out of the house he shared for a year with his girlfriend and her two kids. This is the second time he has used my now crowded apartment as a refuge. The last time was a couple of years ago when he moved in for six weeks to kick a crack habit and get over another girlfriend.

Unfortunately this time he’s here during the first Valentine’s Day in a long time I actually have someone to spend it with… kind of. On the actual Day itself she’ll be busy doing things like looking for work and “having a life” and “looking after her kids”. I’ll probably, mostly, be sleeping having been up all night working on this as I can’t write while gang bangers and white supremacists are being gutted with crowbars and circular saws.

My friend has always dealt with his own relationships the same way he plays Manhunt… screw looking in the corners for stuff which might protect you, just run around the room in circles as fast as possible until everyone’s splattered against the walls and deal with what’s left later. Or, with his girlfriends and general life away from a PS2, commit early and fall hard and face the unpleasant realities of how she’ll deal with his Whirlwind sometime down the road.

Sometimes people need to be told someone loves them. Sometimes those people realize a few months later it was all they needed from the relationship.

Sometimes people need to convince someone they’re loved. Sometimes, to do it properly, those people convince themselves what they’re saying is true.

Melanie and I have been dating since November… we dated in high school as well, for about eight months. For most of it I was in love with her. We met just before I was diagnosed and broke up just as I was going into the hospital for Observation — I broke up with her, I had no idea what was going to happen with what I thought would be my Recovery and wanted to spare us both.

She found me eighteen-years later by Google-ing during the week I put my real name into my blog… and here we are holding hands again, three years after I started my recovery.

She’s an “almost single” mom of two young girls and in her own recovery mode now so our idea is to move slowly, being careful to check the corners and to make sure we’re saying the right things for the right reasons and not splatter each other against the wall.

As sane as I may have become, I’m still trying to figure out… not “who I am” in any deep philosophical sense, more in a “how will I react in any given situation”. But also, for some things, in the clichéd philosophical sense.

Except for maybe a couple of exceptions in high school I’ve never dated a woman while I was rational and unlikely to disappear for a week or two… until now.

Since I started my Recovery I’ve only been in a long term relationship with one other woman, and that was at the very beginning of my recovery, during the first year of starting medications and treatment. Basically I started dating her during the recovery phase I was trying to spare Melanie from eighteen years ago.

Anyway… my first Sane Valentine’s Day with Someone I care about will be postponed until Friday when Melanie and I will have a nice dinner Somewhere. And no video games.

This could… should have been a lot more romantic, but there’s a snoring half-naked 260lb dude sleeping on the floor behind me. And he keeps twitching like he’s playing Manhunt in his dreams…

Happy Valentine’s Day Melanie… thanks for Google-ing me.

And a Happy Valentine’s Day to everyone else… and dudes, from my experience gas station flowers are better than no flowers.

.

...thanks.

.

Posted in Bipolar, Bipolar Disease, Bipolar Disorder, crazy people with no pants, Friends, Health, Lithium, Living With Depression, Living With Manic Depression, Manic Depression, Salted Truths | 9 Comments

Looking Forward To An Intervention Any Day Now

copyright banner salted photo header

spacer

YouTube Alert

spacer

There are so many days when all I want is to open my door and have family and friends sitting around my apartment with concerned looks on their faces and as they come towards me with their arms wide open in unconditional hugs of love they say something like “dude… we finally got around to finding you the help you need.”

Because the best I’ve been able to do on my own is not to be dead and I think I’m needing a lot more help than feeling like I don’t want to kill myself. I don’t mean taking the pills and the advances I’ve made dealing with the clinical depressions hasn’t been important. Just that, essentially, all of the work I’ve put in so far has brought me to this point… and it’s pretty freaking blunt.

Four years until now has been like coming out of an upside down sleeping bag wrapped in bubble wrap buried under six feet of rock. But the landscape I’ve been presented with is another few years of what I’ve just gone through… only this time my eyes are open to what’s going on.

I want to run away. I want to move. I’m tired of this apartment. I’m tired of this area. I’m tired of having to depend on the Government taking care of me. I’m tired of having to rely on family for support when they still have no idea… why I’m not jumping at the opportunities in the Career section of the local paper.

I wrote something somewhere here not too long ago which I’ve been thinking about a lot… about how I grew up being a blank state. About having a friend who moved forward aggressively in his life while I waited for instruction. The more I think about that the more I think it’s one of the most insightful things I’ve ever written about myself.

The weird thing is, my friend is on his way here right now. His girlfriend kicked him out and he’ll be couch surfing with me until next week. His girlfriend has been telling him for months that she just needs a few moments without him in her face. So he panicked and, not knowing what else to do, he leaned in further… 10PRINT”what’s wrong” “what did I do” “is it someone else” 20GOTO10.

He’s quitting his job and moving to Alberta. He has friends there who can give him a place to stay while he finds work in the most dynamic economic zone on Earth. And I should be going with him.

I should be leaving. But the Ontario Disability Program won’t let me. I’m trapped. I have a support system where I am now, but I don’t have the Second Stage Booster system to get me past this point. I have parents who can’t really quite figure out why I’m not doing Stuff and a Government who won’t facilitate me moving to where some money can be made worth getting off of disability.

And, really, I have no idea what it is I’m supposed to do back in the Career… whatever career I had before my 2002 breakdown is pretty much on life support. Actually I’m pretty sure the plug has been pulled and all that’s left is for Bill Frist, Rick Santorum, and Tom DeLay to make a motion in the American Senate.

It has been four years since I did any serious work for a check, and it was from landscaping. The last time anyone paid me to write was… 2002? My Journalism Career, counting College, ran from 1994 until 2001… that’s seven fucking years ago. Most of us of a certain age define ourselves by what we do… “I’m a mother” “I’m a carpenter” “I’m a reporter”. So what happens when all you’ve done in the Nineteen years from 1989 until 2008 is 2.5 years of college, three years of reporting and 1.5 years of corporate communications?

I need a fucking intervention… I need people who know what they’re doing to stand up and hand me a plan. Because, really, I’ve spent twelve of nineteen years not knowing what it was I was supposed to do… and it’s gotten me exactly here.

.

...thanks.

.

Posted in Bipolar, Bipolar Disease, Bipolar Disorder, Classic, Clinical Depression, crazy people with no pants, Depression, Health, Intervention, Lithium, Living With Depression, Living With Manic Depression, Manic Depression, Salted Truths | 14 Comments

No Post Day: All-Time Stats


The wrong way to signal a lane change — photo by Me

.


“Pretend We’re Dead”; L7
Let me know if the YouTube isn’t available.


.

.

WordPress is spending some time towards improving their stats features… eventually they’ll be adding a counter for people accessing our blogs via RSS Feeds, but what they’ve just done is added a “Far Back Machine”. Instead of just twelve months worth of daily numbers, or a few months worth of information regarding Referrers and Top Posts, now we can look at all of our stats going back to The Beginning.

It doesn’t simply apply to the blog hits, which are already so captivating, it’s now available for the Referrals and Search Terms and Clicks and Posts… so now I know which blogs send me the most traffic and where I send people off to… since I started Salted, for example, the American based mental health journalist site called Furious Seasons has sent me the most… I guess ‘readers’. My own “Other Blog” is second, but probably shouldn’t count, so the next four are:

Thordora; Patient Anonymous; Nurse Myra, and; Dame Wiggins.

I was kind of surprised with the numbers from Nurse Myra and Dame, just because we’ve only recently connected. As for where people go To after being Here, the first two are my “Other Blog” and my “Other, Other Blog”, but then the next five are:

Thordora; Puddle; Clare; Bryan, and there’s a tie for fifth, between; Patient Anonymous and Bipolar Mo.

I also now know “saltedlithium” and “salted lithium” are the two most used terms to find my site — which I’ve always found weird. “How to grow a beard” is third… which, again, is weird. And I know “There’s No Art In Manic Depression” remains my most read post, and “If I’m Addicted To Anything It’s To You, Jessica Biel” is still the least read.

The “All Time” feature does not actually go right back to the beginning on Every stat, but it’s close enough for me. So, my questions for anyone willing to answer on this Glorious No Post Day (for which we have Anita Marie to thank), are:

.

Which blog has sent you the most traffic since Your beginning and where have people gone to from your fine blog (just a top three)?

And where, if at all, does Salted Lithium rank on your lists?

.

...thanks.

.

Posted in Bipolar, Bipolar Disease, Bipolar Disorder, Blogging, crazy people with no pants, Health, Lithium, Living With Depression, Living With Manic Depression, Manic Depression, No Post Day, Punk | 6 Comments

Got Lithium? Research Says It Reduces Suicide, Inhibits Herpes And Boosts The Brains Grey Matter So Why Isn’t It The First Thing We’re Prescribed?

“The product, originally named “Bib-Label Lithiated Lemon-Lime Soda”, was launched two weeks before the Wall Street Crash of 1929. It contained lithium citrate, a mood-stabilizing drug. It was one of a number of patent medicine products popular in the late-19th and early-20th centuries; they made claims similar to today’s health foods. Specifically it was marketed as a hangover cure. The product’s name was soon changed to 7 Up.”
Wikipedia entry for 7UP.

“In his formulation Grigg had included lithia, a naturally-occurring substance found in minute quantities in bubbling waters fed by underground springs. (Lithia is better known as lithium, a drug used to even out mood swings.) Grigg had the notion that the chemical’s presumed healthful aspects would be a selling point with the soda-buying public, hence the “Lithiated” in the name.”
Urban Legends Reference Page: 7UP.

“Many drugs need to be in the form of a salt to be stable. Lithium, the kind that actual doctors prescribe, is usually in the form of lithium carbonate. The lithium molecule is combined with a molecule of carbonic acid, to form lithium carbonate. It would be unwise to take pure lithium as adding lithium to water results in what chemists like to call a “brisk exothermic reaction”. To put it another way, you’d end up with no tongue.”
Lithium Orotate: Just a dietary supplement, not a drug at all, oh no.

Saying “no one knows how Lithium works” is like saying no one knows how a bumblebee flies… or humans only use ten percent of our brains, or Evolution is only a theory whose ideas haven’t progressed since Darwin. Mostly those assumptions are based on misconceptions and urban legends.

The bumblebee, whose body seems too large for its wings, gets around because “its wings encounter dynamic stall in every oscillation cycle”. Darwin has as much to do with Evolution as Galileo does with NASA. Several charlatans, psychics and “mentalists” have used the ten percent myth to convince their marks of the “powerful potential” in the other 90%, but we use every single cell in our brains… and Lithium’s effect on those cells can be specifically quantified. And has been.

It may be true researchers once had very little idea how Lithium worked to control the manics and depressions of bipolar, but it’s also true that not too long ago if we wanted to watch the brain as it functioned we had to cut our skulls open and poke at chunks of grey matter and watch for the twitching. In fact, until the development of Next Generation technologies such as fMRI, MRI and PET scans, which allow researchers to watch the effects of medications directly on specific parts of the brain, all of the brain sciences have been stuck in the pre-rubber glove era of medicine.

So of course Mental Illnesses have been misdiagnosed for the past six thousand years, until this moment the only way to prove we’re sick is to have people believe we’re crazy based on our behaviour. And now using technology we can see how medications work to get those behaviours under control.

Researchers at the UCLA Laboratory of NeuroImaging used three-dimensional magnetic resonance imaging to map the brain in people diagnosed with bipolar disorder. In their 2007 report, when the “bipolar brains with Lithium” were compared to “bipolar brains without Lithium” they found “the volume of grey matter in the brains of those on lithium was as much as 15 percent higher in areas that are critical for attention and controlling emotions.”

Several studies published since 2003 show the effects Lithium has on the brain. An article published in 2006 on About.com reviewing research published the previous year stated:

“Inositol monophosphate is a chemical in the brain that works as a switch – turning the activity of certain genes on and off. In some cases the presence of inositol causes a gene to activate, and in other cases it causes a gene to shut down. Specifically, inositol seems to be the switch for genes that produce a hormone called PACAP (which, for the scientists among you, is the neuropeptide hormone pituitary adenylate cyclase activating polypeptide). A shortage of PACAP in mice brains has been linked to hyperactivity and defects in circadian (day-night) behavior, which are both also characteristic of humans with bipolar disorder.

Lithium is known to inhibit production of inositol. Therefore, these researchers “hypothesized that depletion of brain inositol levels is an important chemical alteration for lithium’s therapeutic efficacy in bipolar disorder”

In a study published in the Canadian Journal of Psychiatry in 2003, looking back over fifteen years worth of research, Lithium was found to have “a response rate of 45%, in stark contrast to a response rate to placebo of 18%” on reducing the symptoms of manic depression:

“[…] it is the most severely ill patients who are more likely to be treated early and in whom the change in frequency or severity of episodes is most dramatic. Less severely ill patients, who may wait longer before receiving treatment, appear to do as well on lithium, but the difference is not as dramatic (naturally, this is not an argument for delaying prophylactic treatment). The theoretical implications of these findings are intriguing: bipolar illness may be associated with functional and structural changes resulting from cumulative damage during episodes of the illness.”

Lithium is a mood stabilizer. The best way to understand how it works is to think of moods on a scale of zero to 100 with the range between 40 and 60 as “typical”. Manic depression pushes and pulls us on average into the 20 to 80 range. Lithium puts a cap on the ups and downs so we function in the 30 to 70 range. It doesn’t prevent manics or depressions, someone with manic depression who is only taking Lithium will still go high and low. Lithium is generally prescribed in the beginning to simply get the person under control, then the doctor will add something like Seroquel or Wellbutrin later on…

Lithium is sometimes prescribed for “clinical depressions” or “unipolar depressions”, but it’s still not common.

A German study released in 1981 , for example, said “Lithium induces rapid relief of depression in tricyclic antidepressant drug non-responders” and found “lithium augmentation is recognized as a useful, but infrequently used, treatment modality. [I]n Germany alone, lithium prevents approximately 250 suicides yearly. The actual number could be much higher, given that lithium is currently underused in the treatment of mood disorders.”

Either way it takes about two weeks of dosing to get the Lithium level in your body to optimum levels, then a few months for the beneficial effects to start showing but in the between-time the side effects can be… not nice. Going the other way it only takes missing four to six doses for the Lithium levels in your body to go away.

Finding the proper dose is critical, which means frequent and routine blood tests to find the appropriate level. There are several side effects, which range from annoying to coma-inducing. Taking Lithium is not replacing something missing in your body, it’s adding something which is potentially toxic.

Side effects include nausea, loss of appetite, and mild diarrhoea, but these generally go away after the first month. Dizziness and hand tremors are common as well… both of which suck large if you’re a photographer. Drinking water is critical, and this is where the “Lithium weight” comes in… but it’s a relatively stable weight gain. If someone taking Lithium does gain a large amount of weight there may be hypothyroidism involved, which is a rare side effect.

But if you want to avoid gaining weight don’t turn to sugar drinks as a water substitute. If you need a “taste” in your water the best thing I’ve found is a chunk of lemon squeezed and dropped into 2L of water.

If the dose you’re taking is too high for too long there is a very rare risk of permanent damage to your kidneys. The best way to avoid this is to have the blood work done often and keep your Family Doctor and psychiatrist in the loop.

Without a proper liquid diet, including lots of water, and little to no caffeine and alcohol it is possible to “go toxic”, which means a lack of coordination, muscle weakness, slurred speech, nausea, vomiting, diarrhoea, confusion, and an increase in tremors or shaking. This is dangerous and you should contact your doctor, but start drinking water.

Prolonged toxicity, or an extreme overdose, can drop you into a coma… but the amounts needed for an overdose would be, like I said, Extreme. Taking so many pills would have to be one of the dumbest fucking things anyone could ever do… like on par with eating two pounds of sand.

It’s also important not to cut out the salt we usually eat… it sounds counter-intuitive to add 1000mg of Lithium to our diet, but still maintain our regular salt intake, but the regular salt in our body prevents the Lithium from being drawn in as a replacement and another way the toxicity thing can take hold.

…anyway, I just felt like exercising a couple of muscles I haven’t used in a while and just enough people have been asking me about Lithium and what it does… so, yeah.

The three biggest myths about Lithium:

1) Lithium can, in very rare cases, cause renal / kidney failure… but, really, it’s an extremely rare, albeit permanent and tragic side effect and mostly caused by taking large amounts over a really long time. Basically your doctor would have to be pretty freaking retarded to give you a prescription for such an amount over such a period of time.

2) Lithium mouth… Lithium will not rot your teeth away. But having a really dry mouth is not good for your teeth, and could result in really crappy teeth, so when your mouth feels dry drink a lot of water.

3) Weight gain… Lithium weight is probably the most common myth. The pills require you to drink a lot of water, which will make you swollen, but drinking a lot of sugary juices, glucose and fructose filled “juice” substitutes (Sunny D) and pop instead of water will Definitely make you fat. So drink water.

Bonus Fact: Lithium has been found to “inhibit the replication of herpes simplex virus types 1 (HSV-1) and 2 (HSV-2)”…

...thanks.

.

Posted in Bipolar, Bipolar Disease, Bipolar Disorder, Canada, Classic, crazy people with no pants, Health, Lithium, Living With Depression, Living With Manic Depression, Manic Depression | 16 Comments

Happy Birthday To Me Happy Birthday To Me 13,879 And A Half Days Old But I Don’t Look A Minute Over 10,953

copyright banner salted photo header

spacer


“I Don’t Wanna Grow Up”; Tom Waits
Let me know if the YouTube isn’t available.


.

.

.

At some point today I will have been outside my mothers womb for exactly thirty-eight years.

I’ve always had a weird relationship with my birthday. The things we are used to doing when we’re older are taught to us when we’re younger… “Give me the child until he is seven and I will give you the man” and all that. I had my first real birthday party when I was eight.

I dated a woman who had her first birthday party when she was eighteen, her family had left — “escaped” in her words — the Jehovah’s Witnesses a few years previous to our connecting. She had the same basic hangups. It was interesting meeting her and first discussing our backgrounds… I grew up in a Marxist Collective, she grew up in the Witness Program and both had the same objections to Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, Birthdays and generally Being Happy.

It seems to me Everyone has some issues with their birthday, even beyond the getting older parts. From what I can remember from Elementary School birthdays become very political affairs once we start noticing someone having a post-birthday glow in homeroom — no one’s quite as popular in Homeroom as the days around their birthday party… then there’s the pre-party group “I hope she invites me” toadying and the post-party selected “she invited me and not you” gloat.

I can just barely remember the first birthday party my mom put on for me after we escaped the Collective. Four or five kids I barely knew showed up to my ninth birthday with parent-wrapped board games which, until that moment, I had never played before… I don’t think I had even touched a board game until then. Probably my favourite birthday party was my thirtieth, I wrote a post about it on my Original Blog. It was pretty messed up.

Then there was, I think it was my eighteenth birthday, when my brother got the band to play Kashmir for me… that was pretty sweet.

Something I’ve Never, Ever, been good at has been remembering the dates of Other people’s birthday. They just never register. Even my own family… I wasn’t Sure about my younger (full) brother’s birth date until I was in my late teens. I’m still not sure about the dates for my three younger (two halves and a step) sisters or my step-brother. My Jehovah Girlfriend and I dated for three years and I was always confusing her birth date with someone I had dated in high school. That was never, ever, good. Especially since her experiences had the opposite effect of making her hyper-aware of anniversaries and birth dates.

Last year I invited a bunch of people over for wine, beer, cheese and nachos and during one of the conversations Birthdays came up and I remembered it was my birthday… that day.

I’m taking my birthday off this year. It’s just me, some not-Too-bad Chinese Food and the SuperBowl. We were supposed to go to Ottawa for Real Chinese Food and a Movie last night but, while I was busy being ninety minutes late meeting my parents for the ride to The City, my grandparents showed up at mom’s place and wouldn’t leave. I think they’re starting to get fed up with their Assisted Living Home.

After dinner we sat down to watch the first period of the Maple Leafs / Senators game and my grandfather started the same conversation about hockey he has been starting sporadically over the past eighteen months. Somehow I’m responsible for Every Thing wrong about the Ottawa Senators, specifically the play of centre Jason Spezza. Good times. It’s something I posted about last year on my Other Blog… which I’m in the process of starting again.

If I can get there on time we’re going to try to get to Ottawa again next weekend.

.

...thanks.

.

Posted in Bipolar, Bipolar Disease, Bipolar Disorder, crazy people with no pants, Friends, Health, Lithium, Living With Depression, Living With Manic Depression, Manic Depression, Mary, Memories, Ottawa | 16 Comments