Friday Conversations With My Psychiatrist | Finding My Father In Me And My Grandfather Plans His Funeral

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Psychiatrist Day

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Doctor: “But there’s a big difference between you and your father.”
Me: “[long pause] …okay, what’s the difference between me and my father?”
Doctor: “You’re not evil.”

Discussion between my doctor and myself; June 4, 2010

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Appointment: Friday, June 4, 2010

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Two weeks ago I jolted my son. I didn’t shake him, I spasmed while he was cradled in my arms. My whole body jumped up two inches, then fell back to the couch.

But it was a reaction to his crying. I was deeply tired. My girlfriend has been working morning shifts at the convenience store, this means either she takes Victor to work, or she leaves him with me at 5am.

Two weeks ago, while I was holding him and he didn’t want the bottle, his crying was like a nail pounding into the back of my head. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t reason past that moment. And I had a short convulsion. Like I’d been shocked with jumper cables.

I’ve never, ever felt the same way when I was awake… or in the afternoons or evenings. I can reason then, I can think past the moment. I can understand how to help Victor when he cries.

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Posted in Appointment Day, Bipolar, Bipolar Disease, Bipolar Disorder, Bud, crazy people with no pants, Granny, Health, Little Victor, Living With Depression, Living With Manic Depression, Manic Depression, Mental Health, Psychiatry | 4 Comments

Recovery Week 184 In Review

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Salted Lithium Week One Hundred and Eighty-Four

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It has been a week since I pulled my Facebook account out of its car, threw it to the road and pumped three shots into its chest while it screamed “I swear to God we’re fixing all the privacy stuff… I swear to God!”.

And, as I pulled away in my 1967 Pontiac GTO, listening to Fleetwood Mac pound out “Oh Well” over my Hi-Fi Stereo, seeing the mess I left behind me, I had to smile and ask… what was that about?

I only updated my Facebook account a couple times a week, and on multiple occasions over a day maybe three times in almost… six months? But now that I’ve stopped I can see, and feel, the huge hole missing in my daily surfing routine, which normally consists of checking my five email accounts every thirty minutes, rechecking my blog stats for my three blogs every fifteen minutes, reading and rereading three or four newspapers, checking YouTube for cartoons, finding something about hockey I haven’t read yet.

Being on Facebook was a way to lose time when I didn’t feel like writing. Now that it’s gone I have to find other things to do when I don’t feel like writing. Like, maybe, writing.

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Posted in Bipolar, Bipolar Disease, Bipolar Disorder, crazy people with no pants, Health, Little Victor, Living With Depression, Living With Manic Depression, Manic Depression, Mental Health, Salted Week In Review | 3 Comments

The Empty Room At The End Of The Recovery Rainbow

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I’ve been lost for a long time. Sometimes it feels like I’m a casualty of my own narrative, sometimes like I’m a victim of circumstance.

Lately I’ve felt like I’m being attacked by my recovery.

It’s as though behind every door my recovery opens, there’s an empty room. Every time I try to reach out to someone who used to be a part of my life, there’s just an empty space. When there’s a warm body, I’m ignored or told my untreated behaviours make the relationship impossible.

I feel as though my recovery is putting me at risk of a relapse, or maybe dragging new causes for deep depressions into my life.

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Posted in Bipolar, Bipolar Disease, Bipolar Disorder, Clinical Depression, crazy people with no pants, Facebook, Health, Living With Depression, Living With Manic Depression, Manic Depression, Mental Health | 8 Comments

Facebook Suicide

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“Clickjacking is a technique by which hackers spread malware and redirect traffic to nefarious sites… .

“This latest scam [“Likejacking”]… lures people into clicking on links and messages such as, “This man takes pictures of himself EVERYDAY for 8 YEARS!!” and “The Prom Dress That Got This Girl Suspended From School.”

“…hundreds of thousands of users have already fallen prey to the scam, which routes them to malware-laden Web sites infected by… a variant of [a] worm that made its way around Facebook last month.”
“Facebook Contends With Latest ‘Likejacking’ Scam”,
Larry Barrett, senior editor, InternetNews.com; June 2, 2010

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Adware: Software that periodically pops up advertisements on a user’s computer. It displays ads targeted to the individual user based on key words entered in search engines and the types of Web sites the user visits.

Malware: Software designed to destroy, aggravate and otherwise make life unhappy.

Spyware: Software that sends information about your Web surfing habits to its Web site. Often quickly installed in your computer in combination with a free download you selected from the Web, spyware transmits information in the background as you move around the Web. Also known as “parasite software,” “scumware,” “junkware” and “thiefware,” spyware is occasionally installed just by visiting a Web site (aka: drive-by download).

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Awesome (adj.)
1. inspiring or displaying awe
2. Slang excellent or outstanding

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Late last night I killed my little corner of Facebook. I committed Facebook Suicide.

I did it for a lot of reasons. Computer security was near the top of the list, a realization I was spending long minutes repeatedly clicking “Hide” to rid my “home page” of new and improved gaming applications was another.

Seriously, how many variations on Farmville can there possibly be? At the upper curve I had 168 “Friends”, and at least three dozen of them spent most of their day playing stupid games on Facebook, designed entirely to steal your information and your time, and their statuses would be automatically updated and I’d have to play a whole new round of “Click The Hide Button”.

My own brother’s Facebook account was updated once or twice daily by the PlayStation Network, whenever he reached a milestone on another PS3 game.

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Posted in Bipolar, Bipolar Disease, Bipolar Disorder, crazy people with no pants, Facebook, Health, Living With Depression, Living With Manic Depression, Manic Depression, Mental Health | 9 Comments

Recovery Week 183 In Review

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Salted Lithium Week One Hundred and Eighty-Three

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Eventually, and I truly believe this is possible, I will reach a point where writing these “Week In Review” posts will happen seven days apart, and even regularly on a Sunday. At the very least I do not think these goals are entirely impossible.

I also believe it is quite probable that I shall manage to write posts between “Week In Review” posts.

It finally cooled off. The week long mini-heatwave broke towards the end of the week, or just in time for me to not have to buy an air conditioner. The “Lithium headaches” continued for a couple of days regardless of temperature — they’re not constant throughout the day, more like twenty minutes of brain throbbing.

But everything’s good now. I think I’ve finally been able to move past the horrible finale for Lost, or maybe that’s just the cool air. We did find an air conditioner for my girlfriend’s apartment, it was a hand-me-down from her aunt. So Victor and his older brother have a safe place for the next heatwave.

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Posted in Bipolar, Bipolar Disease, Bipolar Disorder, crazy people with no pants, Health, Living With Depression, Living With Manic Depression, Manic Depression, Mental Health, Salted Week In Review | 3 Comments

Salted Lithium Recovery Week 182 In Review

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Salted Lithium Recovery Week One Hundred and Eighty-Two

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This is the time of year I hate. It is officially Lithium Headache Season, and I’m barely surviving in between the time it takes me to empty a jug of cold water down my throat, and the time it takes the jug of new water to get cold while sitting in my freezer.

When I was a young dude I worked through the summer picking stones and baling hay, and I never brought a water bottle into the field. If I was lucky the farmer would bring a cooler. On a few occasions I used the steel bowls the cows drank out of. But I survived entire, hot days on a glass or two of tepid, sometimes filthy water.

Now I get almost as nervous as a crack addict when I pull the jug out of the fridge and there’s only an inch of water in it.

When people taking Lithium get hot, when we’re thirsty and dehydrated, we get headaches. Throbbing, deep headaches, that make remembering difficult and recall almost impossible. It’s because the Lithium concentrates in our blood when we don’t hydrate properly.

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Posted in Bipolar, Bipolar Disease, Bipolar Disorder, crazy people with no pants, Health, Living With Depression, Living With Manic Depression, Manic Depression, Mental Health, Salted Week In Review | 4 Comments