Lamenting Over The Missed Birdies Of Yesterday

I was in Ottawa for a few hours on Wednesday with my grandfather. He’s going to be 87-years old soon, so when he takes me places the journey is the adventure and arriving has become slightly more optional.

My grandfather and I have spent a lot of time together since I moved back here so I’ve seen the health of his body and mind decline. There have been a few mini-strokes resulting in a decline in his language skills, and there are times when it seems like he’s losing the ability to walk. But that’s mostly age related.

The evolution of his walking over the last few years has taken him from a bracket to a question mark and now he mostly resembles a reversed seven. But he’s still willing and able to get out of his apartment and just go someplace. As long as we’re driving.

We sat in a diner and talked over coffee and Diet Pepsi about the stock market a few days ago — the stock market has been his sole income for almost twenty five years now — and everything he said made sense, but he couldn’t get the numbers right. A few years ago that kind of thing drove him nuts, and he’d fight to find the right word or number, but now he’ll say “60” instead of “10,000” and not miss a beat.

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Posted in Bipolar, Bud, Clinical Depression, crazy people with no pants, Health, Living With Depression, Living With Manic Depression, Manic Depression, YouTube | 7 Comments

Today I Have My Own Name

“In memories there is no blood. No sound. Just vague, half-blurred remembrances that may, or may not be concealing something else. The mind is a sieve. Only fragments remain of hopes, loves, fears, hates and desires. Pictures fade. The only memory is who you are today.”
“Alex: A Short Story”, Me; June 26, 1996

“When we left him I still had his name, but unofficially changed a year later to hers. So who I was in school, my identity, was constantly ill-defined. I had no identity. I couldn’t even spell my name in grade five. Pre-divorce I was “Gabe”, a few years afterwards I was “Gabriel” and in grade five I spelled it on the board as “Gabrielle”. When the teacher said it was wrong, I told him it was the French spelling.”
“Let Me Tell You About The Risks Of Convenience”, Me; April 17, 2009

“I have no name:
I am but two years old.”
What shall I name thee?
“I happy am,
Joy is my name.”
Sweet joy befall thee!

Pretty Joy!
Sweet joy but two days old,
Sweet joy I call thee:
Thou dost smile,
I sing the while,
Sweet joy befall thee!
“Infant Joy”, William Blake

“Our fathers were our models for God. If our fathers bailed, what does that tell you about God?”
‘Tyler Durden’, Fight Club; Chuck Palahniuk

“If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right. ”
Bill Cosby

When I was thirteen I applied for my Social Insurance Number (SIN). It was early summer and I would spend the rest of it working as a farm hand and needed the number to make everything legal.

The only identification I had at the time was my birth certificate. My mother tried to convince the guy behind the counter she had divorced my father and I was using her maiden name for my school and medical records. He didn’t bite, so since then the name on my SIN card has been the one I was born with, not the one I grew into after my father abandoned us.

I had my name officially changed last year to remove my father’s name. Last week I received my new SIN card in the mail. Today (Thursday) I received my new OHIP (health) card.

It’s official… I no longer carry my father’s name. Either of them.

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Posted in Bipolar Disease, Bipolar Disorder, Clinical Depression, crazy people with no pants, Father, Health, Living With Depression, Living With Manic Depression, Manic Depression | 29 Comments

Old Post Day | Fatherless Fatherhood

I’ve been spending a lot of time recently writing about the relationship between myself, my girlfriend and her three-year old son. My girlfriend and I have been dating for nine weeks, but it’s mostly the relationship between myself and her son that has me most… concerned.

When I look at him I see a future with an absentee, neglectful father. I see paternal grandparents who can’t be bothered to get involved in his life, and an overbearing passive aggressive maternal grandmother who has alienated both of her own daughters and her son.

I watch him climbing and playing and laughing and totally oblivious to what’s coming, and I can see a future where he spends years wondering why he’s not worthy of having a father… or forces himself to become satisfied with whatever father-substitute he finds.

There are a lot of dynamics in these relationships I’ve recently gotten into… so I thought this Old Post Day would be a perfect opportunity to revisit the first post I wrote specifically about my own father.

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Posted in Bipolar, Bipolar Disease, Bipolar Disorder, Clinical Depression, crazy people with no pants, Health, Living With Depression, Living With Manic Depression, Manic Depression, Old Post Day | 8 Comments

No Post Day | two twenty twos

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Once a week, when I was in grade twelve, I was in charge of the music in the cafeteria during lunch. I’d play whatever I could find in my little collection of tapes: Chris de Burgh, The Cure, Anti Pasti, Charged GBH, Deep Purple, Iron Maiden, Led Zeppelin, Sons Of Freedom, Judas Priest… and George Thorogood.

One night I was in my room making a mix-tape by the light of my flashlight and with the volume turned down so I wouldn’t disturb my brother or mother, when a lyric from Thorogood’s “Who Do You Love” popped out at me…

Just 22 and I don’t mind dying.

Something I do regularly is rewrite lyrics in my head, and in the moment I heard George yelling his line I rewrote it twice…

“Two .22’s and I don’t mind dying”, and; “222’s and I don’t mind dying”… as in the painkiller’s.

I like George’s version better, but since that night the number 222 has had this weird numerological meaning for me. For more than 22 years, thanks to my two rewrites, whenever I saw the number — the time, a license plate, the cost of a slice of pizza and a pop — I’d think about suicide.

Not whether or not I was going to do it in that moment, at least not all the time, but mostly just the concept. Sometimes I’ll go weeks without thinking about the number, then see it six times in one day and get a little freaked out…

Now when I see it — three times yesterday — I mostly just roll my eyes. But I’ll still occasionally think about suicide… about the influence those thoughts and feelings have had on my life. But mostly I’ll just say “oh, fuck off.” and keep walking.

But I do still notice the number, and I still assign a meaning to it… it’s weird how things like that will follow us around, how little connections get made and can’t be unmade.

So on this No Post Day these are my questions for anyone willing to play along… and remember, Jesus, Barack Obama and your inner child will hate you if you don’t answer.

Name two songs you would’ve played in your high school cafeteria if you were in charge of the DJ booth… bonus points if you leave a YouTube link.

Is there anything out there which reminds you you’re supposed to be thinking about suicide? (or, you know, other stuff than you had been thinking of.)

…oh, right. This is my 222nd post.

.

.

Posted in Bipolar, Bipolar Disease, Bipolar Disorder, crazy people with no pants, Health, Living With Depression, Living With Manic Depression, Manic Depression, No Post Day, Punk, YouTube | 10 Comments

Protected: Milkshakes Of The Apocalypse

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