Spider-Man Three Sucked But The PlayStation Three It Came Wrapped In Is Totally Freaking Awesome

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There is a brand new PlayStation 3 sitting on my coffee table. It came in a large box from a BestBuy in Toronto. It is black and shiny. When I turn it on rainbows appear in my apartment. And unicorns. And I’m pretty sure angels sing. And Princess Leia in her slave-girl outfit is pouring me a really large, really cold glass of 1% milk.

But I don’t see any of them because there’s a PlayStation 3 on my coffee table… and it’s black and shiny.

This. Is. Totally. Fucking. Awesome. x1000.

I’m trying to figure out how to describe… it’s like when Neil Armstrong turned around, looked up and saw what’s his name standing in the doorway, that’s how it feels now when I look at my PlayStation 2: “uhm, sorry… and what was your purpose again?”

Actually now I have the complete set. My little grey PSOne, with its quaint pop-up top and “CD quality” games is somewhere in my bedroom. I guess the PS1 would be the guy stuck driving the Command Module while Armstrong and the other guy danced around on the moon.

My brother sent it to me. But from what I understand he didn’t pay for it… a couple of months ago he was hired by a large chain, lets call it High-End Coffee, to manage one of their stores. In the service industry it’s pretty common to play “lets barter for stuff because none of this crap really belongs to us.”

Sometimes my brother reads this blog, and I think he was worried about my state of mind after some things happened… or stopped happening a few weeks ago. I did get depressed, but it was normal. It actually felt normal… by that I mean recoverable. There were reasons for the depression, and I knew I could deal with those reasons.

And now I have a PlayStation 3, and it’s black and shiny and it’s sitting on my coffee table. And I think that’s a unicorn singing in the corner.

Spider-Man Three, which came with the box, sucked goat teat. I actually found it insulting.

Spidey was my second favourite childhood superhero, right after Wolverine. I actually own the comics the movie was based on. Some of which, actually, also kind of sucked. It was this totally messed up super hero crossover thing involving all of Marvel’s characters called “Secret Wars”.

Everyone got taken to an alternate reality and, yadda yadda, Spidey comes back with an alien for a suit. Everything’s fine for awhile, then the suit starts to… I don’t know, make Spidey react in more expressive ways.

So, a totally new comic series called “The Web Of Spider-Man” is created and in the first issue Spidey fights against the suit… I still have the first 60 copies of Web in my mom’s attic.

So… Spider-Man Three, directed with great, almost purposeful ineptness by Sam Raimi, is based on that comic book.

The entire first 45 minutes of the movie is a dismantling of all the things they did right in the first two movies. I mean, Mary Jane gets fired from a Broadway play and she doesn’t tell her boyfriend for… what, like a week? And Harry’s butler spends months living with him without letting poor Harry know how his father died? WTF?!?

The main villain, Venom, is quite possibly the coolest and most dangerous villain Spidey ever fought against. In the movie we have to wait until the last twenty minutes before Venom and Spidey go at it.. in the meantime we get the entire backstory of one of Marvels weakest creations, The Sandman.

Then… towards the end there are scenes of crowds cheering on Spider-Man as his ass is handed to him by Venom, and it occurs to me… there’s no threat to anyone outside of Spidey’s group. In the first one, The Green Goblin threatens to… well, blow up a lot of stuff then gets thwarted by Spider-Man, to whom he turns his attention.

In the second one Doctor Octopus basically wants to blow up the Universe, but is thwarted by Spider-Man, to whom he yadda yadda…

In the third one Sandman wants to steal money to pay for his kids operation… so, basically, Sam Raimi ran totally out of ideas.

My favourite Spidey comic was a one-off, it was set in Berlin and had Wolverine and Spider-Man independently searching for (I think) the Hobgoblin. In it there was a massive brawl between Wolverine and Spider-Man… at one point Spider-Man is slamming his fists into Wolverine’s head so hard that the marble grave stone behind Wolverine is turning to dust. And Spider-Man is thinking “if this were anyone else their head would be wonder Jell-o by now.”

Inevitably Wolverine beats Spidey. But that was a comic worth turning into a movie.

…screw it I’ve got a black, shiny PlayStation 3 behind me… and Princess Leia has my glass of milk.




About Gabriel...

...diagnosed with manic depression when I was nineteen, for the next 14-years I lived without treatment or a recovery plan. I've been homeless, one time I graduated college, I've won awards for reporting on Internet privacy issues, and a weekly humour column. In 2002 I finally hit bottom and found help. It's now 2022, and I have an 8-year old son, and a 12-year old son... I’m usually about six feet tall, and I'm pretty sure I screwed up my book deal. I mostly blog at saltedlithium.com....
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disease, Bipolar Disorder, Clinical Depression, crazy people with no pants, Entertainment, Health, Lithium, Living With Depression, Living With Manic Depression, Manic Depression. Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to Spider-Man Three Sucked But The PlayStation Three It Came Wrapped In Is Totally Freaking Awesome

  1. thordora says:

    This is the sound of jealousy echoing across the interwebs.

    We make do with a SNES and a P1. Sigh. We might get the Game Cube so the girls can play Teen Titans.

    I hate Spiderman. Always have.

  2. Gabriel... says:

    Well… you can buy a new PS2 for about $120, it’s the new sexy slimmed-down model, but if you’re interested I’ve got a non-abused, but definitely used, PS2 available. The DVD player won’t play the last fifteen minutes of any movie, but it plays games just fine.

    You’d have to buy a second controller and a memory card, but if you want it I’ll mail it to you. I don’t have Teen Titans (if it’s based on the cartoon it would be pretty cool), but I could send you GTA: Liberty City Stories…

  3. So, new Next Gen Console AND Blu Ray player. Nice. You gonna go submerge yourself in GTA IV for the summer?

  4. thordora says:

    oooh…gta…the girls certainly won’t be allowed to play THAT. 😛

    I’ll think about it. I already talked myself out of a Wii earlier in the year.

  5. Gabriel... says:

    Hey Justin. I didn’t know I was getting the PS3, my plan was to actually have a 360 by June, so I didn’t pre-order GTA 4. My brother sent me Call Of Duty 4, his idea was we could play online together. But he’s ranked in the top 50,000 online (out of something like 3 million players) so it’ll be awhile before my abilities will allow me to be anything other than target practise. But… if anyplace is going to have extra copies of GTA 4 hanging around it will be in small town Zellers and Canadian Tire’s, so maybe…

    Hi Thor, I’ve got a few games I could send but none of them have happy, fun adventures. Mostly they’re about blood and beatings. Let me know and I’ll find a box.

  6. thordora says:

    I’d totally love it. The only games we have are Tekken and Mutant Academy, and i suck at both. and there isn’t enough blood. I do believe I’ll take you up on the offer.

    I owe you a few books while I’m thinking of it. I never get to the post office.

  7. Gabriel... says:

    Great, I’ll start looking for a box.

  8. Personally, I prefer the Wii, but I’ve seen one of those PS3s… They ARE really shiny! 😛

  9. Gabriel... says:

    I actually considered getting a Wii, just based on cost but then I remembered I don’t like calisthenics… it would be interesting to play GTA4 on a Wii. Or Manhunt… yeah, Manhunt on a Wii would be Awesome.

    …I just checked and it’s available. One reviewer wrote “…Manhunt 2 for the Wii could be a fantastic murder simulator.” That’s like getting an 8 out of 10…

    But you still can’t play GTA4 on a Wii…

  10. Kitty says:

    Your brother rocks. That’s all I have to say.

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